Misunderstandings

It worries me to think that you may have possibly taken what I said as an innocuous, or worse, a flattering comment. I fear my derision may have been too heavily coated with sarcasm for your limited mental capacity. The thought that being unnaturally dense may insulate you from well-timed and succinctly stated insults has me reconsidering my whole strategy. Your type of idiocy obliges a ham-fisted approach.

Driving Force

I'm unclear as to what authority gave you permission to operate a motor vehicle, but it was a short sighted decision. You are a menace to the road and to society. No one is safe with you on the streets. I implore you to invest in a public transit pass or a debilitating illness.

Snivelling Backstabbing Coward

You are a bootlick of the lowest order. If ever you get a chance to remove your lips from the boss's posterior, maybe you could actually make an effort towards competency. You would find that being a sychopantic simpering gofer is all too much wasted effort. If you expended half the energy it takes to flatter the person you are working for and just actually put it towards your given profession, you might actually be respected for what you do.

Walker Text Ranger

Texting seems like a fine alternative to filling the air with ridiculous cellphone conversations. But one thing can be said for the rude yapper on the streets is that they can at least traverse the pedestrian byways without impeding those around him. You, sporting that classic texters hunched posture are nothing but an obstacle to get around. There is no doubt that your missive filled with abbreviations and punctuation faces has no bearing on anything in this world. It is only slightly more worthless than your existence. A state of being threatened as you step into busy crosswalks.

Uncomfortable Spectacle

I'm afraid you are too old to dye your hair in outrageous neon hues, ma'am. Perhaps you are clinging to some notion of youth. Maybe you hold dear to your heart some sort of artistic movement of the mid-to-late twentieth century. You are such a wild individualist that normal convention(from 40 years ago) can not restrain you. That may be the style you are looking for, but the effect is more of a pitiable kook.

Good Luck, Friend

You seem puzzled and perplexed regarding your repeated attempts to set you sister up with possible romantic leads. You have worked through your friends, acquaintances, and even your office. I realize no one will tell you this, but the main issue is that she is homely. Not necessarily some sort of beastly, cyst-covered ogre, but more plain and uninteresting. Also, have you had her IQ tested? I am concerned.

Sensitive Soul

You seem to pick and choose, seemingly at random, what it is that you find humorous and what you take offense to. This will be a major obstacle for any kind of friendship. I am not quite clear on how to assure you that it is indeed you who will need to change.

Expecting the Unexpected

Unmarried and pregnant, I see you every day at the office. I know it is a subject to avoid, but it is asking a lot of me to do so.

A Good Meal Spoiled

Seeing your lover's quarrel here in this restaurant is distasteful and jarring. I have no doubts that spending even a half an hour or so with either of you would be unbearable. Really though, is it this exact moment that you've come to this conclusion? Had you no hint at this dissatisfaction? No one wants this glimpse of your personal ring of Hell. So let's try something novel shall we? Think of others for once and quietly pay your tab, taking your leave for a screaming match in your car. If not, you may need to be forcibly removed. And just a note, whispering at a high and nasty volume is not whispering.

On Foot

Fine Asian businessman, I note that in keeping with some sort of misguided cultural convention, you have decided to doff your shoes on your commute.You place your stockinged feet on the seat across from you. This leaves me unhinged. No one wants your disgusting feet out on display and rubbed into a sitting area they may someday use. And yes, feet are disgusting, even your small and unobtrusive pair. Traditionally feet are rightly kept wrapped in socks and a layer of leather. They are meant to be stored and not seen. Preferably hidden away under your seat.

Hair Play

Sir, the time and energy you exert on your hair is an affront to masculinity. You obviously have too much time to style, tease, and coax your coif into submission. You toil until you have reached some sort of boy band fauxhawk perfection. You sport an oil slick of salon products that show a ghastly sheen and emit a miasma of treacly olfactory horror. And can you not see how awful you look? One assumes the mirror is a major part of your morning routine. Foppish

Annexation

I can't say what it is about me that would attract someone of your girth to sit next to me on this train, ma'am. Perhaps I have a lingering air of tasty snacks. Or maybe I appear to be less judgmental than many of those who cast shocked glances in your direction. But that appearance is deceptive. My thoughts are not good, and that enmity is compounded by the intense warmth from your ample thigh and landslide of blubber clinging to what we must assume is your long-thought lost ribcage.

Accidental Eavesdropper

When I tell you that I couldn't help but overhear your conversation, I truly mean it. Would it were that I could have avoided listening to your unceasing talk filled with inaccuracies and ignorance, I sincerely would have. For now, all of us who were within earshot are that much the worse for it.


Accidental Eavesdropper

Childish

Oh yes, please go on about your children. I don't know them. But I know you. And I feel for them.

Floor by Floor

I was under the obviously erroneous impression that any conversation with a stranger in the elevator would be limited under the category of chit chat or small talk. Preferably brief and hopefully to be kept to nothing more profound than the weather or offhand remarks on the market. Please understand that this concession was made under duress. The optimum condition for a ride in the elevator is complete silence. So as you begin your prattle, you may note my icy glare and stone countenance. You are fortunate to get off so lightly.

Neighbors

Old and wrinkled crone, your withering and watery glance cannot deter me from taking the seat next to you on this train. Your years have afforded you no additional deference from me, and although I can understand your consternation, I can't bring myself to care. You don't see me complaining about your vaguely medicinal air or your scary veined hands easily remembered from some childhood nightmare reaching from the grave. I think that's rather big of me.

What's In a Name

I'm afraid that I have resorted to pronouns because I have forgotten your name. It is embarrassing for you that we have met many times, and obviously you did not make any sort of impression. At least, not in any meaningful way. I haven't retained any sort of information about you aside from the fact that I have seen you before. I can't help but feel resentful that you would put me in such an awkward situation.

Drag

Sir, the gargantuan wheeled bag you tote clumsily behind you is an effeminate sidewalk obstacle. You are an irksome impediment and nothing more.

Naming Names

It is with no small effort that I swallow down the rising bile generated from hearing you drop the names of famous people you have some tenuous connection to. A hollywood producer married to a third cousin, a sports figure you harass at the local deli, or a character actor in your screenplay writing workshop can tangentially be referred to in almost any conversation. And you test this theory liberally. You've created an unending litany of coma-inducing conversation. Will there ever be a time that someone will reference meeting you to their friends, boring them to tears? It brings me no pleasure to know there won't.

Pattern

The thing about dating women from only one race outside of your own is that it goes from coincidence to prediliction. These ladies are hard to discern from each other and it is exceedingly difficult to keep their names straight. Frankly, this sort of overt expression of psychological preference is creepy.

Employment

I see that you are proud and pleased with your new job, but I think you'd ought to know that it is more than likely a flim flam game meant to trap recent and desperate college graduates. Those with family money are preferable.

Agressive Agressive

Unhelpful coworker, I can't help but see through your attempts to undermine my confidence. It is not trying your hand at the impossible that irks me, more that you would think for a minute that I could respect you enough to be anything more than ambivalent about anything you might utter. Maybe you should go back to picking on underlings and the mail room staff. That's more your speed.

Seriously?

Let's all avoid casting aspersions when we have sinned, shall we? You tend towards the self-righteous when in fact, you are actually nothing more than a self-loathing lunatic who tries to cover their own shortcomings by attacking others. Perhaps you should take a long look at your own life before passing judgment on others. Or at least, consider this idea when holding your tongue.

No Vacancy

Unfortunately, we must remain friends of a friend. This is obvious as I do not tolerate you well without the catalyst of my actual friend's presence. He sees something in you that I cannot. This may be my own issue or my own fault, but I don't think so.

Unskilled Labor

You are painfully slow on the uptake and cannot be trusted to carry out simple tasks. The workplace is hectic enough when you avoid your job, but what you do take on is done poorly. Correcting your errors only adds to the mess. Perhaps you should call in sick for the foreseeable future.

Mirror Mirror

I can't, from this angle, fully pass judgment on your aesthetic qualities, miss. But you seem to be quite fixated on the subject yourself. At every storefront on this jaunt, you have given over a not-so-brief glance at your appearance in the plate glass windows. Adjusting your hair, straightening a pleat, checking for any and all imperfections. It's actually a significant accomplishment that you avoid walking into anything or anyone as you are so consumed with yourself. I believe you hurdled a homeless gentleman to keep your eye on the alignment of your eyebrows. There is poetry of motion on these streets.

Bon Voyage

You departure from this workplace was hotly anticipated. The teary farewells were masks obscuring joy. If I were to try to conjure up any tears, it would be out of sympathy for the poor bastards you are going to take up with. They know not what they are getting themselves into. Of course, that would require having a shred of empathy for those inept enough to make the colossal mistake of hiring you. Not something with which I am currently handicapped.

Gaping Maw

You yawn reveals things about you and the inside of your mouth that I do not think you would like to publicize. I am stricken.

Bleary Traveler

Ah, bummy old man, what is it you see in me that invites conversation? Is it my cold glare? My silence? My inner desire for solitude? Your alcohol saturation? I can't really be expected to decipher your query or even get over my intense loathing. You would do better with the small Asian woman or perhaps I could suggest a nap?

Husbandry

It is with a good dose of incredulity that I listen to you wax prolific on the immense joys of parenthood. Apparently, achieving your biological imperative has filled you with pride and satisfaction that comes with knowing a mission is complete. A the same time, it is hard to miss the navy bags anchoring down your eye sockets, the unkempt clothes, and the ratty hair that tell a different tale. It all speaks of deprivation, pain, and possibly regret. Perhaps it is better to defer some dreams in order to keep sleep uninterrupted. And possibly some responsibilities can wear too heavily not only mentally, but physically. Although I would never utter a syllable of that sentiment to you, oh proud one.

Rest for the Weary

Rest tight, sleepy head. The work day and your commuter beers have sapped what strength you managed to muster today. Don't concern yourself that you snore and drool in public. One must assume you have no shame, which helps in this situation. But I may also venture the assumption that you probably would have preferred getting off at your selected destination rather than continue to slumber undisturbed. Your commute is getting complicated and more than likely expensive. Sweet dreams.