Shiny and New

You current relationship reflects poorly on you. It shows us all a different side of you that was both unwanted and unflattering. Anyone who has the pleasure of an audience with your new pairing are appalled to see gratuitous displays of affection and hear simpering couple talk that is peppered with ridiculous saccharine idioms only decipherable if one is fluent in moron. You put one off their meal. And alone you are worse. Your latest amour wants you to curtail your alcohol intake? What fun. We could talk about it, but most of your visits are interrupted with non-stop texting and cell phone calls. Yes, apparently you love her too. It is truly wonderful to hear. I will now require the immediate presence of a bucket so that I may vomit copiously.