Smiley Faces

The fact that you pepper your email missives with punctuation designed to represent facial expressions is disturbing and shocking to see. Apparently, the actual meaning of your message cannot be discerned from the manner in which you write it. If what you write cannot be deemed humorous from the content of your words, it means you aren't funny. The tactic you take is childish. I am so put off that I am reconsidering having any affiliation with you. Making matters worse, I now have to doubt own judgement considering I would give out my email address to someone who would splatter textual caricatures across their writing. You've made me doubt myself. And that may be the biggest crime here. Note that I do not add any sort of wink to this statement. In case you are as ignorant as you are inarticulate.

An Eyeful

You've selected the clothes of a far less weighty woman, madame. Lycra-spandex running shorts and sports bra are bringing back harsh memories of my once-enjoyed luncheon. If I may be so bold, mu-mus can be quite fetching assuming the floral color pattern is selected with a keen eye. Leaving as much to the imagination would behoove all of us.

On the Nose

I'm quite sure that you are very self-conscious about the unsightly pimple that has sprouted upon your nose. I am also sure that someone staring at it as they speak to you will make you feel much worse about it. A justification for all your most pressing insecurities. And while I understand all that quite vividly, I can no easier avoid the pull to gawk at it than I could resist gravity itself. It grabs ones attention. Now scurry off in shame. You are rendered temporarily hideous.

Civic Spirit

Oh, by all means, feel free to cast your refuse into the street as you see fit. The sweltering heat, the fumes of backed up sewers, and the swarming mass of humanity choking the sidewalks are not bad enough. Why not go for the full third world feel? Wear your inconsideration on your sleeve. I am sure it would be back-breaking work to drift over three feet to find the nearest receptacle. And no one would want to put you out. On the rare occasion that I feel charitable towards my fellow man, I can rely on coming across something as foul and loathsome as you. It helps keep things in perspective.

Culinary Arts

Watching you eat is a spectacle of both sight and sound. Unearthly noises make up a symphony of the grotesque like the sound of freeing one's foot from a swampy morass. Your dribbling maw displays various portions of your meal as you appear lost in thought (which seems unlikely). How your dinner companion can remain sitting through the drizzle of food-speckled spittle without taking flight is amazing. How she continues to ingest her foie gras is astonishing. I am agog.

Sickening Fop

One assumes that you feel quite dignified carrying a monogrammed handkerchief, sir. You have arrived. Never let the fact that you carry around a not inexpensive rag filled with your mucous spoil your sense of self-worth.

Today's Parenting

It is impossible that you do not notice your rambunctious son running up and down the aisle. His screams alone would pierce the consciousness of anyone who is just short of comatose. There is not one person here who thinks anything but horrendous thoughts about you (and yours). And while I certainly don't think much of the boy himself, there is no way he deserves the whole blame. So continue to snap your gum and prattle on the cell phone. Adolescence can't come soon enough. May you reap the rewards from the seeds you have planted by ignoring discipline and staying so self-involved that you raised a hellion whose worst sins will be against dear old mom.