The Daily Detraction

A Mouthful

2009-01-05T08:08:00.000-08:00

Removing your false tooth as a conversation piece in mixed company is as uncoothed as conceivably possible. High class company, you are not.

Captive Audience

2009-01-04T08:04:00.000-08:00

Your attempt at levity during this elevator trip is met with steely glances and ill will. As it should be.

Epic Amounts of Information

2009-01-03T08:25:00.000-08:00

I do think it is presumptuous to leave your feminine hygiene products at his apartment this early in your relationship. I should also add that it is presumptuous to think that the the complete strangers on this train, myself included, enjoy this type of overheard conversation.

Cognitive Dissonance

2009-01-02T08:29:00.000-08:00

You are exceedingly difficult to talk to. It isn't just that you are a bore, but you also have habits that are unseemly to the point that it is nearly impossible to to have a prolonged discussion with you. You are constantly picking at your ears, your nose, and maybe the most disgusting and off putting, your eyes. I go reeling from your presence after watching you absent-mindedly extract some unknown substance from your eye, inspect it coolly, and cast it aside. Perhaps you developed this habit as some way to overcome an agoraphobic bent. If you were to act as you may when alone (wallowing in filth), you do not have to worry about the prying eyes and hurtful judgements of those you encounter. Let me provide you with the assurance that we can see you. You are not invisible. And I for one am worse for that fact.

Take Pity

2009-01-01T08:54:00.000-08:00

Your mouth is in perpetual motion. I can recognize this fact. But if you are under the impression that I am taking in anything you are going on about, then you do not recognize my current state. Your voice is stabbing my mind. It is all I can do to stop from clawing out my aural canals. You must stop tormenting me, I have no doubt that whatever it is you are so verbose about is of no consequence.

Glad Tidings

2008-12-31T08:50:00.000-08:00

Ah, the great congregation of the unwashed and illiterate. Celebrate dawning of new hope. Just do it far from me. Please use contraception.

Waiting

2008-12-30T08:45:00.000-08:00

Kind waiter, I know you believe you know better, but I will select what I want to eat. Please go bully some tourists into having the cheese plate.

Trapped by Tourism

2008-12-29T08:36:00.000-08:00

Why are you here clogging the streets of our fair city? The grand spectacle of the ball dropping is still days away. And yet, you mill about seemingly aimlessly. You hoot and holler making the dead of winter even more intolerable. Stupidity knows no bonds and cares nothing for dipping temperatures. One can only hope that the swarms of con artists swoop down and drink deep of the nectar you provide. Either that or natural disaster.

Misery and Company

2008-12-28T08:41:00.000-08:00

Must you destroy every moment regardless of how mundane it is? There is no topic that you cannot spin into a tale of your own despair. I would test this theory, but I don't think that I can muster the strength. You have sapped me of all energy. How many major and minor tragedies have you suffered? How have you cataloged them all so well? You have such immediate recall of all your many and varied indignities. I would offer you a beverage, but I am sure you will spin a yarn of your childhood near-drowning. I would offer you something to eat, but I fear a close relative may have choked to an early death. You are all leaking roofs and deflated tires. You are missed opportunities and gloom on the horizon. I cannot even feel the thrill of superiority to your situation because you take all the air out of the room.

Driving Force

2008-12-27T08:51:00.000-08:00

No, no, please don't let the fact that traffic is stopped dissuade you from attempting to move between lanes over and over again. It's not irritating at all. It isn't making matters worse. If for some reason, you can get through this situation forty to fifty seconds before the rest of us, it will all have been worth it.

Kanoodling

2008-12-26T08:01:00.000-08:00

If you are going to insist on continuing to intertwine your tongues and caress each other so frantically, I will be forced to protest this display of prehistoric mating ritual in the only way I know how. When the projectile vomit hits you, you will know how disgusted I am and perhaps a level of queasiness will befall you in much the same way it has me. I, for one, will feel much better.

Askew View

2008-12-25T08:51:00.000-08:00

It might be because I don't care to remember or know to the difference, but I have no idea if you have a false eye or just some sort of physical issue that forces one to react and track much different from the other. Either way, when talking to you, I have no idea which eye is the one to follow. Which one should one must devote attention to. I have to say that it is a bit of embarrassment that I don't need. If at all possible, our future dealings should be via telephone.

The Other Side of Patronizing

2008-12-24T08:17:00.000-08:00

I suppose it is your right to come up with alternative ideas and present them to me. I can't necessarily fault you for that. What does irk me is that the quality of the idea is antithetical to anything remotely resembling a workable solution. So as the arbiter of this process, I will need you to cease sulking when I completely write it off with a tart curtness that could be so much worse. If you were a more mature individual you may even see the kindness I am showing you just by being merely rude. It is time to give up your notions of adequacy and follow along with my instructions.

In Need of Fresh Air

2008-12-23T08:03:00.000-08:00

It has hit me with a clarity I can not provide a counter argument to. Your noxious breath has made the continuation of our friendship impossible. Obviously, social mores bar me from explaining myself with any clarity so please excuse whatever flimsy pretense I employee in order to provide a solid structure for dissolving this bond. The reason may not stand up to any sort of scrutiny, but it is best for us both if we approach this issue with a willful credulity.

Mismeasure of Man

2008-12-22T08:39:00.000-08:00

Ma'am, regardless of your orientation, if you are going to pose as a man with your garb, hairstyle and mannerisms, you could at least choose one with a sense of style. Your outsized caricature of what you believe to be a male is disturbing to say the least. It is like some odd hybrid of trailer park biker meets a 70s sitcom handyman. And it wouldn't hurt to take off a few dozen pounds. Who knows what you are trying to attract, but unless it is unwanted stares, I am not sure you are hitting the mark.

Excuse Me?

2008-12-21T08:35:00.000-08:00

I realize that it is considered rude for me to finish your sentences as you are clearly have a stuttering problem. But maybe you should show some understanding that as someone who is not patient, I can't really calmly sit by awaiting your next point. Am I to applaud you for wasting my time like so much spare spittle? I think not.

Cry of the Beholder

2008-12-20T08:06:00.000-08:00

If you are going to listen to everything I say, more than likely you will at some point find yourself offended. And while it will be a fair observation that offense was intended, it really is up to you whether to take it that way or not. So you see, it's really your fault.

Grant Me the Strength

2008-12-19T08:40:00.000-08:00

It galls me to have to thank you for correcting an obvious error. Is it too much to ask for the minimum? Is it too much to ask you to actually do what was requested initially. I believe it would require me to be a much different kind of person to forgive you for this sort of transgression. But please, if you cannot even perform simple tasks when requested, save the attitude about being asked to rectify the situation. And if my tone borders on patronizing mixed with a healthy dose of acrimony, I have to hope you can understand. It is much less understanding than you are expecting of me. Although comprehension does seem to be in short supply.

Wisdom

2008-12-18T08:41:00.000-08:00

By virtue of being younger, let me assure you that you are dumber. I don't know when this became clear to me, but you seem to lack a certain level of referential information that would enable you to interact with those around you. It seems that it would be in your best interest to remain silent.

Do Tell

2008-12-17T08:37:00.000-08:00

You seem to be under some misperception that I do not understand your predicament. You keep muttering that I have some sort of block. As if I wouldn't be able to discern the minor dramas that seem plaque your life. It is not euclidean geometry. I most certainly ascertain the situation, but what you have confused as ignorance is actually undisguised apathy. Perhaps if you weren't so caught up in yourself, you might have noticed.

Cold and Wet

2008-12-16T08:30:00.000-08:00

The first snow should not cause you to lapse into fits of euphoria or to wax poetic regarding the beauty of nature. It is nothing to lose your composure over. It is at best an inconvenience of layered clothing, slippery surfaces, and slush. You are not in the school yard. Anything short of a catastrophic blizzard and you will find yourself somewhat hindered but still expected at the workplace.

Breaking Away

2008-12-15T08:16:00.000-08:00

I'm sure that you are mired in the misery surrounding the termination of your latest relationship. And while it may be easy to submerge one's self in the fetid waters of self pity, maybe you should take heart knowing that this brings others unabashed joy. No one will miss that ill-tempered shrew who kept you henpecked and emasculated. We rejoice and look forward to the return of your previous self. Great tidings.

It is the Season

2008-12-14T08:15:00.000-08:00

While it may seem cliche, I have to point out that I can't abide by the spirit of the holidays. I think it is my extreme dislike of artifice and selective goodwill. So please save your best wishes for someone who wants them. I'm not sure what yours are worth as it is.

Greetings and Salutations of the Lame

2008-12-13T08:07:00.000-08:00

Can we forgo your custom of intricate and ill-executed handshakes? Accept that you are ethnically challenged. I know you have a penchant for this sort of thing, but perhaps it is time to accept that you are older and less current than you think. This is nothing more than an awkward attempt to maintain something you really never were.

Tis the Season

2008-12-12T08:00:00.000-08:00

I guess it is not enough that it is cold and harsh. I have to be subjected to aimless shoppers roaming the city. Moving slowly, taking up space, and swinging bags that can clip the thigh of anyone attempting to get passed. And those attempts are frequent due to inexplicable stopping and direction changes to make the most blind drunk seem predictable. They hit these sidewalks in teeming masses making sure that what was not bad enough surely is now.

Uncalled for Chemical Assault

2008-12-11T08:12:00.000-08:00

Oh, absolutely not. You will not sit next to me chewing with an open mouth some sort of fetid meat concoction brought up from the bowels of the city served to you out of greasy water. The spectacle you present is unsettling. I must flee before the odiferous fumes settle around me like a cloud of gas stifling and choking in it's foulness.

Without Power There is Little Responsibility

2008-12-10T08:18:00.000-08:00

Reading a comic book is at best an activity only to be done bathed in the sickly light of a bare bulb swinging from your parents' basement. Public displays of comic book readership are rightly shunned. True, it tells the world you are comfortable in your pale and clammy skin, but it also belies the fact that you have surrendered the last shred of your ego. You've lost hope and rediscovered a lost youth that probably was no more a happy time than this one. Obliviate yourself with garish colors and sub-soap opera story lines. Tell those around you (especially the women) that you are not interested in joining them. You would shout this from the rooftops if you ever found yourself outside.

No One Asked You

2008-12-09T08:41:00.000-08:00

No, please, I am so interested in your minor and inconsequential critique. Please don't let the fact that you add nothing else to this process in any way prevent you from putting in your worthless and irritating comment. Perhaps if you had a shred of talent or an ounce of ambition, I could possibly even consider what you had to say. When you have left this place and no one notices, you will probably just feel that most lack observational abilities, and that they never could appreciate all that you brought to a situation. But I noticed. And I will never forget. You are a blight.

Gross Malfeasance

2008-12-08T08:18:00.000-08:00

Your show of bringing reading material to the office restroom is an affront to your co-workers. Although defecation is a necessity to all, choosing such a brazen display shows you as a shameless goldbrick wallowing in your own putrid essence all the while eating into company time. You are vile.

Where Will I Summon The Strength

2008-12-07T08:56:00.000-08:00

The massive failures that make up your life's endeavors has made conversation difficult. There are so very many topics to dance around, I can hardly keep them straight. This is something you should think about. I realize this shortcoming is merely a rung on a long ladder into despair, but it may be the one that affects the most influence.

Can I Help You?

2008-12-06T08:57:00.000-08:00

It is clear you have come to some sort of crossroads in your life. You apparently need to unburden yourself of this heavy psychic weight. Let me encourage you to seek someone else for emotional guidance. Not only am I ill equipped to care about you, but at best, my advice would be a thinly veiled directive to make matters worse. You see, I resent having my time destroyed by profound matters of the heart. Especially when they come from you. Be a man. Go take solace in the sudsy foam of a beer. Bask in your misery. But do it quietly. I implore you.

Omissions

2008-12-05T08:00:00.000-08:00

My signature does not grace your card, dear coworker. Please note that this is quite intentional. I have no regard for you or whatever your ailment, pregnancy or departure may entail. The mere thought of working up the energy to show any sort of recognition exhausts me. I believe my ignorance of your existence is the very best I can offer. You're welcome.

Speak Volumes

2008-12-04T08:54:00.000-08:00

You'll have to forgive me. I know you were standing their talking. Your jaw was moving as you emitted sounds that presumably were words. I wouldn't know because for the life of me, I have no idea what you could possibly have been saying. I only know two things: you were saying a lot, and it couldn't have been that important. The latter was derived from the fact that it was you talking. You are a droning officious dufus. I assume you are conditioned not be to sensitive about this kind of treatment.

On the Road

2008-12-03T08:53:00.000-08:00

Feel free to swing your car door open into heavy traffic. As long as you are going to be fine with me ripping your door and possibly your arm off, I can't complain too much. I won't be able to forgive you for scratching the finish on my paint nor inevitable insurance premium issues, but there will be some solace I suppose.

Muzzle

2008-12-02T08:31:00.000-08:00

If you are going to co-commute, please handle all your snippy spousal conversations before you leave the house. Others should not have to listen to you two debate the news of the day just because you share the Times. It is embarrassing and most of all irritating. You grow tired of these conversations, and it is completely understandable. You are both morons.

The Desultory Nature of Wasted Time

2008-12-01T08:00:00.000-08:00

It is high time someone had the wherewithal you tell you that your hobbies and, more to the point, your devotion to them make everyone around you uncomfortable. No one cares about the esoteric nature of the nomenclature nor the historic significance of said hobbies. You are a grown man saturated with the trappings of childhood whimsy. The very least you could do is keep it very quiet. Limit the amount of embarrassment those around you must suffer.

Big Splash

2008-11-30T08:19:00.000-08:00

I'm sure there are so many good reasons for you to hit MACH 1 out here in this rainy weather. Hopefully, those reasons are nothing short of a snake bite. But perhaps you could have avoided the enormous puddle next to the sidewalk. Because now my ill wishes are upon you like so much muddy water on my pants.

Clown Crier

2008-11-29T08:19:00.000-08:00

You are the voice of the great dissatisfied masses. You put it upon yourself to make a scene in a crowd when things seem unfair. But any help you may provide or injustice you uncover is completely counterbalanced by the embarrassing nature of your complaint. People would rather you pipe down and take care of your own business. Stifle your instincts and remain calm. You do not help the situation.

Leper Among Us

2008-11-28T08:14:00.000-08:00

Some may laud you for your tireless work ethic as you drag yourself into work riddled with illness. I for one, fellow commuter, will not be counted among them. Your sniffling and coughing all over the train puts every one of us at risk for whatever pox you carry. Since I don't work with you, I don't reap whatever dubious benefits there might be to having you show up at work dragging yourself through your day in an anti-histamine fog. Your co-passengers are all innocent in this regard and your wanton display of dripping infectious disease is nothing more than misanthropy embodied.

Digestive Catastrophe

2008-11-27T20:25:00.001-08:00

Digestive Catastrophe

2008-11-27T08:25:00.000-08:00

While I appreciate the effort put forth in preparing what seemed like a fine repast, I cannot explain the havoc it caused my system. The sheer horror is too much for civilized conversation. But the fact remains that you have left me bedraggled and worn. And I could not forgive you even if I had the capacity to do so.

Advertising

2008-11-26T08:31:00.000-08:00

Ah yes, I see you celebrate your ethnicity through witty t-shirt slogans. That is so you.

Suffering Fools

2008-11-25T08:39:00.000-08:00

I do not hold much stock in the virtue of patience. And have even less interest in that passing fancy when it concerns having to wait around for inefficient slobs such as yourself. If I felt that what I was waiting for was high quality I may have a different take on the matter. But I understand that you have made quite a reputation for yourself with your insidious combination of inefficient and incompetent. So don't mind me when I drag your name through the mud and extend you all the courtesy I would gum affixed to the bottom of my shoe.

Befuddled

2008-11-24T08:48:00.000-08:00

It is easy to deduce in the short span of this conversation that you've forgotten my name. You have fail to conceal this fact so please stop using pronouns to cover up your ill-advised subterfuge. You must be very embarrassed to try such a ham handed illusion, but there is no need to be. I am more than fine with this situation. The fact that I know your name has more to do with intelligence than who is more memorable.

Danger in Closed Spaces

2008-11-23T08:08:00.000-08:00

I have no interest in speculating exactly what has caused the horrible stench in your office. Be it some festering goulosh in your trash or last night's revelry eating away your insides. I am willing to leave it lie with no comment, as long as you can accept me backing away slowly and taking my silent leave of your putrid company.

Making Matters Worse

2008-11-22T08:51:00.000-08:00

Explaining how to perform simple tasks is weighing heavily upon me. You require constant supervision and quality control. Only a team of eagle-eyed, detail-oriented staff can keep you from causing utter catastrophe. Your ineptitude is a vast and leaden burden that no one should be forced to shoulder.

Moment of Clarity

2008-11-21T08:35:00.000-08:00

I felt so relieved at the realization that I don't care about the interpersonal relations at the office. Weighing myself down with the comings and goings of the rumor mill was tiring. True it had perks that come with learning embarrassing details of people's lives, but it takes such effort. Effort that is wasted on people I don't care about. I feel lighter.

Revelations

2008-11-20T08:16:00.000-08:00

Ah, pathetic coworker, it appears someone has let on how much disdain I have for you. How I sandbag you at every turn. I would hope that you could act like a professional about this. Perhaps use my assessment as motivation. I suppose that gives you too much credit. I won't make that mistake again.

What Was Shall Never Be

2008-11-19T08:21:00.000-08:00

Your past dependability makes the fact that you are currently worthless that much worse. We see the shell. We remember what we could be dealing with. But we are alarmed and taken back by what is actually being presented. Not only are you written off, but resented for your precipitous fall. It is a shame, but also shameful.

Sound Science

2008-11-18T08:29:00.000-08:00

Your imposing and complicated headphones are a warning to all that you take music seriously. You may be sporting a business casual look but inside you are the hipster indie rocker who makes us all shudder in shame to remain ignorant of the artists you support. But to me, you look goofy adorning your head with something reminiscent of a 70's hifi. Something between prop comedian fare and orthodontic headgear. Your air of superiority is ironic as your hipster sensibility.

Unwelcome

2008-11-17T08:37:00.000-08:00

It appears I am in need of a repellent for drunken louts looking for some sort of camaraderie or approval for their abhorrent behavior. I do not want to chat about the local sports club or throw in with you to decry the treatment you receive from those around you. I am one of those people, and you richly deserve such judgment. I wish your life wasn't such a swirling morass of dejection so I might not find you in this state. I'd like to not find you at all. Please fade into the background as is mandated by the social contract we should all uphold.

It Takes Fortitude

2008-11-16T08:27:00.000-08:00

If I have to suffer your presence, you could at least keep the historionics to a minimum. It isn't all about you. I assure you.

Worthless

2008-11-15T08:05:00.000-08:00

You like to fashion yourself someone with such largesse that those around you owe you for their very existence. But I find that there is little substance behind this bluster. You seldom come through with anything more than hollow promises. You may have those around you fooled, but I see you very clearly and I am far from impressed.

Pip Pip

2008-11-14T08:37:00.000-08:00

Unless you are saddled with British heritage, it is not remotely acceptable to end correspondence with "Cheers". This is even more repugnant as a conversation capper. You come across as the seemingly contradictory character who can at one time be pretentious and stupid. It isn't the best way to end a phone call.

Festivities

2008-11-13T08:02:00.000-08:00

The card has come around and donations are being solicited. Your nuptials are coming up and all your co workers are embracing your big day. I hate to be blunt, but I really don't care if you get married or even that you have a life outside of the office. I mean no insult and I'm not usually considered cheap, but I would hate you to think I considered you anything more than just someone I know right now.

Stick Up Kid

2008-11-12T08:12:00.000-08:00

Surely the surgical mask you wear on the streets is protecting you from all sorts of airborne pathogens. This must be true because why else would you be willing to look so completely ridiculous unless it was helping you? I hope you feel quite superior with your thin layer of paper providing a live-giving barrier as all of us other Luddites throw caution to the wind and breath air directly from the source. Old fashioned respiration. I assume you must be agape at our recklessness. It is impossible to tell.

Less is Less

2008-11-11T08:29:00.000-08:00

I wish I could be happy for you that you have a workout regiment. You are overly pleased with yourself spouting off platitudes and self-help mantras coating those around you with the fetid slime of self righteousness. And your new sartorial choices are worse. You currently only buy the tightest clothes and constantly flex and feel yourself. It is actually disgusting to watch and hard to turn from. You are the human equivalent of train collision carnage. Perhaps you should go back to eating.

Managing Expectations

2008-11-10T08:23:00.000-08:00

It is somewhat baffling that you have somehow crawled up the corporate ladder on your belly to reach some kind of station of power. You have no eye for talent. It is more than likely that this inability is intrinsically related to your own lack of expertise in your profession. How could you be expected to recognize something with which you are wholly unfamiliar? I suppose we should all be impressed at your fortuitous rise based on something I cannot place. It isn't as if you have some semblance of personality that could carry the day.

Right to Lowlife

2008-11-09T08:44:00.000-08:00

Although I don't see getting pregnant as the great accomplishment of the modern era, you do look like a complete ass for not giving up your seat to the swooning soon-to-be mother. The eyes of the packed car are on you filled with shared enmity. No one will hope you mind the gap.

Under the Influence

2008-11-08T08:15:00.000-08:00

There are times after a casual and normal night involving perhaps a dram or two more of alcohol consumption than might be prudent for an evening before a work day, that I may have slightly less tolerance for my fellow man. But don't let that obscure the fact that I would be annoyed listening to your prattle at any time. It is just today that I can't listen to it for one more moment. Fly from me with haste. Stay out of my sight and most importantly my earshot.

Religious Friend

2008-11-07T08:16:00.000-08:00

I suppose I can only blame myself for not vetting you properly when I acquiesced by allowing you into my group of friends. I did so not realizing you are born again into some sort of high-minded and self-righteous religious sect. I believe I missed any outward signs of such a stigma possibly through your subterfuge. Hard to say. Rest assured, now that I am fully aware of your stance, the situation will be rectified post-haste.

Every Time a Door Closes

2008-11-06T08:15:00.000-08:00

No need to recognize that, in a show of gallantry, I have delayed my own travels to hold open a door for you. I assume your less than gracious nature is indicative of something deeper, more sinister about you. Perhaps it would have served you better to meet directly with a slammed door.

Great Communicator

2008-11-05T08:14:00.000-08:00

When asked how you are doing, you must know that it is not an inquiry as much as a perfunctory greeting. Your role in the conversation is to provide an equally throw away response. Either explaining that you are fine or ignoring the non-question all together moving on to a different greeting or perhaps repeating the phrase. Any other response is completely unacceptable and reflects badly on you as an egomaniacal narcissist who truly believes their life is worth knowing about in any detail. This is quite alarming as there is so much evidence to the contrary.

Exotica

2008-11-04T08:14:00.000-08:00

This is not the first time I have heard of your predilection for exotic pets. Apparently your house runs amok with wildly plumed birds and unblinking lizards. Surely one can easily imagine a cavalcade of screeching squawks and ungodly smells. No matter what other personality traits you exhibit, knowing what you willingly go home to makes you odd and off putting.

They Call Me the Hunter

2008-11-03T08:03:00.000-08:00

There is a level of awe one goes through when peering upon your massive form anchored poolside. A great glistening blob of Caucasia. The gleam pierces the eye, but not enough to distract one from the grotesque nature of it all. And to see the poor soul you have at your spilling over sides applying sunscreen without the help of a paint roller, really just adds unneeded pathos to the situation. Thankfully, I am too far away to hear sounds from which surely I would never recover. Like a manatee being forced through a carwash.

Reaching Out

2008-11-02T08:58:00.000-08:00

I guess it is touching that you care so much about me that you deem it necessary to harangue me about staying in contact. You respect and cherish my every opinion and thought. My well-being is so important to you that you seem to have some sort of symbiotic connection to me. I can only tell you that the feeling is completely one-sided and I only consider you upon several reminders and even then so far into the category of afterthought that even this modicum of consideration is at best a mild insult.

These Tough Times

2008-11-01T08:36:00.000-07:00

It matters little what your assessment of me may be. You may take my laconic nature in your presence as some sort of sign that I am slow to digest your ideas and intricate plans for improvement. My silence is of the stunned variety, borne out of shock and dismay. How is it that someone so myopic and mentally deficient could be in any sort of position of power? Keep spewing verbiage, I'll be withdrawn in my thoughts of a better place without you.

Misunderstandings

2008-10-31T08:32:00.000-07:00

It worries me to think that you may have possibly taken what I said as an innocuous, or worse, a flattering comment. I fear my derision may have been too heavily coated with sarcasm for your limited mental capacity. The thought that being unnaturally dense may insulate you from well-timed and succinctly stated insults has me reconsidering my whole strategy. Your type of idiocy obliges a ham-fisted approach.

Driving Force

2008-10-30T08:19:00.000-07:00

I'm unclear as to what authority gave you permission to operate a motor vehicle, but it was a short sighted decision. You are a menace to the road and to society. No one is safe with you on the streets. I implore you to invest in a public transit pass or a debilitating illness.

Snivelling Backstabbing Coward

2008-10-29T08:08:00.000-07:00

You are a bootlick of the lowest order. If ever you get a chance to remove your lips from the boss's posterior, maybe you could actually make an effort towards competency. You would find that being a sychopantic simpering gofer is all too much wasted effort. If you expended half the energy it takes to flatter the person you are working for and just actually put it towards your given profession, you might actually be respected for what you do.

Walker Text Ranger

2008-10-28T08:34:00.000-07:00

Texting seems like a fine alternative to filling the air with ridiculous cellphone conversations. But one thing can be said for the rude yapper on the streets is that they can at least traverse the pedestrian byways without impeding those around him. You, sporting that classic texters hunched posture are nothing but an obstacle to get around. There is no doubt that your missive filled with abbreviations and punctuation faces has no bearing on anything in this world. It is only slightly more worthless than your existence. A state of being threatened as you step into busy crosswalks.

Uncomfortable Spectacle

2008-10-27T08:38:00.000-07:00

I'm afraid you are too old to dye your hair in outrageous neon hues, ma'am. Perhaps you are clinging to some notion of youth. Maybe you hold dear to your heart some sort of artistic movement of the mid-to-late twentieth century. You are such a wild individualist that normal convention(from 40 years ago) can not restrain you. That may be the style you are looking for, but the effect is more of a pitiable kook.

Good Luck, Friend

2008-10-26T08:05:00.000-07:00

You seem puzzled and perplexed regarding your repeated attempts to set you sister up with possible romantic leads. You have worked through your friends, acquaintances, and even your office. I realize no one will tell you this, but the main issue is that she is homely. Not necessarily some sort of beastly, cyst-covered ogre, but more plain and uninteresting. Also, have you had her IQ tested? I am concerned.

Sensitive Soul

2008-10-25T08:36:00.000-07:00

You seem to pick and choose, seemingly at random, what it is that you find humorous and what you take offense to. This will be a major obstacle for any kind of friendship. I am not quite clear on how to assure you that it is indeed you who will need to change.

Expecting the Unexpected

2008-10-24T08:35:00.000-07:00

Unmarried and pregnant, I see you every day at the office. I know it is a subject to avoid, but it is asking a lot of me to do so.

A Good Meal Spoiled

2008-10-23T08:35:00.000-07:00

Seeing your lover's quarrel here in this restaurant is distasteful and jarring. I have no doubts that spending even a half an hour or so with either of you would be unbearable. Really though, is it this exact moment that you've come to this conclusion? Had you no hint at this dissatisfaction? No one wants this glimpse of your personal ring of Hell. So let's try something novel shall we? Think of others for once and quietly pay your tab, taking your leave for a screaming match in your car. If not, you may need to be forcibly removed. And just a note, whispering at a high and nasty volume is not whispering.

On Foot

2008-10-22T08:34:00.000-07:00

Fine Asian businessman, I note that in keeping with some sort of misguided cultural convention, you have decided to doff your shoes on your commute.You place your stockinged feet on the seat across from you. This leaves me unhinged. No one wants your disgusting feet out on display and rubbed into a sitting area they may someday use. And yes, feet are disgusting, even your small and unobtrusive pair. Traditionally feet are rightly kept wrapped in socks and a layer of leather. They are meant to be stored and not seen. Preferably hidden away under your seat.

Hair Play

2008-10-21T08:38:00.000-07:00

Sir, the time and energy you exert on your hair is an affront to masculinity. You obviously have too much time to style, tease, and coax your coif into submission. You toil until you have reached some sort of boy band fauxhawk perfection. You sport an oil slick of salon products that show a ghastly sheen and emit a miasma of treacly olfactory horror. And can you not see how awful you look? One assumes the mirror is a major part of your morning routine. Foppish

Annexation

2008-10-20T08:34:00.000-07:00

I can't say what it is about me that would attract someone of your girth to sit next to me on this train, ma'am. Perhaps I have a lingering air of tasty snacks. Or maybe I appear to be less judgmental than many of those who cast shocked glances in your direction. But that appearance is deceptive. My thoughts are not good, and that enmity is compounded by the intense warmth from your ample thigh and landslide of blubber clinging to what we must assume is your long-thought lost ribcage.

Accidental Eavesdropper

2008-10-19T08:00:00.000-07:00

When I tell you that I couldn't help but overhear your conversation, I truly mean it. Would it were that I could have avoided listening to your unceasing talk filled with inaccuracies and ignorance, I sincerely would have. For now, all of us who were within earshot are that much the worse for it.

Accidental Eavesdropper

Childish

2008-10-18T08:40:00.000-07:00

Oh yes, please go on about your children. I don't know them. But I know you. And I feel for them.

Floor by Floor

2008-10-17T08:18:00.000-07:00

I was under the obviously erroneous impression that any conversation with a stranger in the elevator would be limited under the category of chit chat or small talk. Preferably brief and hopefully to be kept to nothing more profound than the weather or offhand remarks on the market. Please understand that this concession was made under duress. The optimum condition for a ride in the elevator is complete silence. So as you begin your prattle, you may note my icy glare and stone countenance. You are fortunate to get off so lightly.

Neighbors

2008-10-16T08:16:00.000-07:00

Old and wrinkled crone, your withering and watery glance cannot deter me from taking the seat next to you on this train. Your years have afforded you no additional deference from me, and although I can understand your consternation, I can't bring myself to care. You don't see me complaining about your vaguely medicinal air or your scary veined hands easily remembered from some childhood nightmare reaching from the grave. I think that's rather big of me.

What's In a Name

2008-10-15T08:25:00.000-07:00

I'm afraid that I have resorted to pronouns because I have forgotten your name. It is embarrassing for you that we have met many times, and obviously you did not make any sort of impression. At least, not in any meaningful way. I haven't retained any sort of information about you aside from the fact that I have seen you before. I can't help but feel resentful that you would put me in such an awkward situation.

Drag

2008-10-14T08:51:00.001-07:00

Sir, the gargantuan wheeled bag you tote clumsily behind you is an effeminate sidewalk obstacle. You are an irksome impediment and nothing more.

Naming Names

2008-10-13T08:21:00.000-07:00

It is with no small effort that I swallow down the rising bile generated from hearing you drop the names of famous people you have some tenuous connection to. A hollywood producer married to a third cousin, a sports figure you harass at the local deli, or a character actor in your screenplay writing workshop can tangentially be referred to in almost any conversation. And you test this theory liberally. You've created an unending litany of coma-inducing conversation. Will there ever be a time that someone will reference meeting you to their friends, boring them to tears? It brings me no pleasure to know there won't.

Pattern

2008-10-12T08:17:00.000-07:00

The thing about dating women from only one race outside of your own is that it goes from coincidence to prediliction. These ladies are hard to discern from each other and it is exceedingly difficult to keep their names straight. Frankly, this sort of overt expression of psychological preference is creepy.

Employment

2008-10-11T08:46:00.000-07:00

I see that you are proud and pleased with your new job, but I think you'd ought to know that it is more than likely a flim flam game meant to trap recent and desperate college graduates. Those with family money are preferable.

Agressive Agressive

2008-10-10T08:51:00.000-07:00

Unhelpful coworker, I can't help but see through your attempts to undermine my confidence. It is not trying your hand at the impossible that irks me, more that you would think for a minute that I could respect you enough to be anything more than ambivalent about anything you might utter. Maybe you should go back to picking on underlings and the mail room staff. That's more your speed.

Seriously?

2008-10-09T08:05:00.000-07:00

Let's all avoid casting aspersions when we have sinned, shall we? You tend towards the self-righteous when in fact, you are actually nothing more than a self-loathing lunatic who tries to cover their own shortcomings by attacking others. Perhaps you should take a long look at your own life before passing judgment on others. Or at least, consider this idea when holding your tongue.

No Vacancy

2008-10-08T08:21:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately, we must remain friends of a friend. This is obvious as I do not tolerate you well without the catalyst of my actual friend's presence. He sees something in you that I cannot. This may be my own issue or my own fault, but I don't think so.

Unskilled Labor

2008-10-07T08:42:00.000-07:00

You are painfully slow on the uptake and cannot be trusted to carry out simple tasks. The workplace is hectic enough when you avoid your job, but what you do take on is done poorly. Correcting your errors only adds to the mess. Perhaps you should call in sick for the foreseeable future.

Mirror Mirror

2008-10-06T08:11:00.000-07:00

I can't, from this angle, fully pass judgment on your aesthetic qualities, miss. But you seem to be quite fixated on the subject yourself. At every storefront on this jaunt, you have given over a not-so-brief glance at your appearance in the plate glass windows. Adjusting your hair, straightening a pleat, checking for any and all imperfections. It's actually a significant accomplishment that you avoid walking into anything or anyone as you are so consumed with yourself. I believe you hurdled a homeless gentleman to keep your eye on the alignment of your eyebrows. There is poetry of motion on these streets.

Bon Voyage

2008-10-05T08:10:00.000-07:00

You departure from this workplace was hotly anticipated. The teary farewells were masks obscuring joy. If I were to try to conjure up any tears, it would be out of sympathy for the poor bastards you are going to take up with. They know not what they are getting themselves into. Of course, that would require having a shred of empathy for those inept enough to make the colossal mistake of hiring you. Not something with which I am currently handicapped.

Gaping Maw

2008-10-04T08:55:00.000-07:00

You yawn reveals things about you and the inside of your mouth that I do not think you would like to publicize. I am stricken.

Bleary Traveler

2008-10-03T08:12:00.000-07:00

Ah, bummy old man, what is it you see in me that invites conversation? Is it my cold glare? My silence? My inner desire for solitude? Your alcohol saturation? I can't really be expected to decipher your query or even get over my intense loathing. You would do better with the small Asian woman or perhaps I could suggest a nap?

Husbandry

2008-10-02T08:11:00.000-07:00

It is with a good dose of incredulity that I listen to you wax prolific on the immense joys of parenthood. Apparently, achieving your biological imperative has filled you with pride and satisfaction that comes with knowing a mission is complete. A the same time, it is hard to miss the navy bags anchoring down your eye sockets, the unkempt clothes, and the ratty hair that tell a different tale. It all speaks of deprivation, pain, and possibly regret. Perhaps it is better to defer some dreams in order to keep sleep uninterrupted. And possibly some responsibilities can wear too heavily not only mentally, but physically. Although I would never utter a syllable of that sentiment to you, oh proud one.

Rest for the Weary

2008-10-01T08:11:00.000-07:00

Rest tight, sleepy head. The work day and your commuter beers have sapped what strength you managed to muster today. Don't concern yourself that you snore and drool in public. One must assume you have no shame, which helps in this situation. But I may also venture the assumption that you probably would have preferred getting off at your selected destination rather than continue to slumber undisturbed. Your commute is getting complicated and more than likely expensive. Sweet dreams.

It Will Be Televised

2008-09-30T08:12:00.000-07:00

When you say you don't watch television, you sound so proud. As if you are telling a crowd that you have sworn off racism and child brutality. In self-righteous tones usually reserved for born again church going types, you chide others for their enjoyment of this form of entertainment. National Public Radio, erudite magazines, and a well-chosen newspaper will suit you just fine. You now have a leg up on information superiority. I hope this is soothing salve for the stinging fact that you are a lonely bore. You have no sense of fun unless it is enjoying bewildered looks as you quote a literary critic about a book you didn't read or a culinary guide about a restaurant you will never attempt to visit. Lock yourself in your shabby apartment and live out your mortal coil having done and seen nearly nothing. Maybe someday soon you will understand that being smug is an unattractive quality. Especially in someone with no basis for it.

You Don't Say

2008-09-29T08:50:00.000-07:00

It is with increasing difficulty that I feign interest in what you are saying or doing. If I thought for a moment you cared about anyone else but yourself, I might worry that you would notice my aloof attitude towards you. Luckily, for all involved, I read you correctly and we can go on. Hooray for that.