A Mouthful

Removing your false tooth as a conversation piece in mixed company is as uncoothed as conceivably possible. High class company, you are not.

Captive Audience

Your attempt at levity during this elevator trip is met with steely glances and ill will. As it should be.

Epic Amounts of Information

I do think it is presumptuous to leave your feminine hygiene products at his apartment this early in your relationship. I should also add that it is presumptuous to think that the the complete strangers on this train, myself included, enjoy this type of overheard conversation.

Cognitive Dissonance

You are exceedingly difficult to talk to. It isn't just that you are a bore, but you also have habits that are unseemly to the point that it is nearly impossible to to have a prolonged discussion with you. You are constantly picking at your ears, your nose, and maybe the most disgusting and off putting, your eyes. I go reeling from your presence after watching you absent-mindedly extract some unknown substance from your eye, inspect it coolly, and cast it aside. Perhaps you developed this habit as some way to overcome an agoraphobic bent. If you were to act as you may when alone (wallowing in filth), you do not have to worry about the prying eyes and hurtful judgements of those you encounter. Let me provide you with the assurance that we can see you. You are not invisible. And I for one am worse for that fact.

Take Pity

Your mouth is in perpetual motion. I can recognize this fact. But if you are under the impression that I am taking in anything you are going on about, then you do not recognize my current state. Your voice is stabbing my mind. It is all I can do to stop from clawing out my aural canals. You must stop tormenting me, I have no doubt that whatever it is you are so verbose about is of no consequence.

Glad Tidings

Ah, the great congregation of the unwashed and illiterate. Celebrate dawning of new hope. Just do it far from me. Please use contraception.

Waiting

Kind waiter, I know you believe you know better, but I will select what I want to eat. Please go bully some tourists into having the cheese plate.

Trapped by Tourism

Why are you here clogging the streets of our fair city? The grand spectacle of the ball dropping is still days away. And yet, you mill about seemingly aimlessly. You hoot and holler making the dead of winter even more intolerable. Stupidity knows no bonds and cares nothing for dipping temperatures. One can only hope that the swarms of con artists swoop down and drink deep of the nectar you provide. Either that or natural disaster.

Misery and Company

Must you destroy every moment regardless of how mundane it is? There is no topic that you cannot spin into a tale of your own despair. I would test this theory, but I don't think that I can muster the strength. You have sapped me of all energy. How many major and minor tragedies have you suffered? How have you cataloged them all so well? You have such immediate recall of all your many and varied indignities. I would offer you a beverage, but I am sure you will spin a yarn of your childhood near-drowning. I would offer you something to eat, but I fear a close relative may have choked to an early death. You are all leaking roofs and deflated tires. You are missed opportunities and gloom on the horizon. I cannot even feel the thrill of superiority to your situation because you take all the air out of the room.

Driving Force

No, no, please don't let the fact that traffic is stopped dissuade you from attempting to move between lanes over and over again. It's not irritating at all. It isn't making matters worse. If for some reason, you can get through this situation forty to fifty seconds before the rest of us, it will all have been worth it.

Kanoodling

If you are going to insist on continuing to intertwine your tongues and caress each other so frantically, I will be forced to protest this display of prehistoric mating ritual in the only way I know how. When the projectile vomit hits you, you will know how disgusted I am and perhaps a level of queasiness will befall you in much the same way it has me. I, for one, will feel much better.

Askew View

It might be because I don't care to remember or know to the difference, but I have no idea if you have a false eye or just some sort of physical issue that forces one to react and track much different from the other. Either way, when talking to you, I have no idea which eye is the one to follow. Which one should one must devote attention to. I have to say that it is a bit of embarrassment that I don't need. If at all possible, our future dealings should be via telephone.

The Other Side of Patronizing

I suppose it is your right to come up with alternative ideas and present them to me. I can't necessarily fault you for that. What does irk me is that the quality of the idea is antithetical to anything remotely resembling a workable solution. So as the arbiter of this process, I will need you to cease sulking when I completely write it off with a tart curtness that could be so much worse. If you were a more mature individual you may even see the kindness I am showing you just by being merely rude. It is time to give up your notions of adequacy and follow along with my instructions.

In Need of Fresh Air

It has hit me with a clarity I can not provide a counter argument to. Your noxious breath has made the continuation of our friendship impossible. Obviously, social mores bar me from explaining myself with any clarity so please excuse whatever flimsy pretense I employee in order to provide a solid structure for dissolving this bond. The reason may not stand up to any sort of scrutiny, but it is best for us both if we approach this issue with a willful credulity.

Mismeasure of Man

Ma'am, regardless of your orientation, if you are going to pose as a man with your garb, hairstyle and mannerisms, you could at least choose one with a sense of style. Your outsized caricature of what you believe to be a male is disturbing to say the least. It is like some odd hybrid of trailer park biker meets a 70s sitcom handyman. And it wouldn't hurt to take off a few dozen pounds. Who knows what you are trying to attract, but unless it is unwanted stares, I am not sure you are hitting the mark.

Excuse Me?

I realize that it is considered rude for me to finish your sentences as you are clearly have a stuttering problem. But maybe you should show some understanding that as someone who is not patient, I can't really calmly sit by awaiting your next point. Am I to applaud you for wasting my time like so much spare spittle? I think not.

Cry of the Beholder

If you are going to listen to everything I say, more than likely you will at some point find yourself offended. And while it will be a fair observation that offense was intended, it really is up to you whether to take it that way or not. So you see, it's really your fault.

Grant Me the Strength

It galls me to have to thank you for correcting an obvious error. Is it too much to ask for the minimum? Is it too much to ask you to actually do what was requested initially. I believe it would require me to be a much different kind of person to forgive you for this sort of transgression. But please, if you cannot even perform simple tasks when requested, save the attitude about being asked to rectify the situation. And if my tone borders on patronizing mixed with a healthy dose of acrimony, I have to hope you can understand. It is much less understanding than you are expecting of me. Although comprehension does seem to be in short supply.

Wisdom

By virtue of being younger, let me assure you that you are dumber. I don't know when this became clear to me, but you seem to lack a certain level of referential information that would enable you to interact with those around you. It seems that it would be in your best interest to remain silent.

Do Tell

You seem to be under some misperception that I do not understand your predicament. You keep muttering that I have some sort of block. As if I wouldn't be able to discern the minor dramas that seem plaque your life. It is not euclidean geometry. I most certainly ascertain the situation, but what you have confused as ignorance is actually undisguised apathy. Perhaps if you weren't so caught up in yourself, you might have noticed.