Modernity

Sharing your blog with me is the first and most effective step to ending our friendship. Confirming my suspicion that you have terrible taste in most everything you purchase or consume was one thing. But providing shocking evidence that you are emotionally unstable, overly sentimental, and at times maudlin makes my skin crawl as I flee from the computer in shamed embarrassment. This changes everything.

Riveting Conversation

Young lady, your exotic display of bosom while not unwelcome is wholly distracting. And if we are to continue this conversation, you cannot expect much in the way of eye contact. I have a genetic imperative that I am no more master of than a common red-buttocked monkey. It is good that we are able to come to this understanding. You were saying?

Bad Habit

Your winking is discomforting. I am not sure what I am implicitly "in on", but I do not believe you are reading me right. You and I do not share an agenda unless you are feeling immediate wanderlust or suicidal tendencies.

Best Friends

It would probably work out better for all of us if you had that intimate conversation elsewhere, ma'am. The content is embarrassing enough, but the fact that you are talking to your lhasa apso makes it into that slick and queasy middle ground between achingly pathetic and insane. My sensibilities are assaulted by the waft of what is surely loneliness beyond anything anyone should be exposed to and/or something that is hopefully only bordering on bestiality. One never really needs a reminder that getting old is horrifying. It kind of ruins the day.

Wisdom

The quote in your email signature has the direct opposite effect that you were hoping for. You are an irrelevant loser.

Feigned Indifference

It is important to me that you do not believe the lack of any outward sign that I noticed you inadvertently spitting on me during this conversation means that I didn't notice. It was duly and disdainfully noted. Filed away to be recalled if necessary. Let's not make this a habit, shall we?

Happy Hour

You reek of cheap whiskey at 8 in the morning. It somewhat offsets the suit and tie look you sport. If I was able to deduce your status as souse knowing you for all of about 20 minutes, don't you imagine your boss, the wife, and anyone with whom you have any interaction with knows? Not to pile on or anything. Considering you are obviously in the midst of a steep downward slide, you probably don't need to hear it from me. But just so you know, a thin stick of spearmint chewing gum provides no cover.