This Is All Quite Horrible Enough As It Is

Let us endeavor to stop giving out "high fives" in the office. If this is some motivational tool that you read about, it is misguided. We are now driven to never slap palms with arms aloft in fake celebratory zeal. We intentionally scuttle our menial office-based tasks for fear that we must with head down, hand extended limply "up high" allow you to slap awkwardly with clammy debasement. Lest we move the operation to the local sports watering hole where we can spill pale domestic pilsner on our keyboards among the hooting and hollering rabble, I must insist you cease this practice immediately. Either out of common decency or your hotly-anticipated demise.