Glad Tidings

Ah, the great congregation of the unwashed and illiterate. Celebrate dawning of new hope. Just do it far from me. Please use contraception.

Waiting

Kind waiter, I know you believe you know better, but I will select what I want to eat. Please go bully some tourists into having the cheese plate.

Trapped by Tourism

Why are you here clogging the streets of our fair city? The grand spectacle of the ball dropping is still days away. And yet, you mill about seemingly aimlessly. You hoot and holler making the dead of winter even more intolerable. Stupidity knows no bonds and cares nothing for dipping temperatures. One can only hope that the swarms of con artists swoop down and drink deep of the nectar you provide. Either that or natural disaster.

Misery and Company

Must you destroy every moment regardless of how mundane it is? There is no topic that you cannot spin into a tale of your own despair. I would test this theory, but I don't think that I can muster the strength. You have sapped me of all energy. How many major and minor tragedies have you suffered? How have you cataloged them all so well? You have such immediate recall of all your many and varied indignities. I would offer you a beverage, but I am sure you will spin a yarn of your childhood near-drowning. I would offer you something to eat, but I fear a close relative may have choked to an early death. You are all leaking roofs and deflated tires. You are missed opportunities and gloom on the horizon. I cannot even feel the thrill of superiority to your situation because you take all the air out of the room.

Driving Force

No, no, please don't let the fact that traffic is stopped dissuade you from attempting to move between lanes over and over again. It's not irritating at all. It isn't making matters worse. If for some reason, you can get through this situation forty to fifty seconds before the rest of us, it will all have been worth it.

Kanoodling

If you are going to insist on continuing to intertwine your tongues and caress each other so frantically, I will be forced to protest this display of prehistoric mating ritual in the only way I know how. When the projectile vomit hits you, you will know how disgusted I am and perhaps a level of queasiness will befall you in much the same way it has me. I, for one, will feel much better.

Askew View

It might be because I don't care to remember or know to the difference, but I have no idea if you have a false eye or just some sort of physical issue that forces one to react and track much different from the other. Either way, when talking to you, I have no idea which eye is the one to follow. Which one should one must devote attention to. I have to say that it is a bit of embarrassment that I don't need. If at all possible, our future dealings should be via telephone.

The Other Side of Patronizing

I suppose it is your right to come up with alternative ideas and present them to me. I can't necessarily fault you for that. What does irk me is that the quality of the idea is antithetical to anything remotely resembling a workable solution. So as the arbiter of this process, I will need you to cease sulking when I completely write it off with a tart curtness that could be so much worse. If you were a more mature individual you may even see the kindness I am showing you just by being merely rude. It is time to give up your notions of adequacy and follow along with my instructions.

In Need of Fresh Air

It has hit me with a clarity I can not provide a counter argument to. Your noxious breath has made the continuation of our friendship impossible. Obviously, social mores bar me from explaining myself with any clarity so please excuse whatever flimsy pretense I employee in order to provide a solid structure for dissolving this bond. The reason may not stand up to any sort of scrutiny, but it is best for us both if we approach this issue with a willful credulity.

Mismeasure of Man

Ma'am, regardless of your orientation, if you are going to pose as a man with your garb, hairstyle and mannerisms, you could at least choose one with a sense of style. Your outsized caricature of what you believe to be a male is disturbing to say the least. It is like some odd hybrid of trailer park biker meets a 70s sitcom handyman. And it wouldn't hurt to take off a few dozen pounds. Who knows what you are trying to attract, but unless it is unwanted stares, I am not sure you are hitting the mark.

Excuse Me?

I realize that it is considered rude for me to finish your sentences as you are clearly have a stuttering problem. But maybe you should show some understanding that as someone who is not patient, I can't really calmly sit by awaiting your next point. Am I to applaud you for wasting my time like so much spare spittle? I think not.

Cry of the Beholder

If you are going to listen to everything I say, more than likely you will at some point find yourself offended. And while it will be a fair observation that offense was intended, it really is up to you whether to take it that way or not. So you see, it's really your fault.

Grant Me the Strength

It galls me to have to thank you for correcting an obvious error. Is it too much to ask for the minimum? Is it too much to ask you to actually do what was requested initially. I believe it would require me to be a much different kind of person to forgive you for this sort of transgression. But please, if you cannot even perform simple tasks when requested, save the attitude about being asked to rectify the situation. And if my tone borders on patronizing mixed with a healthy dose of acrimony, I have to hope you can understand. It is much less understanding than you are expecting of me. Although comprehension does seem to be in short supply.

Wisdom

By virtue of being younger, let me assure you that you are dumber. I don't know when this became clear to me, but you seem to lack a certain level of referential information that would enable you to interact with those around you. It seems that it would be in your best interest to remain silent.

Do Tell

You seem to be under some misperception that I do not understand your predicament. You keep muttering that I have some sort of block. As if I wouldn't be able to discern the minor dramas that seem plaque your life. It is not euclidean geometry. I most certainly ascertain the situation, but what you have confused as ignorance is actually undisguised apathy. Perhaps if you weren't so caught up in yourself, you might have noticed.

Cold and Wet

The first snow should not cause you to lapse into fits of euphoria or to wax poetic regarding the beauty of nature. It is nothing to lose your composure over. It is at best an inconvenience of layered clothing, slippery surfaces, and slush. You are not in the school yard. Anything short of a catastrophic blizzard and you will find yourself somewhat hindered but still expected at the workplace.

Breaking Away

I'm sure that you are mired in the misery surrounding the termination of your latest relationship. And while it may be easy to submerge one's self in the fetid waters of self pity, maybe you should take heart knowing that this brings others unabashed joy. No one will miss that ill-tempered shrew who kept you henpecked and emasculated. We rejoice and look forward to the return of your previous self. Great tidings.

It is the Season

While it may seem cliche, I have to point out that I can't abide by the spirit of the holidays. I think it is my extreme dislike of artifice and selective goodwill. So please save your best wishes for someone who wants them. I'm not sure what yours are worth as it is.

Greetings and Salutations of the Lame

Can we forgo your custom of intricate and ill-executed handshakes? Accept that you are ethnically challenged. I know you have a penchant for this sort of thing, but perhaps it is time to accept that you are older and less current than you think. This is nothing more than an awkward attempt to maintain something you really never were.

Tis the Season

I guess it is not enough that it is cold and harsh. I have to be subjected to aimless shoppers roaming the city. Moving slowly, taking up space, and swinging bags that can clip the thigh of anyone attempting to get passed. And those attempts are frequent due to inexplicable stopping and direction changes to make the most blind drunk seem predictable. They hit these sidewalks in teeming masses making sure that what was not bad enough surely is now.

Uncalled for Chemical Assault

Oh, absolutely not. You will not sit next to me chewing with an open mouth some sort of fetid meat concoction brought up from the bowels of the city served to you out of greasy water. The spectacle you present is unsettling. I must flee before the odiferous fumes settle around me like a cloud of gas stifling and choking in it's foulness.

Without Power There is Little Responsibility

Reading a comic book is at best an activity only to be done bathed in the sickly light of a bare bulb swinging from your parents' basement. Public displays of comic book readership are rightly shunned. True, it tells the world you are comfortable in your pale and clammy skin, but it also belies the fact that you have surrendered the last shred of your ego. You've lost hope and rediscovered a lost youth that probably was no more a happy time than this one. Obliviate yourself with garish colors and sub-soap opera story lines. Tell those around you (especially the women) that you are not interested in joining them. You would shout this from the rooftops if you ever found yourself outside.

No One Asked You

No, please, I am so interested in your minor and inconsequential critique. Please don't let the fact that you add nothing else to this process in any way prevent you from putting in your worthless and irritating comment. Perhaps if you had a shred of talent or an ounce of ambition, I could possibly even consider what you had to say. When you have left this place and no one notices, you will probably just feel that most lack observational abilities, and that they never could appreciate all that you brought to a situation. But I noticed. And I will never forget. You are a blight.

Gross Malfeasance

Your show of bringing reading material to the office restroom is an affront to your co-workers. Although defecation is a necessity to all, choosing such a brazen display shows you as a shameless goldbrick wallowing in your own putrid essence all the while eating into company time. You are vile.

Where Will I Summon The Strength

The massive failures that make up your life's endeavors has made conversation difficult. There are so very many topics to dance around, I can hardly keep them straight. This is something you should think about. I realize this shortcoming is merely a rung on a long ladder into despair, but it may be the one that affects the most influence.

Can I Help You?

It is clear you have come to some sort of crossroads in your life. You apparently need to unburden yourself of this heavy psychic weight. Let me encourage you to seek someone else for emotional guidance. Not only am I ill equipped to care about you, but at best, my advice would be a thinly veiled directive to make matters worse. You see, I resent having my time destroyed by profound matters of the heart. Especially when they come from you. Be a man. Go take solace in the sudsy foam of a beer. Bask in your misery. But do it quietly. I implore you.

Omissions

My signature does not grace your card, dear coworker. Please note that this is quite intentional. I have no regard for you or whatever your ailment, pregnancy or departure may entail. The mere thought of working up the energy to show any sort of recognition exhausts me. I believe my ignorance of your existence is the very best I can offer. You're welcome.

Speak Volumes

You'll have to forgive me. I know you were standing their talking. Your jaw was moving as you emitted sounds that presumably were words. I wouldn't know because for the life of me, I have no idea what you could possibly have been saying. I only know two things: you were saying a lot, and it couldn't have been that important. The latter was derived from the fact that it was you talking. You are a droning officious dufus. I assume you are conditioned not be to sensitive about this kind of treatment.

On the Road

Feel free to swing your car door open into heavy traffic. As long as you are going to be fine with me ripping your door and possibly your arm off, I can't complain too much. I won't be able to forgive you for scratching the finish on my paint nor inevitable insurance premium issues, but there will be some solace I suppose.

Muzzle

If you are going to co-commute, please handle all your snippy spousal conversations before you leave the house. Others should not have to listen to you two debate the news of the day just because you share the Times. It is embarrassing and most of all irritating. You grow tired of these conversations, and it is completely understandable. You are both morons.

The Desultory Nature of Wasted Time

It is high time someone had the wherewithal you tell you that your hobbies and, more to the point, your devotion to them make everyone around you uncomfortable. No one cares about the esoteric nature of the nomenclature nor the historic significance of said hobbies. You are a grown man saturated with the trappings of childhood whimsy. The very least you could do is keep it very quiet. Limit the amount of embarrassment those around you must suffer.

Big Splash

I'm sure there are so many good reasons for you to hit MACH 1 out here in this rainy weather. Hopefully, those reasons are nothing short of a snake bite. But perhaps you could have avoided the enormous puddle next to the sidewalk. Because now my ill wishes are upon you like so much muddy water on my pants.

Clown Crier

You are the voice of the great dissatisfied masses. You put it upon yourself to make a scene in a crowd when things seem unfair. But any help you may provide or injustice you uncover is completely counterbalanced by the embarrassing nature of your complaint. People would rather you pipe down and take care of your own business. Stifle your instincts and remain calm. You do not help the situation.

Leper Among Us

Some may laud you for your tireless work ethic as you drag yourself into work riddled with illness. I for one, fellow commuter, will not be counted among them. Your sniffling and coughing all over the train puts every one of us at risk for whatever pox you carry. Since I don't work with you, I don't reap whatever dubious benefits there might be to having you show up at work dragging yourself through your day in an anti-histamine fog. Your co-passengers are all innocent in this regard and your wanton display of dripping infectious disease is nothing more than misanthropy embodied.

Digestive Catastrophe

Digestive Catastrophe

While I appreciate the effort put forth in preparing what seemed like a fine repast, I cannot explain the havoc it caused my system. The sheer horror is too much for civilized conversation. But the fact remains that you have left me bedraggled and worn. And I could not forgive you even if I had the capacity to do so.

Advertising

Ah yes, I see you celebrate your ethnicity through witty t-shirt slogans. That is so you.

Suffering Fools

I do not hold much stock in the virtue of patience. And have even less interest in that passing fancy when it concerns having to wait around for inefficient slobs such as yourself. If I felt that what I was waiting for was high quality I may have a different take on the matter. But I understand that you have made quite a reputation for yourself with your insidious combination of inefficient and incompetent. So don't mind me when I drag your name through the mud and extend you all the courtesy I would gum affixed to the bottom of my shoe.

Befuddled

It is easy to deduce in the short span of this conversation that you've forgotten my name. You have fail to conceal this fact so please stop using pronouns to cover up your ill-advised subterfuge. You must be very embarrassed to try such a ham handed illusion, but there is no need to be. I am more than fine with this situation. The fact that I know your name has more to do with intelligence than who is more memorable.

Danger in Closed Spaces

I have no interest in speculating exactly what has caused the horrible stench in your office. Be it some festering goulosh in your trash or last night's revelry eating away your insides. I am willing to leave it lie with no comment, as long as you can accept me backing away slowly and taking my silent leave of your putrid company.

Making Matters Worse

Explaining how to perform simple tasks is weighing heavily upon me. You require constant supervision and quality control. Only a team of eagle-eyed, detail-oriented staff can keep you from causing utter catastrophe. Your ineptitude is a vast and leaden burden that no one should be forced to shoulder.

Moment of Clarity

I felt so relieved at the realization that I don't care about the interpersonal relations at the office. Weighing myself down with the comings and goings of the rumor mill was tiring. True it had perks that come with learning embarrassing details of people's lives, but it takes such effort. Effort that is wasted on people I don't care about. I feel lighter.

Revelations

Ah, pathetic coworker, it appears someone has let on how much disdain I have for you. How I sandbag you at every turn. I would hope that you could act like a professional about this. Perhaps use my assessment as motivation. I suppose that gives you too much credit. I won't make that mistake again.

What Was Shall Never Be

Your past dependability makes the fact that you are currently worthless that much worse. We see the shell. We remember what we could be dealing with. But we are alarmed and taken back by what is actually being presented. Not only are you written off, but resented for your precipitous fall. It is a shame, but also shameful.

Sound Science

Your imposing and complicated headphones are a warning to all that you take music seriously. You may be sporting a business casual look but inside you are the hipster indie rocker who makes us all shudder in shame to remain ignorant of the artists you support. But to me, you look goofy adorning your head with something reminiscent of a 70's hifi. Something between prop comedian fare and orthodontic headgear. Your air of superiority is ironic as your hipster sensibility.

Unwelcome

It appears I am in need of a repellent for drunken louts looking for some sort of camaraderie or approval for their abhorrent behavior. I do not want to chat about the local sports club or throw in with you to decry the treatment you receive from those around you. I am one of those people, and you richly deserve such judgment. I wish your life wasn't such a swirling morass of dejection so I might not find you in this state. I'd like to not find you at all. Please fade into the background as is mandated by the social contract we should all uphold.

It Takes Fortitude

If I have to suffer your presence, you could at least keep the historionics to a minimum. It isn't all about you. I assure you.

Worthless

You like to fashion yourself someone with such largesse that those around you owe you for their very existence. But I find that there is little substance behind this bluster. You seldom come through with anything more than hollow promises. You may have those around you fooled, but I see you very clearly and I am far from impressed.

Pip Pip

Unless you are saddled with British heritage, it is not remotely acceptable to end correspondence with "Cheers". This is even more repugnant as a conversation capper. You come across as the seemingly contradictory character who can at one time be pretentious and stupid. It isn't the best way to end a phone call.

Festivities

The card has come around and donations are being solicited. Your nuptials are coming up and all your co workers are embracing your big day. I hate to be blunt, but I really don't care if you get married or even that you have a life outside of the office. I mean no insult and I'm not usually considered cheap, but I would hate you to think I considered you anything more than just someone I know right now.

Stick Up Kid

Surely the surgical mask you wear on the streets is protecting you from all sorts of airborne pathogens. This must be true because why else would you be willing to look so completely ridiculous unless it was helping you? I hope you feel quite superior with your thin layer of paper providing a live-giving barrier as all of us other Luddites throw caution to the wind and breath air directly from the source. Old fashioned respiration. I assume you must be agape at our recklessness. It is impossible to tell.

Less is Less

I wish I could be happy for you that you have a workout regiment. You are overly pleased with yourself spouting off platitudes and self-help mantras coating those around you with the fetid slime of self righteousness. And your new sartorial choices are worse. You currently only buy the tightest clothes and constantly flex and feel yourself. It is actually disgusting to watch and hard to turn from. You are the human equivalent of train collision carnage. Perhaps you should go back to eating.

Managing Expectations

It is somewhat baffling that you have somehow crawled up the corporate ladder on your belly to reach some kind of station of power. You have no eye for talent. It is more than likely that this inability is intrinsically related to your own lack of expertise in your profession. How could you be expected to recognize something with which you are wholly unfamiliar? I suppose we should all be impressed at your fortuitous rise based on something I cannot place. It isn't as if you have some semblance of personality that could carry the day.

Right to Lowlife

Although I don't see getting pregnant as the great accomplishment of the modern era, you do look like a complete ass for not giving up your seat to the swooning soon-to-be mother. The eyes of the packed car are on you filled with shared enmity. No one will hope you mind the gap.

Under the Influence

There are times after a casual and normal night involving perhaps a dram or two more of alcohol consumption than might be prudent for an evening before a work day, that I may have slightly less tolerance for my fellow man. But don't let that obscure the fact that I would be annoyed listening to your prattle at any time. It is just today that I can't listen to it for one more moment. Fly from me with haste. Stay out of my sight and most importantly my earshot.

Religious Friend

I suppose I can only blame myself for not vetting you properly when I acquiesced by allowing you into my group of friends. I did so not realizing you are born again into some sort of high-minded and self-righteous religious sect. I believe I missed any outward signs of such a stigma possibly through your subterfuge. Hard to say. Rest assured, now that I am fully aware of your stance, the situation will be rectified post-haste.

Every Time a Door Closes

No need to recognize that, in a show of gallantry, I have delayed my own travels to hold open a door for you. I assume your less than gracious nature is indicative of something deeper, more sinister about you. Perhaps it would have served you better to meet directly with a slammed door.

Great Communicator

When asked how you are doing, you must know that it is not an inquiry as much as a perfunctory greeting. Your role in the conversation is to provide an equally throw away response. Either explaining that you are fine or ignoring the non-question all together moving on to a different greeting or perhaps repeating the phrase. Any other response is completely unacceptable and reflects badly on you as an egomaniacal narcissist who truly believes their life is worth knowing about in any detail. This is quite alarming as there is so much evidence to the contrary.

Exotica

This is not the first time I have heard of your predilection for exotic pets. Apparently your house runs amok with wildly plumed birds and unblinking lizards. Surely one can easily imagine a cavalcade of screeching squawks and ungodly smells. No matter what other personality traits you exhibit, knowing what you willingly go home to makes you odd and off putting.

They Call Me the Hunter

There is a level of awe one goes through when peering upon your massive form anchored poolside. A great glistening blob of Caucasia. The gleam pierces the eye, but not enough to distract one from the grotesque nature of it all. And to see the poor soul you have at your spilling over sides applying sunscreen without the help of a paint roller, really just adds unneeded pathos to the situation. Thankfully, I am too far away to hear sounds from which surely I would never recover. Like a manatee being forced through a carwash.

Reaching Out

I guess it is touching that you care so much about me that you deem it necessary to harangue me about staying in contact. You respect and cherish my every opinion and thought. My well-being is so important to you that you seem to have some sort of symbiotic connection to me. I can only tell you that the feeling is completely one-sided and I only consider you upon several reminders and even then so far into the category of afterthought that even this modicum of consideration is at best a mild insult.

These Tough Times

It matters little what your assessment of me may be. You may take my laconic nature in your presence as some sort of sign that I am slow to digest your ideas and intricate plans for improvement. My silence is of the stunned variety, borne out of shock and dismay. How is it that someone so myopic and mentally deficient could be in any sort of position of power? Keep spewing verbiage, I'll be withdrawn in my thoughts of a better place without you.

Misunderstandings

It worries me to think that you may have possibly taken what I said as an innocuous, or worse, a flattering comment. I fear my derision may have been too heavily coated with sarcasm for your limited mental capacity. The thought that being unnaturally dense may insulate you from well-timed and succinctly stated insults has me reconsidering my whole strategy. Your type of idiocy obliges a ham-fisted approach.

Driving Force

I'm unclear as to what authority gave you permission to operate a motor vehicle, but it was a short sighted decision. You are a menace to the road and to society. No one is safe with you on the streets. I implore you to invest in a public transit pass or a debilitating illness.

Snivelling Backstabbing Coward

You are a bootlick of the lowest order. If ever you get a chance to remove your lips from the boss's posterior, maybe you could actually make an effort towards competency. You would find that being a sychopantic simpering gofer is all too much wasted effort. If you expended half the energy it takes to flatter the person you are working for and just actually put it towards your given profession, you might actually be respected for what you do.

Walker Text Ranger

Texting seems like a fine alternative to filling the air with ridiculous cellphone conversations. But one thing can be said for the rude yapper on the streets is that they can at least traverse the pedestrian byways without impeding those around him. You, sporting that classic texters hunched posture are nothing but an obstacle to get around. There is no doubt that your missive filled with abbreviations and punctuation faces has no bearing on anything in this world. It is only slightly more worthless than your existence. A state of being threatened as you step into busy crosswalks.

Uncomfortable Spectacle

I'm afraid you are too old to dye your hair in outrageous neon hues, ma'am. Perhaps you are clinging to some notion of youth. Maybe you hold dear to your heart some sort of artistic movement of the mid-to-late twentieth century. You are such a wild individualist that normal convention(from 40 years ago) can not restrain you. That may be the style you are looking for, but the effect is more of a pitiable kook.

Good Luck, Friend

You seem puzzled and perplexed regarding your repeated attempts to set you sister up with possible romantic leads. You have worked through your friends, acquaintances, and even your office. I realize no one will tell you this, but the main issue is that she is homely. Not necessarily some sort of beastly, cyst-covered ogre, but more plain and uninteresting. Also, have you had her IQ tested? I am concerned.

Sensitive Soul

You seem to pick and choose, seemingly at random, what it is that you find humorous and what you take offense to. This will be a major obstacle for any kind of friendship. I am not quite clear on how to assure you that it is indeed you who will need to change.

Expecting the Unexpected

Unmarried and pregnant, I see you every day at the office. I know it is a subject to avoid, but it is asking a lot of me to do so.

A Good Meal Spoiled

Seeing your lover's quarrel here in this restaurant is distasteful and jarring. I have no doubts that spending even a half an hour or so with either of you would be unbearable. Really though, is it this exact moment that you've come to this conclusion? Had you no hint at this dissatisfaction? No one wants this glimpse of your personal ring of Hell. So let's try something novel shall we? Think of others for once and quietly pay your tab, taking your leave for a screaming match in your car. If not, you may need to be forcibly removed. And just a note, whispering at a high and nasty volume is not whispering.

On Foot

Fine Asian businessman, I note that in keeping with some sort of misguided cultural convention, you have decided to doff your shoes on your commute.You place your stockinged feet on the seat across from you. This leaves me unhinged. No one wants your disgusting feet out on display and rubbed into a sitting area they may someday use. And yes, feet are disgusting, even your small and unobtrusive pair. Traditionally feet are rightly kept wrapped in socks and a layer of leather. They are meant to be stored and not seen. Preferably hidden away under your seat.

Hair Play

Sir, the time and energy you exert on your hair is an affront to masculinity. You obviously have too much time to style, tease, and coax your coif into submission. You toil until you have reached some sort of boy band fauxhawk perfection. You sport an oil slick of salon products that show a ghastly sheen and emit a miasma of treacly olfactory horror. And can you not see how awful you look? One assumes the mirror is a major part of your morning routine. Foppish

Annexation

I can't say what it is about me that would attract someone of your girth to sit next to me on this train, ma'am. Perhaps I have a lingering air of tasty snacks. Or maybe I appear to be less judgmental than many of those who cast shocked glances in your direction. But that appearance is deceptive. My thoughts are not good, and that enmity is compounded by the intense warmth from your ample thigh and landslide of blubber clinging to what we must assume is your long-thought lost ribcage.

Accidental Eavesdropper

When I tell you that I couldn't help but overhear your conversation, I truly mean it. Would it were that I could have avoided listening to your unceasing talk filled with inaccuracies and ignorance, I sincerely would have. For now, all of us who were within earshot are that much the worse for it.


Accidental Eavesdropper

Childish

Oh yes, please go on about your children. I don't know them. But I know you. And I feel for them.

Floor by Floor

I was under the obviously erroneous impression that any conversation with a stranger in the elevator would be limited under the category of chit chat or small talk. Preferably brief and hopefully to be kept to nothing more profound than the weather or offhand remarks on the market. Please understand that this concession was made under duress. The optimum condition for a ride in the elevator is complete silence. So as you begin your prattle, you may note my icy glare and stone countenance. You are fortunate to get off so lightly.

Neighbors

Old and wrinkled crone, your withering and watery glance cannot deter me from taking the seat next to you on this train. Your years have afforded you no additional deference from me, and although I can understand your consternation, I can't bring myself to care. You don't see me complaining about your vaguely medicinal air or your scary veined hands easily remembered from some childhood nightmare reaching from the grave. I think that's rather big of me.

What's In a Name

I'm afraid that I have resorted to pronouns because I have forgotten your name. It is embarrassing for you that we have met many times, and obviously you did not make any sort of impression. At least, not in any meaningful way. I haven't retained any sort of information about you aside from the fact that I have seen you before. I can't help but feel resentful that you would put me in such an awkward situation.

Drag

Sir, the gargantuan wheeled bag you tote clumsily behind you is an effeminate sidewalk obstacle. You are an irksome impediment and nothing more.

Naming Names

It is with no small effort that I swallow down the rising bile generated from hearing you drop the names of famous people you have some tenuous connection to. A hollywood producer married to a third cousin, a sports figure you harass at the local deli, or a character actor in your screenplay writing workshop can tangentially be referred to in almost any conversation. And you test this theory liberally. You've created an unending litany of coma-inducing conversation. Will there ever be a time that someone will reference meeting you to their friends, boring them to tears? It brings me no pleasure to know there won't.

Pattern

The thing about dating women from only one race outside of your own is that it goes from coincidence to prediliction. These ladies are hard to discern from each other and it is exceedingly difficult to keep their names straight. Frankly, this sort of overt expression of psychological preference is creepy.

Employment

I see that you are proud and pleased with your new job, but I think you'd ought to know that it is more than likely a flim flam game meant to trap recent and desperate college graduates. Those with family money are preferable.

Agressive Agressive

Unhelpful coworker, I can't help but see through your attempts to undermine my confidence. It is not trying your hand at the impossible that irks me, more that you would think for a minute that I could respect you enough to be anything more than ambivalent about anything you might utter. Maybe you should go back to picking on underlings and the mail room staff. That's more your speed.

Seriously?

Let's all avoid casting aspersions when we have sinned, shall we? You tend towards the self-righteous when in fact, you are actually nothing more than a self-loathing lunatic who tries to cover their own shortcomings by attacking others. Perhaps you should take a long look at your own life before passing judgment on others. Or at least, consider this idea when holding your tongue.

No Vacancy

Unfortunately, we must remain friends of a friend. This is obvious as I do not tolerate you well without the catalyst of my actual friend's presence. He sees something in you that I cannot. This may be my own issue or my own fault, but I don't think so.

Unskilled Labor

You are painfully slow on the uptake and cannot be trusted to carry out simple tasks. The workplace is hectic enough when you avoid your job, but what you do take on is done poorly. Correcting your errors only adds to the mess. Perhaps you should call in sick for the foreseeable future.

Mirror Mirror

I can't, from this angle, fully pass judgment on your aesthetic qualities, miss. But you seem to be quite fixated on the subject yourself. At every storefront on this jaunt, you have given over a not-so-brief glance at your appearance in the plate glass windows. Adjusting your hair, straightening a pleat, checking for any and all imperfections. It's actually a significant accomplishment that you avoid walking into anything or anyone as you are so consumed with yourself. I believe you hurdled a homeless gentleman to keep your eye on the alignment of your eyebrows. There is poetry of motion on these streets.

Bon Voyage

You departure from this workplace was hotly anticipated. The teary farewells were masks obscuring joy. If I were to try to conjure up any tears, it would be out of sympathy for the poor bastards you are going to take up with. They know not what they are getting themselves into. Of course, that would require having a shred of empathy for those inept enough to make the colossal mistake of hiring you. Not something with which I am currently handicapped.

Gaping Maw

You yawn reveals things about you and the inside of your mouth that I do not think you would like to publicize. I am stricken.

Bleary Traveler

Ah, bummy old man, what is it you see in me that invites conversation? Is it my cold glare? My silence? My inner desire for solitude? Your alcohol saturation? I can't really be expected to decipher your query or even get over my intense loathing. You would do better with the small Asian woman or perhaps I could suggest a nap?

Husbandry

It is with a good dose of incredulity that I listen to you wax prolific on the immense joys of parenthood. Apparently, achieving your biological imperative has filled you with pride and satisfaction that comes with knowing a mission is complete. A the same time, it is hard to miss the navy bags anchoring down your eye sockets, the unkempt clothes, and the ratty hair that tell a different tale. It all speaks of deprivation, pain, and possibly regret. Perhaps it is better to defer some dreams in order to keep sleep uninterrupted. And possibly some responsibilities can wear too heavily not only mentally, but physically. Although I would never utter a syllable of that sentiment to you, oh proud one.

Rest for the Weary

Rest tight, sleepy head. The work day and your commuter beers have sapped what strength you managed to muster today. Don't concern yourself that you snore and drool in public. One must assume you have no shame, which helps in this situation. But I may also venture the assumption that you probably would have preferred getting off at your selected destination rather than continue to slumber undisturbed. Your commute is getting complicated and more than likely expensive. Sweet dreams.

It Will Be Televised

When you say you don't watch television, you sound so proud. As if you are telling a crowd that you have sworn off racism and child brutality. In self-righteous tones usually reserved for born again church going types, you chide others for their enjoyment of this form of entertainment. National Public Radio, erudite magazines, and a well-chosen newspaper will suit you just fine. You now have a leg up on information superiority. I hope this is soothing salve for the stinging fact that you are a lonely bore. You have no sense of fun unless it is enjoying bewildered looks as you quote a literary critic about a book you didn't read or a culinary guide about a restaurant you will never attempt to visit. Lock yourself in your shabby apartment and live out your mortal coil having done and seen nearly nothing. Maybe someday soon you will understand that being smug is an unattractive quality. Especially in someone with no basis for it.

You Don't Say

It is with increasing difficulty that I feign interest in what you are saying or doing. If I thought for a moment you cared about anyone else but yourself, I might worry that you would notice my aloof attitude towards you. Luckily, for all involved, I read you correctly and we can go on. Hooray for that.

Waiting

While I can certainly believe that being a waitress is a thankless job, I have seen nothing from your lunch service today that would warrant an outcry against the injustice of this notion.

Guided by Voice

You have a nasal and droning voice. It makes me want to smash my head in when I hear it. My teeth set and my jaws clench. If you could refrain from talking, pretty much always, I would greatly appreciate it.

Don't Leave Home

No one will mention it to your face, but continuing to live with your parents deep into your twenties is shameful. Certainly, one can see the allure of treating the kind souls who raised you like a bed and breakfast with laundry service, but have you not a shred of pride? Are you oblivious to the economic strain you put on them? Do you care nothing about their retirement planning? Are you so interested only in yourself that you will ignore the fact that they haven't got that much time left. Do they not have the right to enjoy it? Giving birth to you was not supposed to be a lifetime commitment of service. They are under no obligation to keep this up. You should be contrite and gracious. Instead, you play video games in the living room, leave beer cans on most flat surfaces, and never replace refrigerator staples. No one would blame them for smothering you in your sleep.

Tally Ho

It seems like an early wake-up was in order for you, miss. You appear dishevelled and unkempt. Was there actually any slumber involved with your evening or are you just headed for your well-earned rest now? And, forgive me for my presumption, but I wonder if you earned more than a good day's sleep with whatever you were doing last night. Is it beyond the realm of possibility that you were obtaining hard currency to keep up some sort of narcotics habit? Either way, the early morning sun off your sneering, dirt caked face tells of something more than a commute.

A Way with Words

Yes, you are quite astute to note my vexation at the current state of affairs. What this moment needs now is a wide-sweeping platitude that will not only do no good, but may in fact get me so incensed that I will be forced to remove your hollow skull from your body. This is exactly the salve that will set things right. Much like hammering your thumb instead of the nail will instantly relieve you of the headache you formerly had. I've nearly forgotten what it was I was initially concerned with. I suppose I should thank you.

Helping Out

You should probably know that the spinach you just extracted from your teeth was clearly there hours ago. We all saw. We all knew. We were silently in on the conspiracy to keep you looking ridiculous. You should not only be embarrassed, but rightfully angry. I guess it would be appropriate to apologize, but if I wasn't willing to take on the minor discomfort of telling you about the dental foliage, what makes you think I would broach the subject of what amounts to social malfeasance in the contract of mankind?

Keeping On

While I believe the trucker-style baseball cap you don is an ill-fated attempt at being urban and hip, I am left to wonder if your painful level of self-awareness has left you blind to how you actually look. No angle of skewed bill will complete what you are going for.

Bright Lights

Oh, please wax endlessly on toady's arts. It does so help me in choosing what entertainment to take in. As long as I work off the assumption that your opinions are diametrically opposed to mine, I usually have the proper barometer on which to choose how I spend my time and money. You have no taste and yet you feel the need to let all around you in on what should be at least an understated notion instead of an obvious point blank statement.

Yammering Naybob

Self-righteous political opinions spewed during a dinner party are as desirable as unstable angina. Someone so pleased with the sound of their own voice may not be able to restrain themselves in such intense times, but we are restraining ourselves from defenestrating you. There has to be some give and take.

Sunglasses at Night

Miss, while I respect your bravery and skill navigating the streets and this train all the while being blind, I have an awkward complaint. I'd greatly appreciate it if you keep your panting German Sheppard off of my feet. He seems comfortable and such a selfless beast deserves a rest. But at what cost? I would think my comfort would mean something. And obviously, I can't bring this up among judgmental passengers basking in your accomplishment. I have to own up to my silent resentment. So you've managed to compound my discomfort with sighted guilt. You really should be proud.

Dropping Down

Your rapid recent weight loss is disconcerting. Do I congratulate you for diligence and display of will power? Or, do I wish you well in your fight against some sort of wasting disease? Did you not think of others when you began this endeavor. I'm not sure you are significant enough to cause me this sort of consternation.

Clarity of Advertising

I've created a belief system about you that is greatly derived from your t-shirt. Its textual message of perceived mirth tells me that not only are you easily amused, but actually fancy yourself humorous. You maintain a substandard IQ with the assistance of paint huffing and cheap whine. You guffaw at bumper stickers. You are tickled by home video shows featuring groin injuries. You are a great burden to family and those you wrongly consider friends. I am stretched to my mental limits trying to deduce what possible purpose you could serve.

Blather On

By Susan B. Anthony's beard, would you please shut up. Being insecure about your intelligence should not result in prolific speech. It should work in quite the opposite fashion.

Street Music?

There are so many sounds I would rather hear, street musician, than your incessant and grating drumming. A faulty air conditioner, a dogs yelp, the deep and resigned sigh of your death rattle, bees flying into a fan... Pretty much, I could listen to any new age, water drop sampling, eletro funk jazz experimental fusion before I would listen to ten thumps on your plastic buckets and steel pans. We pray for rain. Or hail

Unseeing What We Have Seen

For all things great and small, sir, would you be so kind as to do something about the underside of your rotund belly peeking out from under that sausage casing you believe is a t-shirt. Seeing this glimpse of white and hair is the polar opposite of a woman's cleavage. It is where all things sensual go to die. This was not meant to be a half shirt, I am sure. None the less, it has revealed something ugly to all of us. And I mean that literally.

Bug-Eye

We must deduct points on the scale of attractiveness due to the huge sunglasses, my dear. It appears as if you are adorning your face with a tinted windshield. We all must assume you are hiding something. A single eyebrow stretched across your forehead? A lazy and crossed eye? A pirate patch? The mind races to fill in the blanks and with nothing good.

Confirmation Via Speech

When will you learn to keep your mouth shut? You are your own worst enemy in the workplace. Not everything is fodder for an attempt at humor. Rudeness can not be immediately forgiven as a personality quirk. Your boss will not forgive slights against his person for the simple reason that he doesn't have to. This isn't the locker room or your bachelor party. You will find as many supporters for your promotions as you find willing recipients for your too easily proffered high fives.

Obstacles

You are in the way. Step aside post haste. Hang up your cell phone or put your iPod away. You are an impediment on an already difficult journey through streets packed with copious portions of hoi and grand swaths of palloi. Cower in the shade of an unused payphone or I shall cast you aside. This is not your living room. We are not characters in the life story of you. You are insignificant and should understand that.

Departure

Yes, your new job sounds wonderful. It is possible that you've turned over a new leaf and are approaching bare competency. Surely they shower you with untold riches. Of course, it is only a matter of time until you will not be able to help getting in your own way, and they discover what you really are. Will you have jumped ship by then? Leaving all in the lurch as you did here?

Free Advice

While I am sure the way you do things has worked out to your satisfaction, it does not mean I seek any kind of guidance much less any from you. I see how things have worked out for you, and to be frank, I think I will go it on my own. But feel free to be pedantic and patronizing along the way. Your inability to recognize your own limitations is probably something you think people find charming. It isn't. Neither is wasting my time with useless suggestions and boring anecdotes. Just trying to be clear.

Coverage

Maybe it is the lack of feedback, but I think you have overestimated the power of the comb over in making you look young and vibrant. You seem to have put a good amount of time and energy into this endeavor, and the best I can say is that it shows. But let's call it what it is, a few strands of hair grown long and pasted over a bald pate. If anything, it accentuates the issue. Maybe it is time to accept this for what it is.

Stretched to the Limit

Perhaps, you have just run out of laundry, but the pants you are wearing are for a much smaller woman. Is this from a time before the metabolism or amphetamine habit stopped? I can see you are uncomfortable wearing this garment, both physically and mentally. I believe these are both warranted feelings.

Only You Can Prevent It

I wouldn't think that you should have need of worry regarding your smoking habit, obviously drug-addled bench dweller. But as you nod to some deep and wonderful void, your borrowed cigarette burns down to your knuckles. This fills me with discomfort. It isn't bad enough that you have given yourself completely over to narcotics to the point of flouting societies guidelines for hygiene, but you might also self-immolate. This puts so many people at risk of seeing something they may never forget. And frankly, it is this risk to others psyches that is what is most disturbing.

Where Eagles Dare

Oh yes, do feed the pigeons, madame. Don't let the fact that we all have no interest in winged vermin scurrying around our meals bother you. Nothing like the combination of feathers, feces, and the threat of disease to make a beautiful day in the park yet another horrendous and tiring peek into humanities insufferable idiosyncrasies. Why not just spread out cheese and play a piccolo to call out the myriad rats that lurk about?

Athletic Supporter

When you don your favorite sports team's authentic and pricey jersey, do you feel like part of the team? Do you pause for a moment considering such garb is not necessarily appropriate much passed grade school? Or are you too busy looking for your next handslap high above your head and a reason to bellow? Perchance a fight with an equally oblivious fan of another team. Wondrous times.

Stripmining Human Resources

I have to wonder as to whom you believe you are. If you think for one moment that you have earned the right to judge me, you need to reassess your lot in life quickly. You are rude and ignorant. The fact that you have fooled enough people into believing you have even a semblance of competency says everything about those you work for and nothing in the least about you. You have grown sick with conceit. You are held down by the immense weight of your unearned ego. If only you could hear what people actually think of you. You would fall from the high regard you hold for yourself with enough velocity to crush your internal organs. Not the least pleasant thing I can think of at the moment.

Spray Faint

While I am quite sure that smelling fresh and lovely is a trait preferable to the alternative, I cannot abide by your perfume application on a crowded train. I find myself unable to fathom the sheer rudeness. You believe it is OK to disseminate noxious chemicals that reek like a child's cotton candy vomit after a robust amusement park ride while in close proximity to others. All the while knowing we are all in an enclosed space with no other choice but to huff this vile scent. You will be the first against the wall, madame if the revolution somehow begins today. Your crimes have not gone unnoticed.

Not So Much Like Old Times

It's hard to catch up on old times with you, childhood chum. First, it is hard for me to ignore that we weren't really friends in the strictest sense of the word. I remember you as the boy whose main contribution to society was willful and well-timed flatulence. And although hugely entertaining at the time, it may not be a solid foundation for life-long, test of time allegiance. Second, I have difficulties feigning such things as interest or concern. Lastly, I am not keen on sharing details of my life with practical strangers who once shared a zip code and a third grade teacher with me. Please just supply the requisite information about our former classmates. Namely, who is dead, gay, famous, or a smattering of all three.

Bad Credit

Do you really have to pay for that bottle of soda with a credit card? You walked out of the house and into a store with no currency on your person? That's what you're saying. I'm not sure you are embracing a paperless society as much as you are just a lazy and worthless obstacle for getting out of this store with any light left in the day.

Crazylegs

You, sir, must control your spasmodic legs if you are going to sit across from me on this train. I am uninterested in knee-to-knee contact. I can only give you so many dirty looks, deep sighs, minor kicks disguised as stretches. Perhaps I should just reach over and choke the life out of you. Sure this may cause worse leg sprawling, but I for one will feel better.

Ring Tone Deaf

Perhaps you believe that your cell phone ring is yet another way to express your unique personality. The fact that you choose to do so using a practice that is nearly ubiquitous probably doesn't slow your momentum.Your ignorance about this sort of contradiction isn't really a surprise considering you also can't read your own reactions to the actual melody.You are embarrassed as you rush to kill the noise. No one will complain about this proper instinct as you rightly, if unconsciously realize, the song is horrendous and loud. A disturbance to those around you. All this ringtone is really is saying is that you not only are an inconsiderate person, but you also have amazingly bad taste. It's actually a helpful shortcut for people to figure out the real you. I suppose a thank you is in order.

Zen and the Art of Apathy

It seems like a tremendous amout of effort to maintain your hipster status. The time and energy you must expend has to make you wonder if it's all worth it. Grooming your ironic moustache alone must take hours out of your week. Scowering stores for the perfect sneakers circa 1983, the exact-shirt that tells us all you don't care, the pre-worn jeans... it must leave you exhausted. You must remain ever vigilant to stay ahead and away from today's trends from music to bars. The work you put in to seem effortless, the care you take to craft your apathy, all of these things would sap the strength of any normal soul. And all this just to be a useless doofus. It really is something to marvel at.

Possibly, You Could Clam Up

I could not possibly listen to one more minute of your blathering. None of it makes sense. Your mouth moves, but what comes out is amazingly inane. Do keep it closed. Make us all a little bit smarter for not having heard something more from you.

Eruption

Is there anyway we can cover up that cold sore? Then let's shall we? Either that or please stay indoors shunned as nature intended. Let the harsh light of day never touch this blemish.

Expansion

Friendly colleague, it apparently is eluding your notice, but your late twenties have not been kind to your metabolism. It appears you will need a big boy set of clothes if you are going to remain oblivious to the role of proper nutrition and caloric intake. Your waistbands creak and stretch, and the material of your shirts are pushed to maximum tensile capacity. Believe me when I tell you that you are the only one around you who hasn't noticed.

Your Doing Us No Favors

Coming out to this gathering just to quietly sit and sip one drink then leaving without telling anyone is odd and unwanted behaviour. You used to provide a spark of fun, but now in the name of maturity, you have ceased to be of any interest. Perhaps it would be best if you just stayed home and spared us this minor irritation.

How Do You Stand It?

It's the curse of public transport to constantly overhear conversations. Most are at worst an irritation of noise and ignorance. Ladies, your coffee clutch to discuss the latest book or politics is enough to make those within earshot dumber for having to hear such a level of nonsense. Poorly remembered facts, opinions based on nothing, and inside jokes that intimate how often these conversations go on. The frequency might be the worst of it. After forced listening for all of a mere ten minutes, I want to run to the closest monastery and cloister myself with those who revel in silence. Yet, your circle of cackling hens chooses willingly to engage in this cabal often. It's disheartening to say the least.

Greatly Moved

My friend, admitting to me that you cry at the movies does nothing to enhance our friendship. I will try and forget this conversation. I can do that for you this one time. I can try.

Earmuffs

Ah, what a robust and profane vocabulary you have, ma'am. To hear it screamed at such piercing decibels let's us all know that you are loathe to sit in traffic. It is also easy to recognize the shapes of car seats and small children accompanying you in your travels. Are they unfazed by this maternal outpouring of filth-ridden vitriol? Are we to wonder what is wrong with today's youth?

Nail Rider

While I agree that personal grooming habits are important, there are societal rules that dictate the appropriate locations for such activity. You, sir, flout these conventions by clipping your nails on the train. This horrendous display flies in the face consideration. The concentration, the noise, the detritus projectile... It's all too much. You should be flung from this train in transit like so many cast off clippings.

The Breaks

My coworker acquaintance, your recent divorce has left you maudlin. Upon broaching the subject, you become emotional. Such an exhibition is wholly inappropriate for the work environment and completely unacceptable for any kind of time-filling small talk. Perhaps we all should just dance around the subject. Although it requires a certain mental strain to remember such parameters of conversation, I'm willing to make the extra effort in order to spare myself continued awkward moments. Perhaps we should all band together as the brotherhood of man in this movement.

Dragon Lady

Kind and downtrodden immigrant friend, I am sorry to see that your wife feels no compunction about upbraiding you in public. To make matters worse, her ancient dialect bellowed at this volume sounds much like a sack full of cats slowly drowning in a pond. I do feel for you, although not as bad as I feel for me. I have to hear this cacophony of gibberish and be embarrassed seeing this pilfering of your masculinity.

Pretty Woman

Madam, I must applaud you for your choice in attire. You wear the mu mu well. Looking at you, I would have thought the only proper attire would be a tarpaulin. But this has some panache. Bravo.

Ah Hem

Miss, you are quite lovely but your persistent throat clearing is distracting and detracting from the overall experience of observing you. Does it imply cats at home or some more serious affliction? Phlegm should never be part of a young lady's presentation to the world. This is an unwise choice.

Make Yourself Less Comfortable

There is obviously something wrong with you that you can stand in my office in conversation with me and feel the need to adjust your genitals. This is not a gym locker room. You are supposedly representing the last rung on the primate ladder. Please act like it.

Never Love at All (please)

Your office affair is transparent to all those around you. It is not a pretty picture. The patina of secrecy that you cling to is an insult to anyone with any level of observation above that of the common mole. I can not imagine the attraction for either party as your are both, to put it kindly, homely. Also, you are dimwitted bores. Hopefully, you have the societal forethought to include sufficient and iron-clad birth control in whatever horrendous endeavors you two partake in. I have to go outside and shudder for a while. Please continue to giggle and stare longingly at each other.

Lofty Highs

Great men made this city the architectural marvel that it is. Unfortunately, those who travel the streets today have more to fear than crime and street traffic due to you, surly construction worker. The skies are not safe from falling debris. And it is no wonder as you huddle on the sidewalk blatantly smoking marijuana. Such practice is fine for say watching cartoons and late night snacks - where you only put at risk your digestive track and life's ambitions. A union protects your right to a nice wage in an environment where you can be outside and ogle the lovely women who grace this city. But you have to take it further. You can't wait for inebriation regardless of the risks you pose yourself or worse others (or even worse, me). You are responsible for heavy machinery and other dangerous objects at a height that gravity has rendered deadly. Maybe the only qualification for attaining your job is at least one prehensile thumb and a connected uncle, but you must be able to see the issue here through your squinted, bloodshot eyes. We're not all wearing helmets.

Back Seat Watcher

Your running commentary during this film is uncalled for. Listening to your telling of salient plot points alternately mixed with pleas for clarification proves two unflattering truths. That you undoubtedly have no consideration for others and apparently, you are mentally deficient. There is no reason to go into the ways in which talking during a film is the very apotheosis of rudeness. The only way you could not know how rude it is, is from just being oblivious. But that alone does not show you to be an incredible ignoramus. No, it is the content of what you're saying. You can't track the characters or simple plot turns. Your poor friend is mute probably because he knows any answers he may provide wouldn't help. They would lead only to more questions. It is like explaining to a toddler why the dog died. You've made an art form out of ignorance. Maybe I should marvel. This is an offense that should result in meting out of very public and immediate corporal punishment.

Working Blue Tooth

I would have to venture a guess that you believe it isn't annoying enough to walk around bellowing into your earpiece cellphone. I make this deduction as you are spewing profanity the likes of which would make a longshoreman feel faint. You are so inconsiderate that you not only want to confuse and irritate us all carrying out a loud conversation with no one, but you also want to make mothers cover children's ears and old ladies clutch their chests. I am not a wilting flower who pales at this manner of speaking, but it compounds the initial rudeness in a way that can only be rectified by you meeting swift bus-through-the-crosswalk justice.

Coffee Is a Choice

Can we have a chat about your coffee order, sir? Most people deliberate less over naming their child. And when the order is finally unspooled, it is so byzantine and garish that not only does it test the mental capacity of the fine clerk, but it puts in question your masculinity. Will you need fruit or an umbrella in that beverage?

Spectacle

Well, sir, you've gone and done it. In the continuing labor-intensive effort to seem at one with today's youth culture, you purchased new and interesting sunglasses. They take up half your face and include odd looking gold lettering on the sides. If I am not mistaken, you are wearing ladies glasses. You are nothing if not young and tragically hip.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Carnivores

You certainly do go on about your vegetarianism. Your self-congratulations as a hero of animal rights knows no end. You can quote statistics and describe the barbaric practices of your local abattoir as if you had worked there. How you've managed to morph a change in eating habits into self righteousness on such a grand level is almost admirable. I am completely disgusted that you feel the need to make this such a personal issue, but I could forgive that if you kept it personal instead of going on a meatless jihad from the alfalfa sprout pulpit. And you would probably be more credible had you not been carrying around that expensive leather hand bag and standing in leather shoes. Just for your own edification, the animals do not give up their hides willingly, nor do they shed them yearly. The process is neither kind nor humane.

Baked Fresh Daily

It was thoughtful and caring of you to take personal time to bake treats for your coworkers. And just as I can recognize the kindness, I can also recoil from the idea of actually partaking in said morsel. I would assume that you are observant enough to have a grudge against us all. You have had no upward mobility in years. That makes you a gift horse whose mouth requires inspection. Plus you are sloppy and have cats. Please bring in the latest health department clearance of your house and kitchen and I may deign to try something. And only after I note the survival of these other vermin scurrying to consume as much as possible. They get what they deserve.

Your Friend's Nose

Please let me assure you that we can all see the vast nasal excavation process you are undertaking. You are not in the privacy of your living room. You are out in the open flouting society's simplest conventions. You are lost in a process could could be mistakenly considered a fugue of concentration. If only I could believe you were contemplating something worthwhile. Instead, I feel you are just hotly anticipating what new mucus ore you will mine. Evolution is breathtaking.

Daze of Yore

You are too old and your enthusiasm rings too forced for your drug habit. On the scale of pathetic, you are almost at the black socks, sandals, horse hair toupee level. It matters very little what "the scene" was in the long by-gone era of your youth. You are aged and decrepit. Act accordingly.

Communication Breakdown

You stay glued to your cell phone no matter where or how you travel. On the street, you have no compunction about texting as you enter the crosswalk. As this affects your ability to survive, I am not so concerned. But as it affects my ability to traverse this fine land by foot or otherwise disturbs me deeply. It seems you are under the impression that it would be a crime for you to have an unexpressed thought. Going by the lack of judgment you show and the inanity of the words you speak, it is clear you must be disabused of this notion. Your acquaintances will be far better off if you maintain a level of radio silence.

Damage Ink

For a fetching young lady, your decision to obscure nearly the whole of your neck in tattoo leaves me at a loss. It isn't necessarily the adornment that is at issue, it is how very ugly and garish it looks. Splashy colors and ill-defined lines. It looks as if someone dropped their paint pallet on you. It's fine and completely embraced when you use your questionable taste to pick out attire. No one is complaining about the impossible halters or minuscule shorts. But this item can't be tossed into the corner of an indie rocker's dorm room. It is stuck on you forever. A brand of embarrassment.

Walking Blues

I am a determined freight train of the footpaths. You seem just as dedicated to your destination. Unfortunately, our paths are going to cross in opposite directions. As you step aside, rightly recognizing something beyond you, you should hang your head as the vanquished. But take heart, you never really had a chance.

Birds Do It

It's become apparent that you are pregnant. Excuse me if I don't rush to fawn all over you and discuss ultrasounds and the latest baby name trends. Far be it for me to steal your thunder pointing out that what you have done has been repeated before you billions of times with little fanfare. Certainly not the current festival that parades around you. I am not sure you are worthy for sainthood or if the Nobel Committee will be calling. Please accept my heartfelt congratulations as you have joined the mammalian species. You are an expert in breeding and husbandry. As this is the most we can expect you to bring the world, we can hope your spawn will aspire to something better.

Straighy

Heterosexual caucasian men sporting pink Polo shirts and pedal pusher pants so encroach on gay culture that it is now watered down and inane. You're the father of three, you golf, watch Sportscenter, and the oil changes on your sensible family roadster are always on time. Yet, your hair is laden with product, your sunglasses are large and too hip, and you go absolutely nowhere without tiny headphones jammed into your ears blaring electro noise. You are confused and depressing. Why must we suffer this?

Surprises

Under no circumstance can I condone vomiting in the street. I can't word my insistence that whomever so carries out said practice desist immediately. What is it, did you imbibe your first lager tonight? Or are you just so devoid of self control that you over-indulged on all varieties of coloured liquors. You give wondrous alcohol a bad reputation with your foul and disgusting display. Although evidence to the contrary is stacked up daily, the street is not actually a toilet. People use these thoroughfares to get to work and the like. The last thing they need to stumble upon is the remains of your booze-ridden evening. Please, return to the woodsy keg parties and stolen schnapps of your suburban upbringing.

Hometown

Sure, it may very well be off putting to our European touring friends, but you, sir, carry off crazy and homeless with such aplomb that it is well nigh remarkable. It isn't just the shirtless sinewy frame or the amputation or even the stark raving lunacy. It is the full gestalt that shows the world why New York is just a little more than everywhere else. Does a man proud.

On the Go

In general, I can't condone eating on public transport. But I suppose if you are truly in a rush and in need of sustinence, I can begrudgingly allow it assuming it is fairly self-contained. I may not approve, but I understand. Eating a serving of sushi with sauces and chopsticks on the train is just plain ridiculous. Pretentious and unwise. Foul to watch. This is not OK.

Seen and Heard

Your child's behavior says something horrible about you as a parent and a person. But let's not let the little scamp off so easily. Children are just small people training to be adults. They bring their identities to the process and although immature, it is the indelible groundwork for the future. So, although your shoddy parenting currently on display is not helping matters any, your child is no innocent.

Eye sore

There is much beauty to behold on a warm summer day such as this one. And would it were that I could enjoy it, I certainly would. If only... Mine eyes may never recover from seeing you apply sunscreen, sir. Chubby and pallid running fingers through matted chest hair as your gold chain slides in perspiration. I recoil to think of it.

Patience

Exactly what are you hoping to accomplish by leaning heavily upon your horn? The car in front of you stopped to let a wheelchair-bound woman traverse the crosswalk. Do you just see a quicker path to eternal damnation?

Family Ties that Bind

Dearest relative, there are several reasons I don't call enough to appease your obvious need for communication. The initial point to make is that "enough" is really decided by the neediness of the beholder. While you may believe this subjective quantity is several times a week or possibly a day, I feel that chance meetings at weddings and funerals fills our communications quota nicely. But to address the issue directly, becoming an adult is fraught with responsibility. The one obligation you are actually allowed to cast off is the forced relationships forged by blood. Familial acquaintances are can be held up to the standards I hold for the rest of the world. This does not bode well for you.

The Great Imitator

If you feel it necessary to take credit for the work of others, I think it would only be right if you actually knew what you were talking about. It's one thing to attempt an ambitious route through the workplace using duplicity and covering yourself with plausible deniablilty. It is yet another entirely when you show no mental capacity to carry out your supposed plans. You aren't articulate enough to even describe the genesis of the ill-be gotten idea. You not only continue and amplify the perception of stupidity so many have of you, but you cheapen the original and usable idea. Maybe you should fade into the background, cheering on projects and adding nothing but platitudes and useless commentary. It is this very uselessness we will all prize over what you currently offer.

Great and Misunderstood

Your references to your workplace as your "day job" are tiresome. At this point, considering some vast artistic endeavor that will lavish countless riches on you has not come about yet, it is more than likely the the day job is actually a career. You are neither creative nor ambitious, so maybe you should consider an attempt at competency in your actual job.

Rickshaw

Yes, that sounds like a fantastic idea. I want to take a bicycle taxi through the streets of Manhattan in sweltering heat and intense rush hour gridlock. Sounds quite amazing. Not only can I risk my life among the buses and rushing taxis, but I can do it trailing in the miasma of bike hack body odor. All to get to my destination moments before I would have walking. What great and modern times we live in.