It Will Be Televised

When you say you don't watch television, you sound so proud. As if you are telling a crowd that you have sworn off racism and child brutality. In self-righteous tones usually reserved for born again church going types, you chide others for their enjoyment of this form of entertainment. National Public Radio, erudite magazines, and a well-chosen newspaper will suit you just fine. You now have a leg up on information superiority. I hope this is soothing salve for the stinging fact that you are a lonely bore. You have no sense of fun unless it is enjoying bewildered looks as you quote a literary critic about a book you didn't read or a culinary guide about a restaurant you will never attempt to visit. Lock yourself in your shabby apartment and live out your mortal coil having done and seen nearly nothing. Maybe someday soon you will understand that being smug is an unattractive quality. Especially in someone with no basis for it.

You Don't Say

It is with increasing difficulty that I feign interest in what you are saying or doing. If I thought for a moment you cared about anyone else but yourself, I might worry that you would notice my aloof attitude towards you. Luckily, for all involved, I read you correctly and we can go on. Hooray for that.

Waiting

While I can certainly believe that being a waitress is a thankless job, I have seen nothing from your lunch service today that would warrant an outcry against the injustice of this notion.

Guided by Voice

You have a nasal and droning voice. It makes me want to smash my head in when I hear it. My teeth set and my jaws clench. If you could refrain from talking, pretty much always, I would greatly appreciate it.

Don't Leave Home

No one will mention it to your face, but continuing to live with your parents deep into your twenties is shameful. Certainly, one can see the allure of treating the kind souls who raised you like a bed and breakfast with laundry service, but have you not a shred of pride? Are you oblivious to the economic strain you put on them? Do you care nothing about their retirement planning? Are you so interested only in yourself that you will ignore the fact that they haven't got that much time left. Do they not have the right to enjoy it? Giving birth to you was not supposed to be a lifetime commitment of service. They are under no obligation to keep this up. You should be contrite and gracious. Instead, you play video games in the living room, leave beer cans on most flat surfaces, and never replace refrigerator staples. No one would blame them for smothering you in your sleep.

Tally Ho

It seems like an early wake-up was in order for you, miss. You appear dishevelled and unkempt. Was there actually any slumber involved with your evening or are you just headed for your well-earned rest now? And, forgive me for my presumption, but I wonder if you earned more than a good day's sleep with whatever you were doing last night. Is it beyond the realm of possibility that you were obtaining hard currency to keep up some sort of narcotics habit? Either way, the early morning sun off your sneering, dirt caked face tells of something more than a commute.

A Way with Words

Yes, you are quite astute to note my vexation at the current state of affairs. What this moment needs now is a wide-sweeping platitude that will not only do no good, but may in fact get me so incensed that I will be forced to remove your hollow skull from your body. This is exactly the salve that will set things right. Much like hammering your thumb instead of the nail will instantly relieve you of the headache you formerly had. I've nearly forgotten what it was I was initially concerned with. I suppose I should thank you.

Helping Out

You should probably know that the spinach you just extracted from your teeth was clearly there hours ago. We all saw. We all knew. We were silently in on the conspiracy to keep you looking ridiculous. You should not only be embarrassed, but rightfully angry. I guess it would be appropriate to apologize, but if I wasn't willing to take on the minor discomfort of telling you about the dental foliage, what makes you think I would broach the subject of what amounts to social malfeasance in the contract of mankind?

Keeping On

While I believe the trucker-style baseball cap you don is an ill-fated attempt at being urban and hip, I am left to wonder if your painful level of self-awareness has left you blind to how you actually look. No angle of skewed bill will complete what you are going for.

Bright Lights

Oh, please wax endlessly on toady's arts. It does so help me in choosing what entertainment to take in. As long as I work off the assumption that your opinions are diametrically opposed to mine, I usually have the proper barometer on which to choose how I spend my time and money. You have no taste and yet you feel the need to let all around you in on what should be at least an understated notion instead of an obvious point blank statement.

Yammering Naybob

Self-righteous political opinions spewed during a dinner party are as desirable as unstable angina. Someone so pleased with the sound of their own voice may not be able to restrain themselves in such intense times, but we are restraining ourselves from defenestrating you. There has to be some give and take.

Sunglasses at Night

Miss, while I respect your bravery and skill navigating the streets and this train all the while being blind, I have an awkward complaint. I'd greatly appreciate it if you keep your panting German Sheppard off of my feet. He seems comfortable and such a selfless beast deserves a rest. But at what cost? I would think my comfort would mean something. And obviously, I can't bring this up among judgmental passengers basking in your accomplishment. I have to own up to my silent resentment. So you've managed to compound my discomfort with sighted guilt. You really should be proud.

Dropping Down

Your rapid recent weight loss is disconcerting. Do I congratulate you for diligence and display of will power? Or, do I wish you well in your fight against some sort of wasting disease? Did you not think of others when you began this endeavor. I'm not sure you are significant enough to cause me this sort of consternation.

Clarity of Advertising

I've created a belief system about you that is greatly derived from your t-shirt. Its textual message of perceived mirth tells me that not only are you easily amused, but actually fancy yourself humorous. You maintain a substandard IQ with the assistance of paint huffing and cheap whine. You guffaw at bumper stickers. You are tickled by home video shows featuring groin injuries. You are a great burden to family and those you wrongly consider friends. I am stretched to my mental limits trying to deduce what possible purpose you could serve.

Blather On

By Susan B. Anthony's beard, would you please shut up. Being insecure about your intelligence should not result in prolific speech. It should work in quite the opposite fashion.

Street Music?

There are so many sounds I would rather hear, street musician, than your incessant and grating drumming. A faulty air conditioner, a dogs yelp, the deep and resigned sigh of your death rattle, bees flying into a fan... Pretty much, I could listen to any new age, water drop sampling, eletro funk jazz experimental fusion before I would listen to ten thumps on your plastic buckets and steel pans. We pray for rain. Or hail

Unseeing What We Have Seen

For all things great and small, sir, would you be so kind as to do something about the underside of your rotund belly peeking out from under that sausage casing you believe is a t-shirt. Seeing this glimpse of white and hair is the polar opposite of a woman's cleavage. It is where all things sensual go to die. This was not meant to be a half shirt, I am sure. None the less, it has revealed something ugly to all of us. And I mean that literally.

Bug-Eye

We must deduct points on the scale of attractiveness due to the huge sunglasses, my dear. It appears as if you are adorning your face with a tinted windshield. We all must assume you are hiding something. A single eyebrow stretched across your forehead? A lazy and crossed eye? A pirate patch? The mind races to fill in the blanks and with nothing good.

Confirmation Via Speech

When will you learn to keep your mouth shut? You are your own worst enemy in the workplace. Not everything is fodder for an attempt at humor. Rudeness can not be immediately forgiven as a personality quirk. Your boss will not forgive slights against his person for the simple reason that he doesn't have to. This isn't the locker room or your bachelor party. You will find as many supporters for your promotions as you find willing recipients for your too easily proffered high fives.

Obstacles

You are in the way. Step aside post haste. Hang up your cell phone or put your iPod away. You are an impediment on an already difficult journey through streets packed with copious portions of hoi and grand swaths of palloi. Cower in the shade of an unused payphone or I shall cast you aside. This is not your living room. We are not characters in the life story of you. You are insignificant and should understand that.

Departure

Yes, your new job sounds wonderful. It is possible that you've turned over a new leaf and are approaching bare competency. Surely they shower you with untold riches. Of course, it is only a matter of time until you will not be able to help getting in your own way, and they discover what you really are. Will you have jumped ship by then? Leaving all in the lurch as you did here?

Free Advice

While I am sure the way you do things has worked out to your satisfaction, it does not mean I seek any kind of guidance much less any from you. I see how things have worked out for you, and to be frank, I think I will go it on my own. But feel free to be pedantic and patronizing along the way. Your inability to recognize your own limitations is probably something you think people find charming. It isn't. Neither is wasting my time with useless suggestions and boring anecdotes. Just trying to be clear.

Coverage

Maybe it is the lack of feedback, but I think you have overestimated the power of the comb over in making you look young and vibrant. You seem to have put a good amount of time and energy into this endeavor, and the best I can say is that it shows. But let's call it what it is, a few strands of hair grown long and pasted over a bald pate. If anything, it accentuates the issue. Maybe it is time to accept this for what it is.

Stretched to the Limit

Perhaps, you have just run out of laundry, but the pants you are wearing are for a much smaller woman. Is this from a time before the metabolism or amphetamine habit stopped? I can see you are uncomfortable wearing this garment, both physically and mentally. I believe these are both warranted feelings.

Only You Can Prevent It

I wouldn't think that you should have need of worry regarding your smoking habit, obviously drug-addled bench dweller. But as you nod to some deep and wonderful void, your borrowed cigarette burns down to your knuckles. This fills me with discomfort. It isn't bad enough that you have given yourself completely over to narcotics to the point of flouting societies guidelines for hygiene, but you might also self-immolate. This puts so many people at risk of seeing something they may never forget. And frankly, it is this risk to others psyches that is what is most disturbing.

Where Eagles Dare

Oh yes, do feed the pigeons, madame. Don't let the fact that we all have no interest in winged vermin scurrying around our meals bother you. Nothing like the combination of feathers, feces, and the threat of disease to make a beautiful day in the park yet another horrendous and tiring peek into humanities insufferable idiosyncrasies. Why not just spread out cheese and play a piccolo to call out the myriad rats that lurk about?

Athletic Supporter

When you don your favorite sports team's authentic and pricey jersey, do you feel like part of the team? Do you pause for a moment considering such garb is not necessarily appropriate much passed grade school? Or are you too busy looking for your next handslap high above your head and a reason to bellow? Perchance a fight with an equally oblivious fan of another team. Wondrous times.

Stripmining Human Resources

I have to wonder as to whom you believe you are. If you think for one moment that you have earned the right to judge me, you need to reassess your lot in life quickly. You are rude and ignorant. The fact that you have fooled enough people into believing you have even a semblance of competency says everything about those you work for and nothing in the least about you. You have grown sick with conceit. You are held down by the immense weight of your unearned ego. If only you could hear what people actually think of you. You would fall from the high regard you hold for yourself with enough velocity to crush your internal organs. Not the least pleasant thing I can think of at the moment.

Spray Faint

While I am quite sure that smelling fresh and lovely is a trait preferable to the alternative, I cannot abide by your perfume application on a crowded train. I find myself unable to fathom the sheer rudeness. You believe it is OK to disseminate noxious chemicals that reek like a child's cotton candy vomit after a robust amusement park ride while in close proximity to others. All the while knowing we are all in an enclosed space with no other choice but to huff this vile scent. You will be the first against the wall, madame if the revolution somehow begins today. Your crimes have not gone unnoticed.

Not So Much Like Old Times

It's hard to catch up on old times with you, childhood chum. First, it is hard for me to ignore that we weren't really friends in the strictest sense of the word. I remember you as the boy whose main contribution to society was willful and well-timed flatulence. And although hugely entertaining at the time, it may not be a solid foundation for life-long, test of time allegiance. Second, I have difficulties feigning such things as interest or concern. Lastly, I am not keen on sharing details of my life with practical strangers who once shared a zip code and a third grade teacher with me. Please just supply the requisite information about our former classmates. Namely, who is dead, gay, famous, or a smattering of all three.