My Kingdom for a Tarp

Yes, I realize it is finally somewhat warm. You waited impatiently for the foul winter to release us all from it's choke hold. Why? Apparently, so you could walk the streets shirtless. I must insist that you immediately become clad. Perhaps, in a bygone era, you were the Adonis of your imagination. Decades and dozens of pounds have not done you justice. Copious abdominal hair matted with perspiration does not enhance the aesthetic. Cursedly, the womenfolk of our fine nation adhere to a guideline to always cover up with some modicum of clothing. Can we not all agree to this unspoken covenant? How can I implore you to remove that t-shirt from your straining waistband and pull it over this mass of jiggling pallid torso? Gunpoint is the only thing that comes to mind.