Not So Much Like Old Times

It's hard to catch up on old times with you, childhood chum. First, it is hard for me to ignore that we weren't really friends in the strictest sense of the word. I remember you as the boy whose main contribution to society was willful and well-timed flatulence. And although hugely entertaining at the time, it may not be a solid foundation for life-long, test of time allegiance. Second, I have difficulties feigning such things as interest or concern. Lastly, I am not keen on sharing details of my life with practical strangers who once shared a zip code and a third grade teacher with me. Please just supply the requisite information about our former classmates. Namely, who is dead, gay, famous, or a smattering of all three.