Sunday, August 31, 2008

Bad Credit

Do you really have to pay for that bottle of soda with a credit card? You walked out of the house and into a store with no currency on your person? That's what you're saying. I'm not sure you are embracing a paperless society as much as you are just a lazy and worthless obstacle for getting out of this store with any light left in the day.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Crazylegs

You, sir, must control your spasmodic legs if you are going to sit across from me on this train. I am uninterested in knee-to-knee contact. I can only give you so many dirty looks, deep sighs, minor kicks disguised as stretches. Perhaps I should just reach over and choke the life out of you. Sure this may cause worse leg sprawling, but I for one will feel better.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Ring Tone Deaf

Perhaps you believe that your cell phone ring is yet another way to express your unique personality. The fact that you choose to do so using a practice that is nearly ubiquitous probably doesn't slow your momentum.Your ignorance about this sort of contradiction isn't really a surprise considering you also can't read your own reactions to the actual melody.You are embarrassed as you rush to kill the noise. No one will complain about this proper instinct as you rightly, if unconsciously realize, the song is horrendous and loud. A disturbance to those around you. All this ringtone is really is saying is that you not only are an inconsiderate person, but you also have amazingly bad taste. It's actually a helpful shortcut for people to figure out the real you. I suppose a thank you is in order.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Zen and the Art of Apathy

It seems like a tremendous amout of effort to maintain your hipster status. The time and energy you must expend has to make you wonder if it's all worth it. Grooming your ironic moustache alone must take hours out of your week. Scowering stores for the perfect sneakers circa 1983, the exact-shirt that tells us all you don't care, the pre-worn jeans... it must leave you exhausted. You must remain ever vigilant to stay ahead and away from today's trends from music to bars. The work you put in to seem effortless, the care you take to craft your apathy, all of these things would sap the strength of any normal soul. And all this just to be a useless doofus. It really is something to marvel at.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Possibly, You Could Clam Up

I could not possibly listen to one more minute of your blathering. None of it makes sense. Your mouth moves, but what comes out is amazingly inane. Do keep it closed. Make us all a little bit smarter for not having heard something more from you.


Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Eruption

Is there anyway we can cover up that cold sore? Then let's shall we? Either that or please stay indoors shunned as nature intended. Let the harsh light of day never touch this blemish.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Expansion

Friendly colleague, it apparently is eluding your notice, but your late twenties have not been kind to your metabolism. It appears you will need a big boy set of clothes if you are going to remain oblivious to the role of proper nutrition and caloric intake. Your waistbands creak and stretch, and the material of your shirts are pushed to maximum tensile capacity. Believe me when I tell you that you are the only one around you who hasn't noticed.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Your Doing Us No Favors

Coming out to this gathering just to quietly sit and sip one drink then leaving without telling anyone is odd and unwanted behaviour. You used to provide a spark of fun, but now in the name of maturity, you have ceased to be of any interest. Perhaps it would be best if you just stayed home and spared us this minor irritation.


Saturday, August 23, 2008

How Do You Stand It?

It's the curse of public transport to constantly overhear conversations. Most are at worst an irritation of noise and ignorance. Ladies, your coffee clutch to discuss the latest book or politics is enough to make those within earshot dumber for having to hear such a level of nonsense. Poorly remembered facts, opinions based on nothing, and inside jokes that intimate how often these conversations go on. The frequency might be the worst of it. After forced listening for all of a mere ten minutes, I want to run to the closest monastery and cloister myself with those who revel in silence. Yet, your circle of cackling hens chooses willingly to engage in this cabal often. It's disheartening to say the least.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Greatly Moved

My friend, admitting to me that you cry at the movies does nothing to enhance our friendship. I will try and forget this conversation. I can do that for you this one time. I can try.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Earmuffs

Ah, what a robust and profane vocabulary you have, ma'am. To hear it screamed at such piercing decibels let's us all know that you are loathe to sit in traffic. It is also easy to recognize the shapes of car seats and small children accompanying you in your travels. Are they unfazed by this maternal outpouring of filth-ridden vitriol? Are we to wonder what is wrong with today's youth?

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Nail Rider

While I agree that personal grooming habits are important, there are societal rules that dictate the appropriate locations for such activity. You, sir, flout these conventions by clipping your nails on the train. This horrendous display flies in the face consideration. The concentration, the noise, the detritus projectile... It's all too much. You should be flung from this train in transit like so many cast off clippings.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

The Breaks

My coworker acquaintance, your recent divorce has left you maudlin. Upon broaching the subject, you become emotional. Such an exhibition is wholly inappropriate for the work environment and completely unacceptable for any kind of time-filling small talk. Perhaps we all should just dance around the subject. Although it requires a certain mental strain to remember such parameters of conversation, I'm willing to make the extra effort in order to spare myself continued awkward moments. Perhaps we should all band together as the brotherhood of man in this movement.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Dragon Lady

Kind and downtrodden immigrant friend, I am sorry to see that your wife feels no compunction about upbraiding you in public. To make matters worse, her ancient dialect bellowed at this volume sounds much like a sack full of cats slowly drowning in a pond. I do feel for you, although not as bad as I feel for me. I have to hear this cacophony of gibberish and be embarrassed seeing this pilfering of your masculinity.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Pretty Woman

Madam, I must applaud you for your choice in attire. You wear the mu mu well. Looking at you, I would have thought the only proper attire would be a tarpaulin. But this has some panache. Bravo.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Ah Hem

Miss, you are quite lovely but your persistent throat clearing is distracting and detracting from the overall experience of observing you. Does it imply cats at home or some more serious affliction? Phlegm should never be part of a young lady's presentation to the world. This is an unwise choice.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Make Yourself Less Comfortable

There is obviously something wrong with you that you can stand in my office in conversation with me and feel the need to adjust your genitals. This is not a gym locker room. You are supposedly representing the last rung on the primate ladder. Please act like it.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Never Love at All (please)

Your office affair is transparent to all those around you. It is not a pretty picture. The patina of secrecy that you cling to is an insult to anyone with any level of observation above that of the common mole. I can not imagine the attraction for either party as your are both, to put it kindly, homely. Also, you are dimwitted bores. Hopefully, you have the societal forethought to include sufficient and iron-clad birth control in whatever horrendous endeavors you two partake in. I have to go outside and shudder for a while. Please continue to giggle and stare longingly at each other.


Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Lofty Highs

Great men made this city the architectural marvel that it is. Unfortunately, those who travel the streets today have more to fear than crime and street traffic due to you, surly construction worker. The skies are not safe from falling debris. And it is no wonder as you huddle on the sidewalk blatantly smoking marijuana. Such practice is fine for say watching cartoons and late night snacks - where you only put at risk your digestive track and life's ambitions. A union protects your right to a nice wage in an environment where you can be outside and ogle the lovely women who grace this city. But you have to take it further. You can't wait for inebriation regardless of the risks you pose yourself or worse others (or even worse, me). You are responsible for heavy machinery and other dangerous objects at a height that gravity has rendered deadly. Maybe the only qualification for attaining your job is at least one prehensile thumb and a connected uncle, but you must be able to see the issue here through your squinted, bloodshot eyes. We're not all wearing helmets.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Back Seat Watcher

Your running commentary during this film is uncalled for. Listening to your telling of salient plot points alternately mixed with pleas for clarification proves two unflattering truths. That you undoubtedly have no consideration for others and apparently, you are mentally deficient. There is no reason to go into the ways in which talking during a film is the very apotheosis of rudeness. The only way you could not know how rude it is, is from just being oblivious. But that alone does not show you to be an incredible ignoramus. No, it is the content of what you're saying. You can't track the characters or simple plot turns. Your poor friend is mute probably because he knows any answers he may provide wouldn't help. They would lead only to more questions. It is like explaining to a toddler why the dog died. You've made an art form out of ignorance. Maybe I should marvel. This is an offense that should result in meting out of very public and immediate corporal punishment.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Working Blue Tooth

I would have to venture a guess that you believe it isn't annoying enough to walk around bellowing into your earpiece cellphone. I make this deduction as you are spewing profanity the likes of which would make a longshoreman feel faint. You are so inconsiderate that you not only want to confuse and irritate us all carrying out a loud conversation with no one, but you also want to make mothers cover children's ears and old ladies clutch their chests. I am not a wilting flower who pales at this manner of speaking, but it compounds the initial rudeness in a way that can only be rectified by you meeting swift bus-through-the-crosswalk justice.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Coffee Is a Choice

Can we have a chat about your coffee order, sir? Most people deliberate less over naming their child. And when the order is finally unspooled, it is so byzantine and garish that not only does it test the mental capacity of the fine clerk, but it puts in question your masculinity. Will you need fruit or an umbrella in that beverage?

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Spectacle

Well, sir, you've gone and done it. In the continuing labor-intensive effort to seem at one with today's youth culture, you purchased new and interesting sunglasses. They take up half your face and include odd looking gold lettering on the sides. If I am not mistaken, you are wearing ladies glasses. You are nothing if not young and tragically hip.

Friday, August 8, 2008

People for the Ethical Treatment of Carnivores

You certainly do go on about your vegetarianism. Your self-congratulations as a hero of animal rights knows no end. You can quote statistics and describe the barbaric practices of your local abattoir as if you had worked there. How you've managed to morph a change in eating habits into self righteousness on such a grand level is almost admirable. I am completely disgusted that you feel the need to make this such a personal issue, but I could forgive that if you kept it personal instead of going on a meatless jihad from the alfalfa sprout pulpit. And you would probably be more credible had you not been carrying around that expensive leather hand bag and standing in leather shoes. Just for your own edification, the animals do not give up their hides willingly, nor do they shed them yearly. The process is neither kind nor humane.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Baked Fresh Daily

It was thoughtful and caring of you to take personal time to bake treats for your coworkers. And just as I can recognize the kindness, I can also recoil from the idea of actually partaking in said morsel. I would assume that you are observant enough to have a grudge against us all. You have had no upward mobility in years. That makes you a gift horse whose mouth requires inspection. Plus you are sloppy and have cats. Please bring in the latest health department clearance of your house and kitchen and I may deign to try something. And only after I note the survival of these other vermin scurrying to consume as much as possible. They get what they deserve.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Your Friend's Nose

Please let me assure you that we can all see the vast nasal excavation process you are undertaking. You are not in the privacy of your living room. You are out in the open flouting society's simplest conventions. You are lost in a process could could be mistakenly considered a fugue of concentration. If only I could believe you were contemplating something worthwhile. Instead, I feel you are just hotly anticipating what new mucus ore you will mine. Evolution is breathtaking.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Daze of Yore

You are too old and your enthusiasm rings too forced for your drug habit. On the scale of pathetic, you are almost at the black socks, sandals, horse hair toupee level. It matters very little what "the scene" was in the long by-gone era of your youth. You are aged and decrepit. Act accordingly.


Monday, August 4, 2008

Communication Breakdown

You stay glued to your cell phone no matter where or how you travel. On the street, you have no compunction about texting as you enter the crosswalk. As this affects your ability to survive, I am not so concerned. But as it affects my ability to traverse this fine land by foot or otherwise disturbs me deeply. It seems you are under the impression that it would be a crime for you to have an unexpressed thought. Going by the lack of judgment you show and the inanity of the words you speak, it is clear you must be disabused of this notion. Your acquaintances will be far better off if you maintain a level of radio silence.


Sunday, August 3, 2008

Damage Ink

For a fetching young lady, your decision to obscure nearly the whole of your neck in tattoo leaves me at a loss. It isn't necessarily the adornment that is at issue, it is how very ugly and garish it looks. Splashy colors and ill-defined lines. It looks as if someone dropped their paint pallet on you. It's fine and completely embraced when you use your questionable taste to pick out attire. No one is complaining about the impossible halters or minuscule shorts. But this item can't be tossed into the corner of an indie rocker's dorm room. It is stuck on you forever. A brand of embarrassment.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Walking Blues

I am a determined freight train of the footpaths. You seem just as dedicated to your destination. Unfortunately, our paths are going to cross in opposite directions. As you step aside, rightly recognizing something beyond you, you should hang your head as the vanquished. But take heart, you never really had a chance.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Birds Do It

It's become apparent that you are pregnant. Excuse me if I don't rush to fawn all over you and discuss ultrasounds and the latest baby name trends. Far be it for me to steal your thunder pointing out that what you have done has been repeated before you billions of times with little fanfare. Certainly not the current festival that parades around you. I am not sure you are worthy for sainthood or if the Nobel Committee will be calling. Please accept my heartfelt congratulations as you have joined the mammalian species. You are an expert in breeding and husbandry. As this is the most we can expect you to bring the world, we can hope your spawn will aspire to something better.