Miasma

It isn't that the cologne you choose is especially noxious -although it is that and more. It is that you choose to saturate yourself with it to a point that makes it waft over every living creature you come across choking out all other senses in an eye-watering attempt to get attention. Well, you have my attention with all the well-earned scorn that comes with it. Using an elevator after you is an unholy attack on the olfactory senses. Riding with you is an excrutiating nasal scouring that I only wish on my worst enemies.

Interpretation of Chat

When did occur to you that it is completely acceptable to talk about your dreams in public to anyone polite enough to inquire about you? There is nothing of interest in these tales filled with people from your childhood, whom we know nothing of as they speak in riddles that we could not decipher even if we could muster the energy to care. I suppose this should not be a shocking phenomenon considering you appear to feel the need to express every waking thought, so why not sleeping as well? And yes, I do think that particular dream means your gay. At least that's somewhat interesting.

Yes, I have heard that one

My issue with your off color jokes in the office does indeed have to do with the offensive nature as well as the inappropriate setting. Offensive due to the canned set-up and poor delivery. To describe this as humour is a mockery to all humour that has come before it. And not good mockery. And know that it is inappropriate to attempt these malformed witticisms in my presence. Most grade-school harlequins would be jeered out of any cafeteria with these joke facsimiles. Please return to your office to quietly age.

Walking Blues

You have no skill for foot travel, and that is telling. You have yet to evolve dexterity beyond what you showed as a toddler. You step blindly into the paths of oncoming travelers. You stop short for seemingly no reason. You shouldn't have to be told, but people have destinations and impediments like you just beset the way with irritation.

Melting Pot

With apologies to your ancient culture, the sound of your native tongue is inelegant to western ears. And when shrieked by old women at a decibel just below jackhammer level, the effect is quite startling.

Must we?

You can't or at least shouldn't believe that a close proximity implies a desire or willingness on my part to strike up a conversation. What most find uncomfortable in silence, I relish. Stifle your instincts. I implore you.

Vernacular

Your overuse of the term "Wild" to denote anything that is interesting in the slightest is a vain and sad attempt at aping today's youth. It sounds bizarre and makes everyone uneasy. This makes you seem more like a marginalized fogey hipster than perhaps you even are. I would mention something, but I fear that your exclamation is already known. Yes, wild indeed. You are a jackass.