Saints Preserve Us

The religious gewgaws that litter your office make people wary and uncomfortable. No one speaks freely in front of you lest they offend your sensibility and possibly a higher power. Bringing your piousness into this bastion of secular culture will provide you with a greater reward in the afterlife, I suppose. The drawback is making your coworkers believe you are self-righteous and judgmental. Whether this is your aim or not, the whole thing is off putting at the least, and frankly offensive at worst. While on the subject, the fetus key chain is a bit much.

Storms Abound

Why of course, I don't mind you dripping from your billowing poncho onto my reading material. And an umbrella point to the eye is the exact wake-me-up I needed to start my day. Your rightful fear of precipitation has you outfitted in prophylactic gear to put an Alaskan fisherman to shame. One must cast off annoyances such as the outdated notion of common courtesy. Water can create rampant dampness which may lead to being slightly uncomfortable for a few moments. What is the inconvenience of others when compared to self preservation at all costs? I ask you, would I have any right to complain?

Beauty

While I can admit that making up your face on a moving train is certainly more of a skill than anything else, I don't have to like it. This is not your powder room. The seat next to you is crowded with your satchels and shopping bags. Your myriad mascaras, foundations and and the like overflow out of your make-up valise in a salute to artifice revealed. The mystery is gone. It was not only that you are 15 years older than you want to be, but that you have no regard for other people. After the masterpiece is complete, you celebrate not lancing your cornea with the eyeliner pencil by immersing yourself in sudoku and text messages. The thin smell of cosmetics linger as does my disdain.

How Do I Put This Delicately?

Kind, hardworking, immigrant soul, I hate to say it, but the odoriferous fumes rising from your person cloud our every interaction. In order to finalize your assimilation into this melting pot of ours, I must insist on daily bathing and at least a modicum of deodorant. Someone had to say it. No one will tell you this. You're welcome.

Getting to Know

Please do not confuse smalltalk for a private confidential chat. Your comfort level should be much lower than it apparently is. I should live in orgasmic ignorance of what brand of anti-depressant you take, your struggles with infertility, and your baseless political worldview. Recognizing boundaries is one of the first steps in social development. Good luck with that.

Lesbian Affirmation

Your struggle to not ogle that girls bosom is poorly executed. Inducing whiplash as your head spins to catch a glimpse of another young lady in tight pants does nothing to validate your heterosexuality. It impresses no one. We will not be highfiving, I assure you. By all rights you should be neutered.

Hoi Polloi

Thank you for visiting New York City. I hope you enjoy your stay. I wish I could. You wander slowly in the streets, gawking and yammering in your native tongue, making it virtually impossible to walk anywhere. One can hardly avoid what once was just a latent feeling of distrust of Europeans turning into a full-blown bout of xenophobia. Someday the dollar will return to prominence and maybe I can tour your town while you try to work. I can drunkenly blow smoke on you, take odd pictures of virtually everything, vomit merrily upon your quaint cobblestones wearing my finest "I heart Prague" pastel t-shirt, all the while under tipping and driving the price of a sandwich to well above market value.

Public Display

There is no reason that you have to eat a banana in public. Please stop. Especially you, sir. It is horrible. We all squirm with discomfort.

What's Important

Though quite attractive, I am afraid that your girlfriend is a complete bore. She has not a shred of humor. Her very ill-informed nature does nothing to dissuade her from filling the air with her views. One would rather hear the sound of an icepick in their own eardrum than her take on the current state of politics. Please refrain from calling me until this relationship finally runs its course. I will thank you.

Ah, Kind Humorist

Thankfully, your laughing signaled me that your joke was over. I could
then move on with my day.

Neighbors

You are far too corpulent to sit next to me during this train ride. There are any number of small, Asian women you can cram against their window with the quivering mass of your ribmeat. I am a man of normal size and proportions and therefore you should make ready for a duel where the bone of my elbow (yes, fair lady, one should note the hard feel of bone in one's elbow) meets anyone's guess on your person. Your dicomfort is of minor consolation. The sick warmth of your mass against the entirety of my left side will earn you a sigh, a cross look, and hopefully a large place in the bowels of hell. May I suggest you run home next time, oh blubbery vixen of goo. You appear to be sculpted from mashed potatos and the sheer repugnancy of your person means your presence on this train will not be missed. Fingers of sausage, palms of London Broil, thighs comprised of acres of Jello, BEGONE!

Touching Reminders of Home

The pictures of your kids in your office does nothing to humanize you. Or maybe it does, but that is outweighed by the overwhelming despair generated by the idea that these innocent cherubs are being raised by someone I can say at best is a monster. And by the way, your kids are not attractive.

Just Occurred to Me

Your daddy issues are showing. And to be honest, it is unbecoming.

Overheard in New York

I wish I could be beyond letting your loud cellphone conversation concerning your sister's affair with a married man who gave her herpes bother me. It seems so common to whine about inconsiderate people on their cellular telephones. But really, I have never felt more of a brotherhood with my fellow man as we wallow in loathing for you and yours.

One Can Never Be Too Liberal With Bias

Racism is too compartmentalizing. Too confining. If one must limit one's own misanthropy as such, it really just shows a lack of vision.

Deafness Can Be Underrated

A pox on you, foul whistler! The more intricate your musical composition, the prouder you appear. You blissfully subject us to the piercing screech of your exhalations. I wish for sudden arid conditions to rob you of the moisture so necessary for this hideous tune. Barring that change in climate, a well-timed crosstown bus will suffice. Oh rid us of this foul aural pestilence.

Harmony

This, of course, will come as surprise, but your favorite band sucks now. It's questionable that they were ever good, but rest assured that they suck now. Maybe your blind loyalty is from some misguided notion that loyalty reveals you as a good person since you are loyal to something. To anything really. Well, it's not true. If anything, I am more disgusted with you because that is stupid. Maybe you are just tasteless. I can accept this. If you are just nostalgic, you are creepy and you have a sense of personal style that shows how very self-conscious you actually are. You are getting older. You will die. Persisting that the band you loved when you were young is still relevant just to show that you are still relevant and thereby still young is pathetic. They are unlistenable, as are you.

This Is All Quite Horrible Enough As It Is

Let us endeavor to stop giving out "high fives" in the office. If this is some motivational tool that you read about, it is misguided. We are now driven to never slap palms with arms aloft in fake celebratory zeal. We intentionally scuttle our menial office-based tasks for fear that we must with head down, hand extended limply "up high" allow you to slap awkwardly with clammy debasement. Lest we move the operation to the local sports watering hole where we can spill pale domestic pilsner on our keyboards among the hooting and hollering rabble, I must insist you cease this practice immediately. Either out of common decency or your hotly-anticipated demise.

Something is off

Your handicap makes me uncomfortable. This says something about me. I know. But more about you.

You Aren't Fooling Anyone (really)

You are bad at what you do. And eventually they will figure it out. Maybe not now, but soon. And you could try to change, but why bother? You may be further along than you thought and no way you can change with so little time. And don't discount the possibility that you are too dumb to do anything about it and it is that ignorance which may also be the root of your crappy performance. Or maybe laziness is the issue, and you would need motivation to change that. See: the laziness issue as to why that ain't happening. You've coasted as long as you could have hoped for. Longer than we all thought possible. Really, ironically, that's something of an accomplishment.