Monday, June 30, 2008

Arriving is Such Sweet Sorrow

Ah eastern European tourist, feel free to clog the various coffee shops, the restaurants, and of course the sidewalks of this fair city. Jabber incoherently in your vacation wonderland. Pay no mind to the standard of personal hygiene that we cling to here. Waft your Teutonic musk over us with no regard for olfactory standards. Keep your jean shorts and your sleeveless t-shirts tight. Socks shall be pulled high and large sunglasses ensconced in product-stiffened hair. Blow your tobacco fumes into our faces until your finely sculpted half-beards are stained even more yellow. Consult your maps on only the busiest of street corners. Please, I am in no hurry. Let's make sure your stay is the most important thing to happen to this fine country since it's role in liberating yours from fascism. Perhaps that decision was not as well conceived as we the people believe.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Left Feet

Yes, I did see you stumble, barely maintaining balance, arms and legs flailing. I took note and you should be sufficiently embarrassed. Let's be clear, no matter how detailed your inspection, you will uncover no hidden bump, no unannounced crack. You just lack dexterity.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Political Agitation

I am surprised that you feel it appropriate to air your near-fanatical political views in common conversation. I am slightly less surprised at the disturbing content than your obvious belief that I am a tolerant audience. Sure, I am gratified that my instincts about you were correct, but that does not outweigh the immense stress it puts on me to deal with one so very ignorant.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Commute of Love

Your spousal commute is irksome. The harried search for two empty adjacent seats shows you for the self-centered and insecure couple you are. Other people, blessedly keeping to themselves, have to be disturbed as they are requested to shift seats after loud deliberations about where to go and whom to ask. I'm quite sure the both of you could use a twenty minute break from your coupling. These few moments of dealing with you just in my periphery have seemed interminable.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Snapshots

I agree that New York City is a picturesque marvel of architectural splendor. With that understanding, I still must vehemently object to your insistence on snapping photos at every freestanding structure you come across. Instead of filming and documenting each square inch of your vacation habitat, why not try the age old method of looking at things and experiencing them? How about the novel approach of actually remembering and savoring what you see instead of clogging the sidewalks to capture just the precise moment that drunk seizes your wife's buttocks?

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Finest

Your short stature and rotund physique do nothing to engender confidence in your abilities as a police officer. I would not question your powers of protection, if we were talking about your dinner plate where surely no one shall trespass. While you are on patrol, we shall all sleep lightly as we clutch our belongings and loved ones.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Clown

Your brimming confidence regarding your work performance is greatly misguided. Incomprehensible ideas that you conjure are bellowed aloud without the slightest consideration. Your asides, supposedly made to shed light on a particular subject merely occlude the point with meaningless blatherings. You are considered a fool by all those who work in your general proximity. The best you can hope for is to be ignored. I suggest you staple shut that slack jaw and avoid all contact with others as best you can, post haste.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Linguistics

When you speak to a co-worker in front me in a foreign language, I immediately assume it is some derision at my expense. Since I allot the normal amount of disdain towards you based on this assumption, you may as well speak plainly. And for me, it isn't a stretch to dislike and distrust you based on just being someone I don't know, but for the general public, muttering and sneering in your native tongue is not the best method to create goodwill.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Tragic Relief

It is unfortunate that you are so easily amused considering the horrendous screeching cackle that apparently is your laugh. Canines tilt there heads in pain, birds fall out of the sky, and babies settled in for well-earned naps come awake screaming in fear whenever something strikes you as humorous. You are unfiltered hell at a dinner party. When I see you approaching, I dredge up stories of premature deaths, and arguments on the validity of Congressional wheat subsidies. I bring melted beeswax to fill my aural canal should you overhear even the most tepid limerick. Here's wishing you clinical depression.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Distance Makes Good Neighbors

Upstairs neighbor, if I could tolerate your presence in the least, I would let you know the true extent of my annoyance. Your footfalls are elephantine, you play the television at a level for the hearing impaired, your domestic disputes are robust and habitual. I am considering opening up the gas jets on the stove and leaving town for a few weeks. I understand Nantucket is nice.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Alms

I have a hard time mustering up much sympathy for your predicament. Sure, you are homeless and as your hand scrawled sign mentions that you need money for sustenance. Though you mention food and the like, one must assume what you need to sustain is something far more pressing. You look the part with the patina of grime and unkempt appearance, but you are a Caucasian man in his mid-twenties. Basically, society was created for you. All obstacles you face are self-created. You face neither the glass ceiling of sexism nor institutionalized racism. With basically a clear path to a normal average existence virtually guaranteed where you could fill your evenings with alcoholism and recreational drug use fairly unfettered, you ended up here. I am not saying that you brought this on yourself and you deserve it. But I am not contradicting that idea either.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Sales Force

While we all understand that your product and/or services are more than likely substandard, your slipshod sales technique does nothing to enhance the possibility of purchase. Stuttering through a flopsweat and oozing pure desperation is not doing much to create a groundswell of demand. Our jaws ache from gaping, drawn-out yawns. I may weep from sheer boredom. Your discomfort is the only thing at all interesting about this.



Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Party Hardly

There is no force on earth strong enough to allow for my attendance at your annual soiree. If I am interested in stilted conversation about nothing and hobnobbing with the hoi polloi, I will ride a bus or an elevator. Being a trapped audience to your meaningless ramblings with no refuge aside from offensive wine and insipid music is only slightly more appealing than open heart surgery. Please keep this in mind for next year's gala assuming no one murders you out of boredom at this one.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Angels with Dirty Faces

Be it cookies, magazines, or wrapping paper, anything you solicit for sale at the behest of your child is tantamount to blackmail. I would have to be a heartless scoundrel to deny your innocent cub anything. And maybe that is a fair portrayal, it isn't something I need to proclaim around the office. I will come across with this blood money, but let's call it what it is. Why mince words? At least this form is overly complicated.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Between You and Me

Your use of racial slurs in front of me is disturbing and offensive. Your comfort in this respect implies that you view me as a trustworthy confidant. To be confused as anything more than a begrudging acquaintance is a hideous crime against humanity. This mysterious leap of foolishness on your part needs to be corrected immediately.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Fantasy and Role Playing

Your blind faith in religion is indicative of someone lacking logical reasoning skills and independence. It is actually quite jarring to meet someone so willfully and blissfully ignorant. In some ways, you are to be envied even more than derided. Though the latter should be applied liberally and with prejudice.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

The Company You Keep

Seeing that you brought along this friend shows you are confident that I get along with him. You have again made the assumption that it is with ease that your friends can tolerate each other. That your overly congenial nature is something we have in common. I must point out the error in your ways. The other friend in this equation, the one who is not me, is a humorless troglodyte whose company I would seek out just before that of a rabid orangutan. There is no transitive property of friendship. Perhaps you should reconsider with whom you spend your time before I do.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Backed Up

Your recent injuries caused by automobile accident are quite unfortunate. It has left us all woefully behind in terms of schedule in our travels. Here's a wish for your speedy recovery, but a speedier clearance from this congested byway.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Is There No Sanctuary?

Your ignorance of Men's room etiquette is troubling. More specifically, your urinal behavior is abysmal, creating discomfort for those around you. Always maintain a buffer of at least one urinal between you and your closest neighbor. Time at the urinal is not an opportunity to strike up a chat. Wild displays such as both hands behind your head in yawning stretch, shaking out excess moisture in a manner that would wow a veteran trick rope artist, and pushing out every bodily sound known to man should be forbidden. It is import for you to understand that you really shouldn't have to be told this. Do not discount the importance of feeling the appropriate level of shame.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Smiley Faces

The fact that you pepper your email missives with punctuation designed to represent facial expressions is disturbing and shocking to see. Apparently, the actual meaning of your message cannot be discerned from the manner in which you write it. If what you write cannot be deemed humorous from the content of your words, it means you aren't funny. The tactic you take is childish. I am so put off that I am reconsidering having any affiliation with you. Making matters worse, I now have to doubt own judgement considering I would give out my email address to someone who would splatter textual caricatures across their writing. You've made me doubt myself. And that may be the biggest crime here. Note that I do not add any sort of wink to this statement. In case you are as ignorant as you are inarticulate.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

An Eyeful

You've selected the clothes of a far less weighty woman, madame. Lycra-spandex running shorts and sports bra are bringing back harsh memories of my once-enjoyed luncheon. If I may be so bold, mu-mus can be quite fetching assuming the floral color pattern is selected with a keen eye. Leaving as much to the imagination would behoove all of us.

Monday, June 9, 2008

On the Nose

I'm quite sure that you are very self-conscious about the unsightly pimple that has sprouted upon your nose. I am also sure that someone staring at it as they speak to you will make you feel much worse about it. A justification for all your most pressing insecurities. And while I understand all that quite vividly, I can no easier avoid the pull to gawk at it than I could resist gravity itself. It grabs ones attention. Now scurry off in shame. You are rendered temporarily hideous.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Civic Spirit

Oh, by all means, feel free to cast your refuse into the street as you see fit. The sweltering heat, the fumes of backed up sewers, and the swarming mass of humanity choking the sidewalks are not bad enough. Why not go for the full third world feel? Wear your inconsideration on your sleeve. I am sure it would be back-breaking work to drift over three feet to find the nearest receptacle. And no one would want to put you out. On the rare occasion that I feel charitable towards my fellow man, I can rely on coming across something as foul and loathsome as you. It helps keep things in perspective.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Culinary Arts

Watching you eat is a spectacle of both sight and sound. Unearthly noises make up a symphony of the grotesque like the sound of freeing one's foot from a swampy morass. Your dribbling maw displays various portions of your meal as you appear lost in thought (which seems unlikely). How your dinner companion can remain sitting through the drizzle of food-speckled spittle without taking flight is amazing. How she continues to ingest her foie gras is astonishing. I am agog.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Sickening Fop

One assumes that you feel quite dignified carrying a monogrammed handkerchief, sir. You have arrived. Never let the fact that you carry around a not inexpensive rag filled with your mucous spoil your sense of self-worth.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Today's Parenting

It is impossible that you do not notice your rambunctious son running up and down the aisle. His screams alone would pierce the consciousness of anyone who is just short of comatose. There is not one person here who thinks anything but horrendous thoughts about you (and yours). And while I certainly don't think much of the boy himself, there is no way he deserves the whole blame. So continue to snap your gum and prattle on the cell phone. Adolescence can't come soon enough. May you reap the rewards from the seeds you have planted by ignoring discipline and staying so self-involved that you raised a hellion whose worst sins will be against dear old mom.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Garb

While they are striking colors, you are far too old to wear your favorite sport team's jerseys out in public.It is obvious from your stature that you were never an athlete and your contribution to the team in question is nothing more than minor financial contributor.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Praise Be

There are many reasons that I am not overflowing with gratitude over the fawning compliment you paid my work. The main issue that comes to mind is that I have never and imagine that I will never respect your opinion. And not just because you are obviously mentally deficient. You are the pure essence of incompetence. Truly, can you conceive of any possible work that could strike you as anything less than magnificent when compared to your own output? I ask you seriously.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Put Off

I can't say that I think being a busboy is an easy occupation. Nor do I think it is highly sought after for social status and lofty compensation. Still, I believe you should re-prioritize deodorant as a purchase from the category of luxury to necessity. You are expected to deal directly with the public in an eatery. Your pungent aroma does nothing for the culinary aspects of this establishment.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Do Tell

There are fleeting and regrettable moments where I actually hear what you are saying as you speak. I comprehend what few words I absorb and immediately lose focus. It could be a defense mechanism to maintain a semblance of my own intelligence. You are a blithering moron, painful to speak to and excruciating to listen to. My mind drifts to breezy thoughts of early onset hearing loss and your painful demise.