Thursday, July 31, 2008

Straighy

Heterosexual caucasian men sporting pink Polo shirts and pedal pusher pants so encroach on gay culture that it is now watered down and inane. You're the father of three, you golf, watch Sportscenter, and the oil changes on your sensible family roadster are always on time. Yet, your hair is laden with product, your sunglasses are large and too hip, and you go absolutely nowhere without tiny headphones jammed into your ears blaring electro noise. You are confused and depressing. Why must we suffer this?

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Surprises

Under no circumstance can I condone vomiting in the street. I can't word my insistence that whomever so carries out said practice desist immediately. What is it, did you imbibe your first lager tonight? Or are you just so devoid of self control that you over-indulged on all varieties of coloured liquors. You give wondrous alcohol a bad reputation with your foul and disgusting display. Although evidence to the contrary is stacked up daily, the street is not actually a toilet. People use these thoroughfares to get to work and the like. The last thing they need to stumble upon is the remains of your booze-ridden evening. Please, return to the woodsy keg parties and stolen schnapps of your suburban upbringing.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Hometown

Sure, it may very well be off putting to our European touring friends, but you, sir, carry off crazy and homeless with such aplomb that it is well nigh remarkable. It isn't just the shirtless sinewy frame or the amputation or even the stark raving lunacy. It is the full gestalt that shows the world why New York is just a little more than everywhere else. Does a man proud.

Monday, July 28, 2008

On the Go

In general, I can't condone eating on public transport. But I suppose if you are truly in a rush and in need of sustinence, I can begrudgingly allow it assuming it is fairly self-contained. I may not approve, but I understand. Eating a serving of sushi with sauces and chopsticks on the train is just plain ridiculous. Pretentious and unwise. Foul to watch. This is not OK.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Seen and Heard

Your child's behavior says something horrible about you as a parent and a person. But let's not let the little scamp off so easily. Children are just small people training to be adults. They bring their identities to the process and although immature, it is the indelible groundwork for the future. So, although your shoddy parenting currently on display is not helping matters any, your child is no innocent.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Eye sore

There is much beauty to behold on a warm summer day such as this one. And would it were that I could enjoy it, I certainly would. If only... Mine eyes may never recover from seeing you apply sunscreen, sir. Chubby and pallid running fingers through matted chest hair as your gold chain slides in perspiration. I recoil to think of it.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Patience

Exactly what are you hoping to accomplish by leaning heavily upon your horn? The car in front of you stopped to let a wheelchair-bound woman traverse the crosswalk. Do you just see a quicker path to eternal damnation?

Family Ties that Bind

Dearest relative, there are several reasons I don't call enough to appease your obvious need for communication. The initial point to make is that "enough" is really decided by the neediness of the beholder. While you may believe this subjective quantity is several times a week or possibly a day, I feel that chance meetings at weddings and funerals fills our communications quota nicely. But to address the issue directly, becoming an adult is fraught with responsibility. The one obligation you are actually allowed to cast off is the forced relationships forged by blood. Familial acquaintances are can be held up to the standards I hold for the rest of the world. This does not bode well for you.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

The Great Imitator

If you feel it necessary to take credit for the work of others, I think it would only be right if you actually knew what you were talking about. It's one thing to attempt an ambitious route through the workplace using duplicity and covering yourself with plausible deniablilty. It is yet another entirely when you show no mental capacity to carry out your supposed plans. You aren't articulate enough to even describe the genesis of the ill-be gotten idea. You not only continue and amplify the perception of stupidity so many have of you, but you cheapen the original and usable idea. Maybe you should fade into the background, cheering on projects and adding nothing but platitudes and useless commentary. It is this very uselessness we will all prize over what you currently offer.


Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Great and Misunderstood

Your references to your workplace as your "day job" are tiresome. At this point, considering some vast artistic endeavor that will lavish countless riches on you has not come about yet, it is more than likely the the day job is actually a career. You are neither creative nor ambitious, so maybe you should consider an attempt at competency in your actual job.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Rickshaw

Yes, that sounds like a fantastic idea. I want to take a bicycle taxi through the streets of Manhattan in sweltering heat and intense rush hour gridlock. Sounds quite amazing. Not only can I risk my life among the buses and rushing taxis, but I can do it trailing in the miasma of bike hack body odor. All to get to my destination moments before I would have walking. What great and modern times we live in.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Pressed Flesh

It is jarring to shake hands with you. So soft and clammy is your grip that even thinking about it makes me uncomfortable. A man's handshake should be firm and brief. It should not remind one of sumberging one's hand in a bait pail. Next time, a congenial nod of the head will more than suffice.


Saturday, July 19, 2008

Do Come In

Don't let the fact that I am trying to get out of my office dissuade you in any way from coming in and wasting my time. Surely, your issues, your time, your life is far more important than anything I could dream of. Let's chat, shall we? Don't mind me if I drift off imagining your timely and necessary demise.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Clear

Congratulations on getting to the train. You appear to have made quite an effort to get here. You are out of breath and dripping perspiration on other passengers. Who knows the toll of old women and small children you ran over to avoid being three to seven minutes delayed. You may have miscalculated the physical abilities you have carried into middle age. The addition of dozens of pounds along with the years have left you now gasping for air and beet red. Should you fall prey to cardiac issues here and now, this looks to be a less than sympathetic crowd. And I count myself proudly among them.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Shiny and New

You current relationship reflects poorly on you. It shows us all a different side of you that was both unwanted and unflattering. Anyone who has the pleasure of an audience with your new pairing are appalled to see gratuitous displays of affection and hear simpering couple talk that is peppered with ridiculous saccharine idioms only decipherable if one is fluent in moron. You put one off their meal. And alone you are worse. Your latest amour wants you to curtail your alcohol intake? What fun. We could talk about it, but most of your visits are interrupted with non-stop texting and cell phone calls. Yes, apparently you love her too. It is truly wonderful to hear. I will now require the immediate presence of a bucket so that I may vomit copiously.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Quitter

In a way, I am proud and happy for your accomplishments casting off the chains of alcohol and drug dependence. With that in mind, I do have to let you know that your constant running commentary on your recent and present recovery effort is becoming all too boring. Considering most social occasions, or at least any worth mentioning, include some recreational drinking, I really do not want to be made to feel guilty. We are all happy that you are feeling better, but at the same time you are really celebrating the failure to maintain a fairly calm and enjoyable life that includes some social drinking. I'm not sure this is something to take pride in. More like something to recognize and move on. Like losing a limb. We won't point it out, but we notice it immediately and we probably won't engage in much rock climbing together either.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Act Like You Know

Clearly you are not excelling in your attempts to become a working actor. You seem embarrassed which is fair considering your age and lack of career. You also seem bewildered that the grand expanse of your talent has been ignored. I don't go to the endless array of workshops and community theater you go on about so I can't comment on your skills or obvious lack thereof. I will say, it could very well be that your failure is due in large part to not being attractive. You are slovenly in physique and quite homely. This is hard for someone to say, but probably harder to hear. And I for one feel better about that fact.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Joining the 19th Century

Self-righteous hipster bicyclist let me explain a few things. You are not going to race professionally so there is no reason to wear the tightest Tour De France biking leotards. As far as actually riding your little bike around, if you want respect from motorists and receive the same or better rights of way, you probably should obey the laws of the road. Including such items as stop lights. Don't forget riding in the proper direction on a one way road and staying off the sidewalks would be nice as well. And strapping your hugely expensive Italian racing bike to that giant SUV to get to the most lush and natural locals seems a bit incongruous. Did I mention that at least an initial application of deodorant would go over very well?

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Modern American Parenting

By allowing your child to grow obese, madame, you are complicit in child abuse. Forget for a moment that this bosom-laden man child is on the path to any number of health problems, he will suffer worse from being ostracized. He will be the butt all too many jokes. The referential point for whether someone is truly corpulent or not. Damned too many friendships and nothing more with the opposite sex. You claim to love this large lad, yet you enable this state. How can you live with yourself?

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Contingencies

You are made up of equal parts laziness and incompetence. As the lazy side of you usually trumps anything else, it usually works out fine. You do nothing more than attract scorn as others around you pick up your slack. It is only when things are most urgent that we are forced to override your dominant personality trait and open ourselves up to the tyranny of your inability to do anything correctly. So when we need it most, we fall into the worst trap. In a sense, we should blame ourselves. In a sense.

Friday, July 11, 2008

What was that? You were saying?

It is a thrilling, ironic reversal of roles to hear you talk down to me. So wildly out of place and unwarranted that I almost wonder if I am still sleeping. Is this a dream that someone so deficient, so utterly incompetent would even attempt to challenge anything about me? Maybe this is a parallel universe where up is down and black is white and you have anything of interesting or substantial to say. You will do well to keep your head down and mouth clasped closed hoping that no one notices you. As it was, it should be again. For your sake. But for now, sit calmly in quiet shock as I eviscerate you in front of all these people.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Taste and Decorum

Shiny gold watch, large gold ring, and gold rope chain around the neck, how do you do it, sir? With equal part aplomb and utter lack of shame. That's how. Bravo.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Pride and Prejudice

In theory, your same-sex canoodling is a major step forward in acceptance and tolerance. In practice, it is just as inconsiderate and off putting as any vile public heterosexual grope. Please desist forthwith so as not to risk a serious reconsideration of my liberal bias. At the very least, let's keep our hands in our own back pockets, shall we?

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Bon Mots

I can't recall ever telling you something that had meaning. I wouldn't waste the energy. Everything I've referred to you as, even in your presence, was meant to insult. My respect for you knows no nadir. It plummets as if in free fall. With every passing day, I find further justification for this stance. You mix ignorance with boorishness and wash it down with an inconsiderate nature. A foul and potent concoction of lamentable being.


Monday, July 7, 2008

Somnolence

Sleeping is a private function. It should be done with few to no witnesses. It is remarkable that you are so comfortable during this time on public transport that you can slumber freely. While interesting in a detached sense there is nothing to quell the disgust that goes along with witnessing open-mouthed snoring that would put a hibernating grizzly to shame. The string of drool doesn't do much to enhance the experience either. There is nothing good about this sight. Even the discomfort you must be feeling every head jerking bump we hit brings me little joy. And by the looks of you, one would think you would have ample time to get the rest you need.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Gesundheit

Your theatrically loud sneeze is uncalled for and ridiculous. Frankly, it is startling. You have no good reason to make such a spectacle just to announce to the world that you have a slight case of hay fever or "whatever's going around." And don't look at me expecting some sort of blessing or incantation. If I say what I am really thinking, you won't feel relieved.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

As the Old Crow Flies

Old lady, you wear a constant disgruntled countenance. While I surely share some of your worldview, I am discomfited by the scowling glares given to all travelers you come across. Your impatience for this mortal coil and disdain for the other more vibrant inhabitants is duly noted. But surely this sort of theatricality is a bit showy. We understand that the bustle of the horseless carriages, the presence of swarthy masses of immigrants, and the ever-corroding morals of today's youth causes you no little distress. But your views were marginalized for a reason. Please accept this as a fate you earned.

Friday, July 4, 2008

Chit Chat

The statements you make are either simple generalities that enlighten no one or outright fallacies. It is unclear to me if those around you are as sure of this as I am, and I would speak up to correct you. The problem is that it would mean interacting with you which is one thing, sir, that I will not do.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Contempt and Contemplation

Philosophers have wrestled with the question of which preceded which, the chicken or the egg. So too I am faced with a thought-provoking quandary. Do I completely discount and diametrically oppose everything you say due to my distinct dislike and distaste for everything about you? Or does listening to anything you have on your diminutive mind form my very strong opinion of you in general? A mind twisting puzzle indeed.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Age is Wasted on the Old

Listening to you talk to your grandson on the cellphone is filling me with ambivalence that I am not sure how to deal with. Initially, any sort of dumbed down banter will create in me an intense loathing. The fact that it is appropriate for your audience does nothing to lessen my ability to hear it. And I know full well that there is nothing intrinsically wrong with you. You are an old man who keeps a cell phone in case of medical crisis and/or if a person of color speaks to you. But it takes all my reserve not to snatch the offending device from your aged clutches and wing it down the aisle (possibly injuring pimply-faced texters). This should not in any way lessen your joy at your grandson turning five. I only wish I could join in the revelry.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Blue in the Face

Is there anything that makes you happier than the unceasing sound of your own voice? A captive audience? Don't stop on my account. The white noise of you relating every detail of your existence is relaxing in a way. It's not as if I have any pressure to keep up my end of the conversation considering this is not a conversation. This is a non-stop rambling tractor-trailer of sound. I suppose, if I were concerned for even a passing moment about your point of view, I may have to untangle the shifting sands of subject matter that fuse into the mosaic of your monologue. Instead, I just look at you in wonder as your aching jaw suffers in service to a fierce task master. Will you notice if I leave? Maybe I should just turn my back. This is fairly awkward. If I am waiting for my cue to extract myself from this situation, I don't think it will come from you. I will have to depend on an act of God such as a phone call or maybe a tree falling on you.