Saturday, May 31, 2008

Cheers

As you are obviously unable to hold your liquor, I do wonder why you insist on binge drinking in the mixed company of coworkers. You are merely creating fodder for water cooler scuttlebutt. It isn't that I held you in high regard before, but at this point you are merely a joke. Slur another off-color joke and spill your drink on the boss. It isn't like you have more self respect to lose.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Travel Companion

Your crazed stare makes us all a bit unsettled. No one is looking at you and no one is talking to you, no matter what you think. Please hold it together until at least the next stop.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

No Thank You

I know that what I have done has enriched your life immensely. Your overwrought show of gratitude is unnecessary. It causes me nothing but embarrassed discomfort and lingering regret about my helpful actions. I won't consider if your little display is disingenuous mostly because I don't care. You are a simpering dimwit and your need for aid was no shock. No please muzzle yourself appropriately.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Unexpected Treasure

I wish I could say I was sorry to laugh so hard as you tripped and fell on the sidewalk. Would it were that it was possible for me to express these apologies, I might. And I should be understandably forgiven. The sight was as comical as I could imagine. Along with my apologies, I would express gratitude. You have brightened my day, clumsy stranger.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Ancient Winds

Please know that your flatulence did not go unnoticed. Do not believe for an instant that due to societal conventions allowing for the tolerance of bodily noises from the elderly that your unwanted emissions are rendered silent. We hear them. We note them. We feel pity and annoyance. You really shouldn't be blamed.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Please Hold

No, it is quite all right to keep me on the phone with what appears to be no purpose at all. Misjudging my level of interest in anything you may have to relate is only costing me my precious time. Why would that concern you at all? It comes as no surprise to find you have no observational skills to go along with an utter lack of consideration. So please, don't let me interrupt your mindless prattle. Keep expressing every inane thought that you somehow muster. It isn't as if I can like you less.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Do Something

An offer of a breath mint should not be understood as a kind gesture to help you through the day with minor sustenance. Understand that the putrid nature of your breath is the only reason to bring out such a gift. No one will tell you this, but it should just be assumed. Please take note.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

My Kingdom for a Tarp

Yes, I realize it is finally somewhat warm. You waited impatiently for the foul winter to release us all from it's choke hold. Why? Apparently, so you could walk the streets shirtless. I must insist that you immediately become clad. Perhaps, in a bygone era, you were the Adonis of your imagination. Decades and dozens of pounds have not done you justice. Copious abdominal hair matted with perspiration does not enhance the aesthetic. Cursedly, the womenfolk of our fine nation adhere to a guideline to always cover up with some modicum of clothing. Can we not all agree to this unspoken covenant? How can I implore you to remove that t-shirt from your straining waistband and pull it over this mass of jiggling pallid torso? Gunpoint is the only thing that comes to mind.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Solutions to Important Issues

Young lady, why wear a tube top if it never will stay up. You are taking away from this experience by constantly tugging at is. While I am quite certain, you spend precious little time considering the laws of gravityand physics, the emprical evidence presented to you is overwheming. I amsure your wardrobe is packed with equally revealing halters. We like those too.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Do Expire

While it is true that I begrudgingly share space with you in a variety of places, it should not for a minute make you assume that I share the same opinions. Are you upset with the service in the restaurant or post office? Do you want to roll your eyes and sigh? Are you looking for support of your fellow man? Are you going to force me to shrug and mutter "what are you going to do"? Well, I won't. I don't care about your plight. I care nothing for you. I am more concerned with my expectation of privacy than to your expectation of what this planet and its inhabitants owe you.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Miasma

It isn't that the cologne you choose is especially noxious -although it is that and more. It is that you choose to saturate yourself with it to a point that makes it waft over every living creature you come across choking out all other senses in an eye-watering attempt to get attention. Well, you have my attention with all the well-earned scorn that comes with it. Using an elevator after you is an unholy attack on the olfactory senses. Riding with you is an excrutiating nasal scouring that I only wish on my worst enemies.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Interpretation of Chat

When did occur to you that it is completely acceptable to talk about your dreams in public to anyone polite enough to inquire about you? There is nothing of interest in these tales filled with people from your childhood, whom we know nothing of as they speak in riddles that we could not decipher even if we could muster the energy to care. I suppose this should not be a shocking phenomenon considering you appear to feel the need to express every waking thought, so why not sleeping as well? And yes, I do think that particular dream means your gay. At least that's somewhat interesting.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Yes, I have heard that one

My issue with your off color jokes in the office does indeed have to do with the offensive nature as well as the inappropriate setting. Offensive due to the canned set-up and poor delivery. To describe this as humour is a mockery to all humour that has come before it. And not good mockery. And know that it is inappropriate to attempt these malformed witticisms in my presence. Most grade-school harlequins would be jeered out of any cafeteria with these joke facsimiles. Please return to your office to quietly age.


Sunday, May 18, 2008

Walking Blues

You have no skill for foot travel, and that is telling. You have yet to evolve dexterity beyond what you showed as a toddler. You step blindly into the paths of oncoming travelers. You stop short for seemingly no reason. You shouldn't have to be told, but people have destinations and impediments like you just beset the way with irritation.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Melting Pot

With apologies to your ancient culture, the sound of your native tongue is inelegant to western ears. And when shrieked by old women at a decibel just below jackhammer level, the effect is quite startling.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Must we?

You can't or at least shouldn't believe that a close proximity implies a desire or willingness on my part to strike up a conversation. What most find uncomfortable in silence, I relish. Stifle your instincts. I implore you.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Vernacular

Your overuse of the term "Wild" to denote anything that is interesting in the slightest is a vain and sad attempt at aping today's youth. It sounds bizarre and makes everyone uneasy. This makes you seem more like a marginalized fogey hipster than perhaps you even are. I would mention something, but I fear that your exclamation is already known. Yes, wild indeed. You are a jackass.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Bringing Up Baby

You probably don't believe it is my place to explain what is appropriate for your 2-year old child. And by all rights I would agree, but when you show up at a late night movie with this little scamp, I have to wonder. If I know this is wrong, what exactly is your issue? Nudity, strong sexual situations, gory dog attacks, basically everything that makes a fine film does very little to help the psyche of a preschooler. Unless your intention is to create a lifelong bedwetter/possible serial killer. Social services should be at every late-night movie. Your child should be stripped from you as should your fertility.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Peter Pan

The life-of-the-party act that you cling to as you careen into your forties is getting tiresome. You shout your insecurities out to the heavens as you call for the next round on you, oh generous soul. The years of alcohol abuse have left you wetbrained and forgetful. Leaning, spitting, elbowing in the ribs to convey a joke has been told, that is what you have come to. A shamed downcast glance has replaced what was once congenial amusement in the eyes of your friends. Do you even notice? Or does lipsynching take too much concentration? And you could stand to lose a few pounds. The years are have been unkind.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Glimpse of Love

It may very well be the highlight of your day to commute with your spouse. The empirical evidence is lacking on this train ride. Your bickering and sniping about household drama and mundane forgotten errands leave us sickened with an insidious mix of embarrassment and boredom that may not be something one can just recover from. You appear mismatched and you make a striking advertisement for staying single.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Sharing

The mere fact that I have to tell you how inappropriate it is to open a can of tuna for lunch in the office, shows that you are too inconsiderate for social interaction of any kid. Do you believe that everyone loves that cloying scent reminiscent of the wharf wafting off a prostitute? Maybe in their spare time, but more than likely not at work. And while we are on the subject you are really going to have to leave your hard boiled eggs at home.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Champion of Justice

You are power-mad with you role as a metermaid, sir. You may despair over the antipathy shown your way on a daily basis, but please know that it is richly deserved.

Friday, May 9, 2008

Civic Duty

While I dislike the tinny sound of bass that pumps out of his headphones, you, madam do not speak for me when you chide this human mountain. If the only abuse I suffer in his presence is, a bit of noise pollution, I feel perfectly well. I am not 80. Loud music does not leave me of my senses. I do not relish the idea of a a melee incited by you being a busybody wet blanket. I'll need you to try and keep it down.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Liquidity

It is unclear to me what is so very complicated about the automated teller machine. You stare. You pout. You let out a long lingering sigh. You roll your eyes and look around for commiseration (I supply only cold disinterest). Is it a language barrier? Are you using your triple A card? Are you mentally deficient? Or is it, as I fear, you just have nothing better to do with your time than to take up other people's valuable time. The machine whines in disgust against you with high-pitched sounds and flickers screens imploring you to use a human teller who may be able to decipher your request. You are a walking anachronism.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Modernity

Sharing your blog with me is the first and most effective step to ending our friendship. Confirming my suspicion that you have terrible taste in most everything you purchase or consume was one thing. But providing shocking evidence that you are emotionally unstable, overly sentimental, and at times maudlin makes my skin crawl as I flee from the computer in shamed embarrassment. This changes everything.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Riveting Conversation

Young lady, your exotic display of bosom while not unwelcome is wholly distracting. And if we are to continue this conversation, you cannot expect much in the way of eye contact. I have a genetic imperative that I am no more master of than a common red-buttocked monkey. It is good that we are able to come to this understanding. You were saying?

Monday, May 5, 2008

Bad Habit

Your winking is discomforting. I am not sure what I am implicitly "in on", but I do not believe you are reading me right. You and I do not share an agenda unless you are feeling immediate wanderlust or suicidal tendencies.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Best Friends

It would probably work out better for all of us if you had that intimate conversation elsewhere, ma'am. The content is embarrassing enough, but the fact that you are talking to your lhasa apso makes it into that slick and queasy middle ground between achingly pathetic and insane. My sensibilities are assaulted by the waft of what is surely loneliness beyond anything anyone should be exposed to and/or something that is hopefully only bordering on bestiality. One never really needs a reminder that getting old is horrifying. It kind of ruins the day.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Wisdom

The quote in your email signature has the direct opposite effect that you were hoping for. You are an irrelevant loser.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Feigned Indifference

It is important to me that you do not believe the lack of any outward sign that I noticed you inadvertently spitting on me during this conversation means that I didn't notice. It was duly and disdainfully noted. Filed away to be recalled if necessary. Let's not make this a habit, shall we?

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Happy Hour

You reek of cheap whiskey at 8 in the morning. It somewhat offsets the suit and tie look you sport. If I was able to deduce your status as souse knowing you for all of about 20 minutes, don't you imagine your boss, the wife, and anyone with whom you have any interaction with knows? Not to pile on or anything. Considering you are obviously in the midst of a steep downward slide, you probably don't need to hear it from me. But just so you know, a thin stick of spearmint chewing gum provides no cover.