Party Hardly

There is no force on earth strong enough to allow for my attendance at your annual soiree. If I am interested in stilted conversation about nothing and hobnobbing with the hoi polloi, I will ride a bus or an elevator. Being a trapped audience to your meaningless ramblings with no refuge aside from offensive wine and insipid music is only slightly more appealing than open heart surgery. Please keep this in mind for next year's gala assuming no one murders you out of boredom at this one.

Angels with Dirty Faces

Be it cookies, magazines, or wrapping paper, anything you solicit for sale at the behest of your child is tantamount to blackmail. I would have to be a heartless scoundrel to deny your innocent cub anything. And maybe that is a fair portrayal, it isn't something I need to proclaim around the office. I will come across with this blood money, but let's call it what it is. Why mince words? At least this form is overly complicated.

Between You and Me

Your use of racial slurs in front of me is disturbing and offensive. Your comfort in this respect implies that you view me as a trustworthy confidant. To be confused as anything more than a begrudging acquaintance is a hideous crime against humanity. This mysterious leap of foolishness on your part needs to be corrected immediately.

Fantasy and Role Playing

Your blind faith in religion is indicative of someone lacking logical reasoning skills and independence. It is actually quite jarring to meet someone so willfully and blissfully ignorant. In some ways, you are to be envied even more than derided. Though the latter should be applied liberally and with prejudice.

The Company You Keep

Seeing that you brought along this friend shows you are confident that I get along with him. You have again made the assumption that it is with ease that your friends can tolerate each other. That your overly congenial nature is something we have in common. I must point out the error in your ways. The other friend in this equation, the one who is not me, is a humorless troglodyte whose company I would seek out just before that of a rabid orangutan. There is no transitive property of friendship. Perhaps you should reconsider with whom you spend your time before I do.

Backed Up

Your recent injuries caused by automobile accident are quite unfortunate. It has left us all woefully behind in terms of schedule in our travels. Here's a wish for your speedy recovery, but a speedier clearance from this congested byway.

Is There No Sanctuary?

Your ignorance of Men's room etiquette is troubling. More specifically, your urinal behavior is abysmal, creating discomfort for those around you. Always maintain a buffer of at least one urinal between you and your closest neighbor. Time at the urinal is not an opportunity to strike up a chat. Wild displays such as both hands behind your head in yawning stretch, shaking out excess moisture in a manner that would wow a veteran trick rope artist, and pushing out every bodily sound known to man should be forbidden. It is import for you to understand that you really shouldn't have to be told this. Do not discount the importance of feeling the appropriate level of shame.