Age is Wasted on the Old

Listening to you talk to your grandson on the cellphone is filling me with ambivalence that I am not sure how to deal with. Initially, any sort of dumbed down banter will create in me an intense loathing. The fact that it is appropriate for your audience does nothing to lessen my ability to hear it. And I know full well that there is nothing intrinsically wrong with you. You are an old man who keeps a cell phone in case of medical crisis and/or if a person of color speaks to you. But it takes all my reserve not to snatch the offending device from your aged clutches and wing it down the aisle (possibly injuring pimply-faced texters). This should not in any way lessen your joy at your grandson turning five. I only wish I could join in the revelry.