Garb

While they are striking colors, you are far too old to wear your favorite sport team's jerseys out in public.It is obvious from your stature that you were never an athlete and your contribution to the team in question is nothing more than minor financial contributor.

Praise Be

There are many reasons that I am not overflowing with gratitude over the fawning compliment you paid my work. The main issue that comes to mind is that I have never and imagine that I will never respect your opinion. And not just because you are obviously mentally deficient. You are the pure essence of incompetence. Truly, can you conceive of any possible work that could strike you as anything less than magnificent when compared to your own output? I ask you seriously.

Put Off

I can't say that I think being a busboy is an easy occupation. Nor do I think it is highly sought after for social status and lofty compensation. Still, I believe you should re-prioritize deodorant as a purchase from the category of luxury to necessity. You are expected to deal directly with the public in an eatery. Your pungent aroma does nothing for the culinary aspects of this establishment.

Do Tell

There are fleeting and regrettable moments where I actually hear what you are saying as you speak. I comprehend what few words I absorb and immediately lose focus. It could be a defense mechanism to maintain a semblance of my own intelligence. You are a blithering moron, painful to speak to and excruciating to listen to. My mind drifts to breezy thoughts of early onset hearing loss and your painful demise.

Cheers

As you are obviously unable to hold your liquor, I do wonder why you insist on binge drinking in the mixed company of coworkers. You are merely creating fodder for water cooler scuttlebutt. It isn't that I held you in high regard before, but at this point you are merely a joke. Slur another off-color joke and spill your drink on the boss. It isn't like you have more self respect to lose.

Travel Companion

Your crazed stare makes us all a bit unsettled. No one is looking at you and no one is talking to you, no matter what you think. Please hold it together until at least the next stop.

No Thank You

I know that what I have done has enriched your life immensely. Your overwrought show of gratitude is unnecessary. It causes me nothing but embarrassed discomfort and lingering regret about my helpful actions. I won't consider if your little display is disingenuous mostly because I don't care. You are a simpering dimwit and your need for aid was no shock. No please muzzle yourself appropriately.