Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Glad Tidings

Ah, the great congregation of the unwashed and illiterate. Celebrate dawning of new hope. Just do it far from me. Please use contraception.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Waiting

Kind waiter, I know you believe you know better, but I will select what I want to eat. Please go bully some tourists into having the cheese plate.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Trapped by Tourism

Why are you here clogging the streets of our fair city? The grand spectacle of the ball dropping is still days away. And yet, you mill about seemingly aimlessly. You hoot and holler making the dead of winter even more intolerable. Stupidity knows no bonds and cares nothing for dipping temperatures. One can only hope that the swarms of con artists swoop down and drink deep of the nectar you provide. Either that or natural disaster.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Misery and Company

Must you destroy every moment regardless of how mundane it is? There is no topic that you cannot spin into a tale of your own despair. I would test this theory, but I don't think that I can muster the strength. You have sapped me of all energy. How many major and minor tragedies have you suffered? How have you cataloged them all so well? You have such immediate recall of all your many and varied indignities. I would offer you a beverage, but I am sure you will spin a yarn of your childhood near-drowning. I would offer you something to eat, but I fear a close relative may have choked to an early death. You are all leaking roofs and deflated tires. You are missed opportunities and gloom on the horizon. I cannot even feel the thrill of superiority to your situation because you take all the air out of the room.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Driving Force

No, no, please don't let the fact that traffic is stopped dissuade you from attempting to move between lanes over and over again. It's not irritating at all. It isn't making matters worse. If for some reason, you can get through this situation forty to fifty seconds before the rest of us, it will all have been worth it.


Friday, December 26, 2008

Kanoodling

If you are going to insist on continuing to intertwine your tongues and caress each other so frantically, I will be forced to protest this display of prehistoric mating ritual in the only way I know how. When the projectile vomit hits you, you will know how disgusted I am and perhaps a level of queasiness will befall you in much the same way it has me. I, for one, will feel much better.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Askew View

It might be because I don't care to remember or know to the difference, but I have no idea if you have a false eye or just some sort of physical issue that forces one to react and track much different from the other. Either way, when talking to you, I have no idea which eye is the one to follow. Which one should one must devote attention to. I have to say that it is a bit of embarrassment that I don't need. If at all possible, our future dealings should be via telephone.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

The Other Side of Patronizing

I suppose it is your right to come up with alternative ideas and present them to me. I can't necessarily fault you for that. What does irk me is that the quality of the idea is antithetical to anything remotely resembling a workable solution. So as the arbiter of this process, I will need you to cease sulking when I completely write it off with a tart curtness that could be so much worse. If you were a more mature individual you may even see the kindness I am showing you just by being merely rude. It is time to give up your notions of adequacy and follow along with my instructions.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

In Need of Fresh Air

It has hit me with a clarity I can not provide a counter argument to. Your noxious breath has made the continuation of our friendship impossible. Obviously, social mores bar me from explaining myself with any clarity so please excuse whatever flimsy pretense I employee in order to provide a solid structure for dissolving this bond. The reason may not stand up to any sort of scrutiny, but it is best for us both if we approach this issue with a willful credulity.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Mismeasure of Man

Ma'am, regardless of your orientation, if you are going to pose as a man with your garb, hairstyle and mannerisms, you could at least choose one with a sense of style. Your outsized caricature of what you believe to be a male is disturbing to say the least. It is like some odd hybrid of trailer park biker meets a 70s sitcom handyman. And it wouldn't hurt to take off a few dozen pounds. Who knows what you are trying to attract, but unless it is unwanted stares, I am not sure you are hitting the mark.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Excuse Me?

I realize that it is considered rude for me to finish your sentences as you are clearly have a stuttering problem. But maybe you should show some understanding that as someone who is not patient, I can't really calmly sit by awaiting your next point. Am I to applaud you for wasting my time like so much spare spittle? I think not.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Cry of the Beholder

If you are going to listen to everything I say, more than likely you will at some point find yourself offended. And while it will be a fair observation that offense was intended, it really is up to you whether to take it that way or not. So you see, it's really your fault.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Grant Me the Strength

It galls me to have to thank you for correcting an obvious error. Is it too much to ask for the minimum? Is it too much to ask you to actually do what was requested initially. I believe it would require me to be a much different kind of person to forgive you for this sort of transgression. But please, if you cannot even perform simple tasks when requested, save the attitude about being asked to rectify the situation. And if my tone borders on patronizing mixed with a healthy dose of acrimony, I have to hope you can understand. It is much less understanding than you are expecting of me. Although comprehension does seem to be in short supply.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Wisdom

By virtue of being younger, let me assure you that you are dumber. I don't know when this became clear to me, but you seem to lack a certain level of referential information that would enable you to interact with those around you. It seems that it would be in your best interest to remain silent.


Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Do Tell

You seem to be under some misperception that I do not understand your predicament. You keep muttering that I have some sort of block. As if I wouldn't be able to discern the minor dramas that seem plaque your life. It is not euclidean geometry. I most certainly ascertain the situation, but what you have confused as ignorance is actually undisguised apathy. Perhaps if you weren't so caught up in yourself, you might have noticed.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Cold and Wet

The first snow should not cause you to lapse into fits of euphoria or to wax poetic regarding the beauty of nature. It is nothing to lose your composure over. It is at best an inconvenience of layered clothing, slippery surfaces, and slush. You are not in the school yard. Anything short of a catastrophic blizzard and you will find yourself somewhat hindered but still expected at the workplace.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Breaking Away

I'm sure that you are mired in the misery surrounding the termination of your latest relationship. And while it may be easy to submerge one's self in the fetid waters of self pity, maybe you should take heart knowing that this brings others unabashed joy. No one will miss that ill-tempered shrew who kept you henpecked and emasculated. We rejoice and look forward to the return of your previous self. Great tidings.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

It is the Season

While it may seem cliche, I have to point out that I can't abide by the spirit of the holidays. I think it is my extreme dislike of artifice and selective goodwill. So please save your best wishes for someone who wants them. I'm not sure what yours are worth as it is.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Greetings and Salutations of the Lame

Can we forgo your custom of intricate and ill-executed handshakes? Accept that you are ethnically challenged. I know you have a penchant for this sort of thing, but perhaps it is time to accept that you are older and less current than you think. This is nothing more than an awkward attempt to maintain something you really never were.


Friday, December 12, 2008

Tis the Season

I guess it is not enough that it is cold and harsh. I have to be subjected to aimless shoppers roaming the city. Moving slowly, taking up space, and swinging bags that can clip the thigh of anyone attempting to get passed. And those attempts are frequent due to inexplicable stopping and direction changes to make the most blind drunk seem predictable. They hit these sidewalks in teeming masses making sure that what was not bad enough surely is now.


Thursday, December 11, 2008

Uncalled for Chemical Assault

Oh, absolutely not. You will not sit next to me chewing with an open mouth some sort of fetid meat concoction brought up from the bowels of the city served to you out of greasy water. The spectacle you present is unsettling. I must flee before the odiferous fumes settle around me like a cloud of gas stifling and choking in it's foulness.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Without Power There is Little Responsibility

Reading a comic book is at best an activity only to be done bathed in the sickly light of a bare bulb swinging from your parents' basement. Public displays of comic book readership are rightly shunned. True, it tells the world you are comfortable in your pale and clammy skin, but it also belies the fact that you have surrendered the last shred of your ego. You've lost hope and rediscovered a lost youth that probably was no more a happy time than this one. Obliviate yourself with garish colors and sub-soap opera story lines. Tell those around you (especially the women) that you are not interested in joining them. You would shout this from the rooftops if you ever found yourself outside.


Tuesday, December 9, 2008

No One Asked You

No, please, I am so interested in your minor and inconsequential critique. Please don't let the fact that you add nothing else to this process in any way prevent you from putting in your worthless and irritating comment. Perhaps if you had a shred of talent or an ounce of ambition, I could possibly even consider what you had to say. When you have left this place and no one notices, you will probably just feel that most lack observational abilities, and that they never could appreciate all that you brought to a situation. But I noticed. And I will never forget. You are a blight.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Gross Malfeasance

Your show of bringing reading material to the office restroom is an affront to your co-workers. Although defecation is a necessity to all, choosing such a brazen display shows you as a shameless goldbrick wallowing in your own putrid essence all the while eating into company time. You are vile.


Sunday, December 7, 2008

Where Will I Summon The Strength

The massive failures that make up your life's endeavors has made conversation difficult. There are so very many topics to dance around, I can hardly keep them straight. This is something you should think about. I realize this shortcoming is merely a rung on a long ladder into despair, but it may be the one that affects the most influence.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Can I Help You?

It is clear you have come to some sort of crossroads in your life. You apparently need to unburden yourself of this heavy psychic weight. Let me encourage you to seek someone else for emotional guidance. Not only am I ill equipped to care about you, but at best, my advice would be a thinly veiled directive to make matters worse. You see, I resent having my time destroyed by profound matters of the heart. Especially when they come from you. Be a man. Go take solace in the sudsy foam of a beer. Bask in your misery. But do it quietly. I implore you.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Omissions

My signature does not grace your card, dear coworker. Please note that this is quite intentional. I have no regard for you or whatever your ailment, pregnancy or departure may entail. The mere thought of working up the energy to show any sort of recognition exhausts me. I believe my ignorance of your existence is the very best I can offer. You're welcome.



Thursday, December 4, 2008

Speak Volumes

You'll have to forgive me. I know you were standing their talking. Your jaw was moving as you emitted sounds that presumably were words. I wouldn't know because for the life of me, I have no idea what you could possibly have been saying. I only know two things: you were saying a lot, and it couldn't have been that important. The latter was derived from the fact that it was you talking. You are a droning officious dufus. I assume you are conditioned not be to sensitive about this kind of treatment.


Wednesday, December 3, 2008

On the Road

Feel free to swing your car door open into heavy traffic. As long as you are going to be fine with me ripping your door and possibly your arm off, I can't complain too much. I won't be able to forgive you for scratching the finish on my paint nor inevitable insurance premium issues, but there will be some solace I suppose.


Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Muzzle

If you are going to co-commute, please handle all your snippy spousal conversations before you leave the house. Others should not have to listen to you two debate the news of the day just because you share the Times. It is embarrassing and most of all irritating. You grow tired of these conversations, and it is completely understandable. You are both morons.


Monday, December 1, 2008

The Desultory Nature of Wasted Time

It is high time someone had the wherewithal you tell you that your hobbies and, more to the point, your devotion to them make everyone around you uncomfortable. No one cares about the esoteric nature of the nomenclature nor the historic significance of said hobbies. You are a grown man saturated with the trappings of childhood whimsy. The very least you could do is keep it very quiet. Limit the amount of embarrassment those around you must suffer.