Sunday, November 30, 2008

Big Splash

I'm sure there are so many good reasons for you to hit MACH 1 out here in this rainy weather. Hopefully, those reasons are nothing short of a snake bite. But perhaps you could have avoided the enormous puddle next to the sidewalk. Because now my ill wishes are upon you like so much muddy water on my pants.


Saturday, November 29, 2008

Clown Crier

You are the voice of the great dissatisfied masses. You put it upon yourself to make a scene in a crowd when things seem unfair. But any help you may provide or injustice you uncover is completely counterbalanced by the embarrassing nature of your complaint. People would rather you pipe down and take care of your own business. Stifle your instincts and remain calm. You do not help the situation.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Leper Among Us

Some may laud you for your tireless work ethic as you drag yourself into work riddled with illness. I for one, fellow commuter, will not be counted among them. Your sniffling and coughing all over the train puts every one of us at risk for whatever pox you carry. Since I don't work with you, I don't reap whatever dubious benefits there might be to having you show up at work dragging yourself through your day in an anti-histamine fog. Your co-passengers are all innocent in this regard and your wanton display of dripping infectious disease is nothing more than misanthropy embodied.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Digestive Catastrophe


Digestive Catastrophe

While I appreciate the effort put forth in preparing what seemed like a fine repast, I cannot explain the havoc it caused my system. The sheer horror is too much for civilized conversation. But the fact remains that you have left me bedraggled and worn. And I could not forgive you even if I had the capacity to do so.


Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Advertising

Ah yes, I see you celebrate your ethnicity through witty t-shirt slogans. That is so you.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Suffering Fools

I do not hold much stock in the virtue of patience. And have even less interest in that passing fancy when it concerns having to wait around for inefficient slobs such as yourself. If I felt that what I was waiting for was high quality I may have a different take on the matter. But I understand that you have made quite a reputation for yourself with your insidious combination of inefficient and incompetent. So don't mind me when I drag your name through the mud and extend you all the courtesy I would gum affixed to the bottom of my shoe.


Monday, November 24, 2008

Befuddled

It is easy to deduce in the short span of this conversation that you've forgotten my name. You have fail to conceal this fact so please stop using pronouns to cover up your ill-advised subterfuge. You must be very embarrassed to try such a ham handed illusion, but there is no need to be. I am more than fine with this situation. The fact that I know your name has more to do with intelligence than who is more memorable.


Sunday, November 23, 2008

Danger in Closed Spaces

I have no interest in speculating exactly what has caused the horrible stench in your office. Be it some festering goulosh in your trash or last night's revelry eating away your insides. I am willing to leave it lie with no comment, as long as you can accept me backing away slowly and taking my silent leave of your putrid company.


Saturday, November 22, 2008

Making Matters Worse

Explaining how to perform simple tasks is weighing heavily upon me. You require constant supervision and quality control. Only a team of eagle-eyed, detail-oriented staff can keep you from causing utter catastrophe. Your ineptitude is a vast and leaden burden that no one should be forced to shoulder.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Moment of Clarity

I felt so relieved at the realization that I don't care about the interpersonal relations at the office. Weighing myself down with the comings and goings of the rumor mill was tiring. True it had perks that come with learning embarrassing details of people's lives, but it takes such effort. Effort that is wasted on people I don't care about. I feel lighter.


Thursday, November 20, 2008

Revelations

Ah, pathetic coworker, it appears someone has let on how much disdain I have for you. How I sandbag you at every turn. I would hope that you could act like a professional about this. Perhaps use my assessment as motivation. I suppose that gives you too much credit. I won't make that mistake again.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

What Was Shall Never Be

Your past dependability makes the fact that you are currently worthless that much worse. We see the shell. We remember what we could be dealing with. But we are alarmed and taken back by what is actually being presented. Not only are you written off, but resented for your precipitous fall. It is a shame, but also shameful.


Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Sound Science

Your imposing and complicated headphones are a warning to all that you take music seriously. You may be sporting a business casual look but inside you are the hipster indie rocker who makes us all shudder in shame to remain ignorant of the artists you support. But to me, you look goofy adorning your head with something reminiscent of a 70's hifi. Something between prop comedian fare and orthodontic headgear. Your air of superiority is ironic as your hipster sensibility.


Monday, November 17, 2008

Unwelcome

It appears I am in need of a repellent for drunken louts looking for some sort of camaraderie or approval for their abhorrent behavior. I do not want to chat about the local sports club or throw in with you to decry the treatment you receive from those around you. I am one of those people, and you richly deserve such judgment. I wish your life wasn't such a swirling morass of dejection so I might not find you in this state. I'd like to not find you at all. Please fade into the background as is mandated by the social contract we should all uphold.


Sunday, November 16, 2008

It Takes Fortitude

If I have to suffer your presence, you could at least keep the historionics to a minimum. It isn't all about you. I assure you.


Saturday, November 15, 2008

Worthless

You like to fashion yourself someone with such largesse that those around you owe you for their very existence. But I find that there is little substance behind this bluster. You seldom come through with anything more than hollow promises. You may have those around you fooled, but I see you very clearly and I am far from impressed.


Friday, November 14, 2008

Pip Pip

Unless you are saddled with British heritage, it is not remotely acceptable to end correspondence with "Cheers". This is even more repugnant as a conversation capper. You come across as the seemingly contradictory character who can at one time be pretentious and stupid. It isn't the best way to end a phone call.


Thursday, November 13, 2008

Festivities

The card has come around and donations are being solicited. Your nuptials are coming up and all your co workers are embracing your big day. I hate to be blunt, but I really don't care if you get married or even that you have a life outside of the office. I mean no insult and I'm not usually considered cheap, but I would hate you to think I considered you anything more than just someone I know right now.


Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Stick Up Kid

Surely the surgical mask you wear on the streets is protecting you from all sorts of airborne pathogens. This must be true because why else would you be willing to look so completely ridiculous unless it was helping you? I hope you feel quite superior with your thin layer of paper providing a live-giving barrier as all of us other Luddites throw caution to the wind and breath air directly from the source. Old fashioned respiration. I assume you must be agape at our recklessness. It is impossible to tell.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Less is Less

I wish I could be happy for you that you have a workout regiment. You are overly pleased with yourself spouting off platitudes and self-help mantras coating those around you with the fetid slime of self righteousness. And your new sartorial choices are worse. You currently only buy the tightest clothes and constantly flex and feel yourself. It is actually disgusting to watch and hard to turn from. You are the human equivalent of train collision carnage. Perhaps you should go back to eating.


Monday, November 10, 2008

Managing Expectations

It is somewhat baffling that you have somehow crawled up the corporate ladder on your belly to reach some kind of station of power. You have no eye for talent. It is more than likely that this inability is intrinsically related to your own lack of expertise in your profession. How could you be expected to recognize something with which you are wholly unfamiliar? I suppose we should all be impressed at your fortuitous rise based on something I cannot place. It isn't as if you have some semblance of personality that could carry the day.


Sunday, November 9, 2008

Right to Lowlife

Although I don't see getting pregnant as the great accomplishment of the modern era, you do look like a complete ass for not giving up your seat to the swooning soon-to-be mother. The eyes of the packed car are on you filled with shared enmity. No one will hope you mind the gap.


Saturday, November 8, 2008

Under the Influence

There are times after a casual and normal night involving perhaps a dram or two more of alcohol consumption than might be prudent for an evening before a work day, that I may have slightly less tolerance for my fellow man. But don't let that obscure the fact that I would be annoyed listening to your prattle at any time. It is just today that I can't listen to it for one more moment. Fly from me with haste. Stay out of my sight and most importantly my earshot.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Religious Friend

I suppose I can only blame myself for not vetting you properly when I acquiesced by allowing you into my group of friends. I did so not realizing you are born again into some sort of high-minded and self-righteous religious sect. I believe I missed any outward signs of such a stigma possibly through your subterfuge. Hard to say. Rest assured, now that I am fully aware of your stance, the situation will be rectified post-haste.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Every Time a Door Closes

No need to recognize that, in a show of gallantry, I have delayed my own travels to hold open a door for you. I assume your less than gracious nature is indicative of something deeper, more sinister about you. Perhaps it would have served you better to meet directly with a slammed door.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Great Communicator

When asked how you are doing, you must know that it is not an inquiry as much as a perfunctory greeting. Your role in the conversation is to provide an equally throw away response. Either explaining that you are fine or ignoring the non-question all together moving on to a different greeting or perhaps repeating the phrase. Any other response is completely unacceptable and reflects badly on you as an egomaniacal narcissist who truly believes their life is worth knowing about in any detail. This is quite alarming as there is so much evidence to the contrary.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Exotica

This is not the first time I have heard of your predilection for exotic pets. Apparently your house runs amok with wildly plumed birds and unblinking lizards. Surely one can easily imagine a cavalcade of screeching squawks and ungodly smells. No matter what other personality traits you exhibit, knowing what you willingly go home to makes you odd and off putting.

Monday, November 3, 2008

They Call Me the Hunter

There is a level of awe one goes through when peering upon your massive form anchored poolside. A great glistening blob of Caucasia. The gleam pierces the eye, but not enough to distract one from the grotesque nature of it all. And to see the poor soul you have at your spilling over sides applying sunscreen without the help of a paint roller, really just adds unneeded pathos to the situation. Thankfully, I am too far away to hear sounds from which surely I would never recover. Like a manatee being forced through a carwash.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Reaching Out

I guess it is touching that you care so much about me that you deem it necessary to harangue me about staying in contact. You respect and cherish my every opinion and thought. My well-being is so important to you that you seem to have some sort of symbiotic connection to me. I can only tell you that the feeling is completely one-sided and I only consider you upon several reminders and even then so far into the category of afterthought that even this modicum of consideration is at best a mild insult.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

These Tough Times

It matters little what your assessment of me may be. You may take my laconic nature in your presence as some sort of sign that I am slow to digest your ideas and intricate plans for improvement. My silence is of the stunned variety, borne out of shock and dismay. How is it that someone so myopic and mentally deficient could be in any sort of position of power? Keep spewing verbiage, I'll be withdrawn in my thoughts of a better place without you.